Thirteenth Principle Expanded

The respect of and for your team, your partners (Life and Business) is more important than all the laurels the world can provide.

Don't put limitations on yourself.

Don’t think yourself into a place that stops you before you start.

Stay Away From “I Can’t.”

It doesn’t work all that Well.

Learn to speak your Feelings as they are.

Know this:

Being Nice is Not a Nice Thing to do, especially when you do it to yourself.

Others will put limitations on you.

They will drop their trash, their opinions on you.

Don’t take it personally

And more importantly: don't do it to yourself.

Remember This:

Your best Thinking may not be your best Friend.

Don't bet against you before you start.

Learn to speak up and speak out.

Not your opinions ... your feelings

from the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

I quote from the Velveteen Rabbit...

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" Asked the rabbit.

"Sometimes" said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, " he asked "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once, " said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand...but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

AMBER FLAME SMILES

Amber flame burns clear in the night.

Pain and Strain pushed out of sight.

Caring is lost in history's strange tale,

Life's just the Past made present in detail.

No one sees that Amber flame,

It slowly consumes and leaves only pain.

It smiles!

Neil Douglas – Tubb (1993)

The Mythical Full-Length Mirror Of Self

Each of us, in turn, must go to a place and stand in front of The Mythical Full-Length Mirror Of Self, if we are in fact to heal. It is a place where we come to know and see probably for the first time just how much “stuff” we really carry and how it drags us down and holds us from our future. The one we were intended to have.

To Heal we must own it! And become ready to consider casting it off.

The Process of recovery is described as Uncover, Discover and Discard.

People have to know what they are up against. Where and how we carried it, and how our sense of evil spiritedness, of not being good enough, some times called incubus (from the Latin: evil spirited, devil or demon.  Things, metaphorically mostly, that most of us believe are locked down inside us and run our lives...). It  locks us into our guilt, hurt, pain and shame. How this burden of guilt, hurt, pain and shame serves as the drive engine for the behaviors that we hate about ourselves. Those behaviours we can’t seem to stop doing and the ones that are killing us, the ones, oddly enough that we are trying to give up.

Ashamed and isolated and in the middle of a world,
That is full of people who are ashamed and isolated too,
Just like me and too terrified to admit it.


So now the opportunity sits here before me,
An opportunity both figuratively and literally,
To do something for the first time,
That is constructive,
About the state of my being.

I Think My Life is a Puzzle

I think my life is a puzzle … not a chess game as I once thought … but simply a puzzle.

And I have to wonder aloud at times, “Are there pieces missing” … “is this a deck of 51?”

Thus far in my experience … if I were being honest about things … I have noticed that this puzzle is only partially completed … there really is not enough of it put together yet to really recognize what the message or the picture is … oh I can make out form … and a few things that leads me to believe that I understand … but I suspect that is my ego at work appearing to do something for me that is really beyond me for the moment.

I can’t seem to comprehend it completely … oh I can grasp the idea … I think … but the overall message seems to slide right past me …

Now it seems to be that if I can just get a few of these loose pieces into someplace in the puzzle … actually at this point anyplace is a better place to be … then my life will finally work for me the way I want it too … Round Pegs, Square Holes, Large Mallets?

Then something that I notice begins to bother me to no end … as I begin to notice what the puzzle is saying to me … the puzzle changes … right there before my eyes … it changes and I am back to not understanding … yet again …

“Is this Eternity?”... And ... “Am I rolling rocks uphill forever?”

As I look back on my life’s journey … from age 62 … try it from where ever you are … have a look and write down what you see … I can honestly say that no matter how hard I strived to get to a place call “Having Everything the way I wanted,” I never made it.

On the other hand, I have noticed that during the course of doing life that Everything is Exactly the Way It is Supposed to be but … and this is the big one … Most of it does not agree with me most of the time … But Who Said It Was Supposed to Besides Me?

So again I have to wonder aloud “is it as important that I complete the journey my way and get my prize … the one I think I want or deserve … or is it more important for me to simply begin to do the journey as it unfolds?

There's Many Ways to be a Pioneer

How about some of those unsung heroes of the past. Like that prehistoric gourmet who looked at a lobster and said, "I'm gonna’ eat that." Or the first healer who picked up a knife and said, "Let's operate, boys."

It seems to me that adventures come in all shapes and sizes. Anytime a woman goes to a hairdresser, I think, is on par with Columbus setting off over the horizon for the first time. There is not a clear idea what the result will be. Or, how about any time you fall in love. Talk about not knowing what’s over the next hill.

We live it every day. For God's sake, even getting behind the wheel and backing out of the driveway can be a sublime act of faith, as well as a monumental act of courage. This yearning for adventure must be innate in the human psyche.

