Thursday, April 1, 2010
“I am alone and my world is a dangerous place”. There are times when I feel I am so desperate, lost and alone.
There were times when life was so heavy I could not imagine going forward at all. Moving through these heavy circumstances taught me things. What I learned was to cope with “lonely” and I learned to deal with “abandoned and empty.” To hide in lain sight.
There were times when my normal was defined by the depths of my Hopelessness...
I developed little tricks of the trade along the way just to get by on, especially when life was cloudy, grey and moving toward black. I found that I could depend on these tricks of the trade. (Sort of The Artful Dodger of the 20th Century). All these tricks of the trade had one thing in common; they hailed from outside of me. I never really noticed this for the longest time. They were things I had been taught by others who were experiencing their lives in about the same fashion I was. These tricks of the trade had odd qualities about them and I firmly believed I needed them. In fact, as I look back on it now, they were almost "magical”. And the key word in that statement is almost. They were things like activities, substances, rituals that I could rely on ... just to get through to the end of my day. They were there for me when nothing else was.
They worked beautifully or so I thought ... after all I did get through. I was also noticing that some of those people I was associating with were not making it. Their little tricks of the trade took them off the face of the planet ... figuratively, and in some cases literally.
It was back there someplace a decade or four ago when I first heard that I could look inward for solutions. I didn’t find any instant fixes but oddly enough I began to notice things.
One of the things I noticed was that I in fact had faith; this surprised me because in my opinion I had been forsaken by all that is and I was totally and completely on my own. I was the only person or only thing I could trust. Why? Simple ... because that worked for me when nothing else was there ... but ...it did so only Temporarily ... What I discovered was this faith thing painted with a far broader brush stroke then I imagined.
As I looked within I found myself acknowledging that the old faith and belief system was not all it was cracked up to be ... “Temporarily” was becoming a four letter word. Those tricks of the trade really did not work all that well. It was about then that I bumped into The Door for the first time. It just sat there and waited for me. I had the suspicion that it had been waiting all the while. It was about then when I penned “There Is A Door” ... It was about then that I began my journey into places and into parts of me that were foreign to me. This Door, I discovered, was just there waiting for me to give over my fear and to place my faith in a new direction ... Within ...
I began to notice the insanity of my old beliefs, of how and where I had placed my faith. I also noticed something else that was very important. I, like everyone else had faith ... It was there from the get go. It was as if we are all issued X Amount of Faith each day and it was up to us to determine how to use it. Life now had choice—Go Exploring into the Great Unknown or Hang On For Dear Life and Hope I was not going to be destroyed by the process I was born into. I had done the latter for years. I hid in plain sight. I was about to begin to try the former ... to search into the Adventure of Exploring. I had a choice now. A choice I never really knew I had. A choice of how I wanted to use my faith ... Within or Without ... I began to lean on That Door to see if it would open for me.
Experience Has Taught Me
That I am out of control
I know I am not happy.
I know that my beliefs have not and cannot make me happy.
I know I must find “different” to be happy.
Where will I look?
What will I see?
And who will help me?
NDT ... PS the eagle was in Lynne's back yard tree in Delta