Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Eliminating Self Hate
If you weren't able to separate from your mother or your father and/or various other family members then this tends to set up an interesting set of events. They won’t let you stand on your own or grow up. They have a roll for you. They have you fixed in their mind in that function. Their script calls for you to fill that role for them.
Now the interesting part is when you begin to notice this happening to you and you try to separate by making them bad or wrong, what happens is that you end up making yourself bad or wrong.
It is sort of like reverse shaming.
The business of making them bad or wrong is in some way a corollary of the original role they gave you. If it did not work in a healthy fashion for them, why do you think it would be healthy for you now? After all, what you are doing is projecting their script back on them and giving them a fixed or rigid role to lean on. The point is you’re still connected to “them” via the strength of the projection. The old rules of engagement–the way of things, is simply a process of following the rules that never worked for you in the family, never meeting your needs. The rigid role you’re in can only take you back to the same point of being shamed. It is a circular thing that is shaming simply by being a participant. Just as in the description of; there is a lot of ways to get to Calgary but once your there it’s the sh_ts.
This process of attempting change can become a process of chasing your own tails if you don’t know what the reality of the undercurrent is/was.
You may try to deny or cover up these feelings, but they can and do both run and ruin your life. It is the auto pilot feature of the mind. To facilitate change it is a necessity - a need to - to uncover, reclaim and transform these negative images. After all they are based on misperceptions and illusions and are also the result of poor Object Constancy. By understanding that these projections (the demons) are the source of your low self-esteem, you can correct them.
If you know the monster your up against you have a chance!
The definition or description of the term Object Constancy comes when the child has experienced or has had enough “good parenting” experiences in their life to carry him or her through a period of separation. It is the ability of a child to see his or her parents and themselves as good, (or on the negative side of things as not good enough and/or bad). When they separate from each other, depending on the family undercurrent that will determine how they tend to view things—have a perspective—consistent with the original family undercurrent.
If there is a Lack of a Strong Sense of Object Constancy– being good, then this does not readily allow maturation to occur. As a result the child stays stuck in this splitting stage of development. This is where the child will naturally split their world into either “all good” or “all bad” with little or no “in between” or “gray”. This is called black and white thinking.
It becomes a frame of reference for the child which he or she will carry into adulthood simply out of force of habit.
This patterning of the inability of the child to separate from the parent or parental figure causes the child to lump most everything under one umbrella or to invoke the all or nothing rule. Thus when the child sees the “Bad Parent” acting out any number of behaviours that the child has come to learn as “bad or not good enough”, then the child, in a vain attempt to make his or her world sane, assumes that he or she is “bad and/or not good enough” and thus becomes complicit in the forming and support of the “Bad or Not Good Enough Child” syndrome.
This entire process is called Negotiating Your Adolescent.