Simple Fact of Life

Neurosis is intimately bound up with the problems of our time and it really represents an unsuccessful attempt on the part of the individual to solve a general problem in his/her own personal life.

Neurosis is self-division.

Are The Animals At The Zoo?

This poem is powerful and it won a Lieut/Governor's award in the early 1990"s

Are The Animals At The Zoo?

Pretty dresses, lacy dresses, little black shoes,

Seeing faces, alter spaces,

Now just who is who?

Switching places, trading places

Isn't it nice for you?

Running races, hiding places,

The monster will always get you.

Baby faces, crying faces,

Now what's the matter with you?

Secret places, dirty places

Are the animals at the zoo?

Anger crazes, heartbeat races,

Yes something’s wrong with you!

Horror traces, nasty cases,

You’re very naughty too.

My sweet baby, special baby

Yes, your sister too.

I have got you really got you,

Now what will you do?

Frozen solid numbness crawling,

What can you really do?

Dark and thick, heavy and sick,

Come on, you like it too.

Flying upward, freedoms skyward,

I'm not here with you.

Cursed response, traitors response

There is no escape for you.

Shame spawning, anger dawning,

I really do love you

Some expressing, fear repressing,

Will I ever forgive you?

Turn it inwards, pay the price,

What punishment will do.

Curly locks, coloured socks,

My God, What did I do?

Cutting stares, transparent terrors

You can't see can you?

Watchful eyes, angry eyes,

I don't know what to do

Telling lies, apple pies,

I didn't want it too

Piano keys, I want to please

Tell me what to do.

Chilling night, lonely night,

I'm dark and empty too.

Battle grounds, fearful sounds

Is your flesh crawling too?

Angry striking, love protecting,

I didn't mean to hurt you too,

How I love you, really love you,

There’s no one we can turn to.

Let’s make a deal, it won't be real,

If we forget and wish it not be true.

Misty memories, distant memories,

Just an inner dulling ache.

Dreamless nights, horror nights

How we have paid the price.

Hold your head high, the proud don't cry,

They won't know the reason why,

I believe you, you believe me,

Honest, I don't think they can see.

Life's not fair, why should I care,

What anyone thinks of me.

Trying so hard, wishing so hard

Will I ever be good enough?

Push it down, keep it down,

I really am quite tough,

I really wonder, if in the thunder,

Lie the secrets of life.

Something missing, rain is hissing

Will I ever get it right?

Inner torment, aching torrent,

I really hate this game called life.

Memories flashing, feelings gashing

Is there any end to strife?

Will Prince Charming, quite alarming

Come and make me his wife?

Stupid wishes, there are no kisses

That can remove this twisting knife.

Desperate hoping, ardent wishing,

I just want to enjoy life.

Chaotic days, lonely nights,

I see no end in sight.

Eternal pain, no fucking gain

It seems a hopeless fight.

Constant struggle, learn to juggle,

Should I end it all tonight?

There is no use, ironic universe

Instant return to make it right.

Some how cruel, this constant duel,

and painful came that we call life

Are lessons learned, anything earned?

Or is it all just useless strife?

A-M

Extracted From Romancing Mary Jane

The author Michael Poole passed recently ... and he and I had worked together for a piece of time ... then he wrote about our working together in his book, "Romancing Mary Jane, A Year In The Life of a Failed Marijuana Grower." as follows:

Marijuana is one of those issues that seems never to go away. Just the other day, it was the subject of a radio phone-in show, and I was surprised by the number of complaints about addiction. These calls didn't accord with my own experience or with the science as I understand it, though they did echo my time in psychotherapy. All through my crash and recovery I smoked marijuana occasionally, even though my shrink advised against it. It's a mask, he said. Covers what you want to uncover. Since hearing this show, I've gone back to my notes (I taped every session), not for any therapeutic reason but to review his take on marijuana and addiction.

Finding the right psychotherapist is like buying boots-if the fit isn't right, you're going nowhere together. Neil Tubb was right for me. On my first visit I did most of the talking for more than an hour, then in twenty astounding minutes he showed me my inner workings, as starkly as an oracle spreading goat guts on altar- As I left, he said it would take five to seven years of intense work for me to straighten myself out. The cure, as it turned out, required just nine months of concentrated effort, and I came through my time with Neil convinced that he had, quite literally, saved my life.

I used to enjoy my visits to Neil. He lives-or did then-near the Victoria waterfront, overlooking Juan de Fuca Strait. I'd often find him sitting outside smoking-psychotherapists have addictions too. He's large and rumpled with grey hair and beard, an EX-RCMP narc , though seemingly free of any reefer madness fantasies about marijuana. "I never found that it had much effect on me at all," he told me at our first session. "It sure as hell didn't raise my consciousness. If I'm going to do anything mind-altering, I'd much rather have a belt of rum." But mind-altering, at least with drugs or alcohol, is not a harmless diversion in Neil's view. Toking would only delay my recovery, he said, and if I kept at it long enough it could do me in.

"Because the quality of the high diminishes over time," he warned, "the quantity has to increase- For some people who have a powerful need to repress things, it turns into a boxcar train that keeps getting longer ... because I smoke marijuana, I smoke marijuana, I smoke marijuana. It doesn't give it to me any more, so I smoke marijuana and do alcohol. Marijuana and alcohol. Then I do cocaine, and it just builds."

Neil's point was that as long as patients can hide behind booze or drugs, they'll avoid facing the psychological cause of their ill¬ness. But I was certain that didn't apply to me. My addiction was self-redeeming work, not dope, and I never believed that smoking masked my inner scars. In fact, opening old wounds was not diffi¬cult for me. My collapse had been so complete, so torturous, my ego defenses were knocked flat, and facing even the most fearsome dragons in my psyche was preferable to living with the twin tigers of suicide and insanity. I guess that's why I was able to straighten myself out in a fraction of the time that Neil had predicted. I was ready.

At first I was uneasy about ignoring Neil's warnings, because he was so right about everything else. He knew exactly what ailed me and how to treat it. My family doctor agreed, prescribing Luvox, one of the refinements of Prozac. "You are so steeply in crash mode," Neil said, "nothing can be done until we get you back on the level with this drug so you can function." When the change first hit, after about six days on Luvox, I was filming herons on the Fraser River delta. Preoccupied with what I was doing, I didn't notice at first that I was feeling strangely and wonderfully different. My mood turned optimistic, free of cares and responsibilities, happy. My surroundings-tide pools, eelgrass, the flat calm sea and distant green of the Gulf Islands-all looked abnormally vivid, the colours brighter. I stopped work (it no longer seemed very important) and lay on the beach for the rest of the afternoon, just watching the puffy June clouds drift past. Driving home, I floated serenely through the rush-hour traffic, utterly without the usual frustrations. Over the next few days, as the chemical changes in my brain took hold, this new lightness of being became fixed. I began to sleep better, and my sense of burnout returned. (Carole had been complaining for months that I wasn't much fun any more.) And not only did my crippling depressions vanish; I real¬ized that I had been living for years under a cloud of constant low-grade depression, as if I were seeing the world darkly through an X-ray plate. That, too, was gone.

Although Luvox was truly a wonder drug for me, it dealt only with symptoms, not the causes of my malaise.

On Healing Real and Imagined

EXPERIENCE has taught us that most, if not all, of us are trying to think our way into a new way of living. The truth is that the miracle of change comes in the form of having the courage to do the exact opposite.

Live My Way Into A New Way of Thinking.
Not
Thinking my way into a new way of Living.

But

Live My Way Into A New Way of Thinking.

Exercise (1) It has been my belief since my earliest memory that “I am alone and my world is a dangerous place”. My life seems to affirm this to me daily.

Write about this thought

Exercise (2) I have found that I only can acquire the relief and happiness that I think I want by doing something or getting something.

Write about this thought

Exercise (3) There are times when I feel I am so desperate, lost and alone.

Write about this thought

Exercise(4) I have learned that when my best efforts fail me that I have gathered habits along the way that I can depend on. These habits are creations from outside of me and they are "magical".

Write about this thought

Exercise(5) They take their form as substances, actions or facilities, things that I use daily just to get by on. I know that I can always reach out to them and they can be relied on.

Write about this thought

Exercise (6) It is sad but true that these “magical” chattels are my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions.

Write about this thought

Exercise (7) As I still my thoughts and close my eyes, I begin to realize that I have placed the scant shadow of my faith in a place and on activities that are misbegotten.

Write about this thought

Exercise (8) I am beginning to admit to myself that my beliefs really are not true. The various forms of my beliefs, my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions are devices that have only brought me pain.

Write about this thought

Exercise (9) I am admitting that I have no control over them; in fact I have given them all my power.

Write about this thought

Exercise (10) I also notice that they have no power of their own. They sit there like lifeless forms, shadows or ghosts, awaiting only the wind of my restlessness to stir my soul and scatter them.

Write about this thought

Exercise (11) I admit that I have been insane and I begin to wonder about what may lay before me as I begin my journey toward finding the world of my sanity.

Write about this thought

Experience Has Taught Me

That I am out of control and I know I am not happy.

That my Beliefs have not and cannot make me happy

I know I must find “different” to be happy.

Where will I look?

What will I see?

And who will help me?

Take Some Time Out To Be Silent With Him ...

"We cannot find God in noise or agitation, nature: trees, flowers and grass grow in silence. The stars, the moon and the sun move in silence. What is essential is not what we say but what God tells us and what He tells others through us. In silence He listens to us, in silence He speaks to our souls. Take some time out to be silent with Him."

