The next part of the problem seems to be that these deeply embedded signposts or puzzle parts can only be revealed in the here and now … and they do so as coded symbols … somehow I was supposed to be able to read them and gleaning meaning from them before I moved on to whatever is next … but I could only move on if I could understand and integrate into my life what the inscriptions on the signposts said … It is something like reading the street signs in Moscow … there are lots of them … my problem was I never had been introduced to the proper alphabet to be able to read them … thus my frustration lay in seeing the answers in plain sight … I … having no idea how to interpret them or … quite simply … what the sign said.
Oh I could guess at it … but … and many did … and many purported to know the secrets of the signs … but the truth of the matter was … everyone I ever met was in the same boat as me … they had never studied the proper alphabet either and were only guessing. Most of what we think we need to do is only our best guess at what should happen … coupled with a little faith that what we just did was the right thing to do.
Then aspects of my humanity began to kick in … parts and places in me that I would never have guessed were a part of me … stirred … I began to learn how to trust my intuition … not an easy bicycle to learn how to ride …
At first, I thought silly little things like God could help me find parking spots … or pick winning lottery tickets … or supply answers for the unanswerable … or provide insights to wondrous considerations. That did not happen. And I was disappointed … but that is life … I began to see simple things, that when added together with other simple things … became incredibly complex things that inter-depended on each other … co-existed … co created … it was fascinating. Just like all of us scurrying running round on the face of this planet … lost in our own particular beliefs about the whys and hereto fore’s of being here in the first place … each unaware that they are contributing to something far larger then they could possibly imagine. I wondered often … me depending on me and my special/non special concept … that the concept I depended upon for defining the world for me … was it my special friend (?) … Could I keep it cooped up in the closet of my mind … used only on special occasions … when I felt that I needed some special reassurance that I was in fact special in someone’s eyes because I sure as hell was not special in my own? So, for a period of time, my understanding of God had to hide behind a wall or be cooped up in some closeted space … I restricted Him to only muttering clues about life to me … occasionally about life … those were my rules … not His
So what do we have here? This became a very spiritual question for me … then I noticed … here I was back to me depending on my concept of the universe and how things should be and in all probability not even being remotely connected to the Way Of Things …
I also discovered in this process that I was very angry with God for dropping me off in this God forsaken place … my opinion again … for not always making me feel special and most importantly … not giving me the answers that I wanted … when I wanted them … it took me a long time to notice that He was giving me the answers: