It came about after a prolonged period of meditation, having the same image come up in my mind's eye over and over - A Closed Door in the middle of a giant hall. Someone said write about it and I did; hence this poetry and the concept, then 175 Missing Pieces and all the rest of the books on recovery and now workshops and seminars on spiritual recovery.
doesn't trust his/her ability to live through the pain and chaos of life. There
is no life without pain just as there is no art without submitting to chaos. --Rita Mae Brown
is very hard for most of us to see how controlling we are. We may feel uptight
or careful, but we haven't seen it as controlling ourselves or controlling how
people respond to us. We may be worried about a loved one's behaviour or
safety, but not realize our hovering over that person is a controlling
activity. We may be keenly aware of other people's controlling behaviour with
us, but unaware we have equalled their control by monitoring them and trying to
change their behaviour.
a moment of spiritual adventure it is to risk living through the pain! When we
do not seek an escape or a quick fix but have patience with the process, new
possibilities often do develop. We can only let go of our control - or turn it
over to our Higher Power. And we will do it and forget, taking control back
within minutes or within an hour. Then we let go again.
I will submit to the insecurity of a changing universe and have faith that I
can live through the process and grow.
There doesn't appear to be a way for me to give
someone else what I know. All I can do is help create opportunities whereby
they might see "different" for themselves.
When I do attempt to give someone else what I know
or what I think I know and then make the fatal mistake of believing I have
succeeded in passing on this piece of wisdom, I often discover I have not. I have often discovered to my own chagrin
that by thinking I have succeeded in keeping someone from going through one
more private, painful little hell, I haven't.
And the long run always proves me wrong. That can be disheartening at
times. It seems that it is a universal
rule that they have to go through that private, painful, little hell for
themselves. It is as if it was
necessary, a rites of passage, part of the 'deal' of being here, it needed to
be done - it seems as simple as that. So …
The truth of the matter seems to be that each
person has to learn 'it' for themselves and usually experience it over and over
again before the message is ferreted out and understood at the deepest levels
of the psyche. And.
They seem to be able to do this better when I have
stepped out of the shadow of my good-guy helper role and am just here as a
facilitator. So …
It's obvious to me now that many of the problems I
have to face in my life are a result of how things were when I was growing up.
This seems to be true for just about everybody else too!
It follows then, that my life's conundrum is:
So I am here spending the rest of my life suffering
from personality traits I never really asked for.
Where is the justice in that?
Well, there isn't any ... is there!
But on the other hand I was never promised justice
was I. So ...
It seems that healing, health and life style are
all really the same thing.
They are all simply habits. Habits that will, one way or another, develop
along the way; learned as actions and/or reactions that should become
involuntary or habitual at some point. Habitual, and hopefully, helpful towards
discerning my life and what to do with it now that I am in the middle of it.
That's The Theory Anyway! So it seems that there are more complex conundrums to solve as I move
deeper into my journey. It seems that I have to overcome my original
"involuntaryisms" - habits - the ones that I picked up early in life
to save me from a fate that nearly scared me to death. The ones that helped me originally survive
'til now. I still carry them with me and
use them daily. Actually I trip over them now more then I use them but they are
and were the habits that I really trust.
Here is the problem: These habits are the
'grandchildren' of those habits I used to survive, in the face of overwhelming
evidence that I either wouldn't survive the next few moments or shouldn't have
survived those few moments but did.
These 'grandchildren' of my survival traits are all cloaked in a strange
aura that seems so inviting and strangely familiar but I am learning that they
are dangerous. They seem to work best
only in my mind.
What I am coming to learn is that when I (do)
attempt to put those old habits into practice in reality ... they hurt, and
cause pain for, both others and me.