- Mother Theresa

from her book "No Greater Love"

22 Things .... From ... Understanding "Me" While Being "We"

22 Things

We Need To Understand

And

Accept To Make This Thing Work

1. The only person whose behaviour we have any power over is our own. We may try like hell to change others but the truth of it is We Can't ...

2. All we can give another person is information.

3. All psychological problems are relationship problems. Most easily seen in relationships ... they come out of hiding here. They are very disruptive within the bounds of the relationship ...

4. The problem relationship is always part of our present life.

5. The problem becomes our working definition of normal.

6. The problem is ever present ... affecting everything we do.

7. It is insidious ... it quietly undermines who we think we are ... quietly almost unnoticed.

8. We numb out because of it.

9. We can never seem to have the relationship we want ... Oh yes we know what it looks like ... but we can never get our needs met properly ... We don't know how ...

10. What happened in the past has everything to do with what and how we are today; the problem is we can only satisfy our basic needs in the here and now. Then once that is accomplished we can plan to continue satisfying them in the future.

11. We can't go back and get our needs met. We have to grieve our losses ... in the present ... then come to terms with who and what we are today ... then learn how to met our own needs in a creative fashion ...

12. We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Imagined World.

13. We have to know where to look for the clues and cues on what to do so we can escape the ritual of our past.

14. All we do is “Behave.” This one is so simple yet so hard to see ... all we do is Behave or Not Behave ... Oddly enough Not Behaving is a behaviour too ... smile

15. All Behaviours are complete in and of themselves.

16. All behaviours are made up of four basic components: Acting, Thinking, Feeling and Physiology.

17. We choose our behaviours, but we only have direct control over the Acting and Thinking components.

18. Most Important concept ... we are responsible for what we do, how we do it ... we can claim someone else made us ____________ but in actual fact we chose ...

19. We can only control our Feelings and Physiology indirectly through how we choose to Act and Think.

20. We can actually take responsibility for what we do ... when we do it ...

21. If we can do this then we can break the SPELL John Bradshaw talks about in his book "The Family"(see page 221/222 )...

22. All behaviour is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable.

Part (8) From Understanding Me While Being We

There is a Door and here is one of the keys

Understanding Me While Being We

Habits that Clearly Show Caring

001 Intimacy (Extracted from Terry Kelloggs Broken Toys Broken Dreams)

Intimacy is difficult because we expect it and want it right away. We seek instant intimacy. Sex, the best worst example of instant intimacy, can be the “instant gratification" for intimacy-seeking souls. Sex, courtship and infatuation all contain elements of feeling intimate, but they are not intimacy. Too much, too soon, too fast, too hard can damage the possibilities of intimacy.

Intimacy is the result of a sharing and caring friendship built between people. It is the feeling in a relationship that promotes closeness, ‘bondedness’ and ‘connectedness' without enmeshment. For someone who has spent their life struggling in enmeshed relationships intimacy is difficult to recognize. Intimacy is not the focusing on each other, or having sex or fighting with each other. Rather it is a growing - side by side - facing the same direction, facing the problems life has thrown in the way, sharing the world within and sharing the world without, and most importantly, it is the building of a history of experience, one on top of the other and allowing that sharing to cause or create an awareness - together.

The key word in the whole process is with.

With a sponsor, with a friend, with my spouse, with someone who actually cares for me, not just for who they need me to be, but for who I am, and me returning that thought by caring for them just as they are, and not as I need them to be. Oh yes, there is instant sex, instant relation¬ship, instant hot chocolate, but rarely instant intimacy.

Intimacy comes when we are pointed in a healthy direction, when we have a clear identity of who we think we are and are happy with that thought, when we endeavor to live a life of balance, when we are open to trust, and when we are willing to experience our own pain and fears and ultimately when we know, love and accept self.

002 Being Supporting
I may not necessarily agree with what you are doing but I will support you ... in my actions and in my thoughts.

003 Being Encouraging
When I see you struggling ... I will encourage you to make your journey ... the best teacher in life is life itself ... and most times we just need to go through what we need to so that we can learn the How To's of Life.

004 Being Listening/Listener
When I listen to you or to others I reassure me quietly that I am heard too ... Odd but true ... to be able to listen to my partner work at being who they are and supporting them in their attempt and encouraging them to move forward is important for them but more so for me

005 Being Accepting
Life is full of hiccups and my mistakes allow me to see more clearly where it is that I am going ... there will be times when I encounter situations and people that I am totally in disagreement with ... then I have to move my mind and heart to a place called accepting ... in doing so I may discover that what they are is morally or ethically wrong ... then I can stand my ground with purpose ... but to accept my life being what it is and how it is ... is the secret to my serenity today (AA's Big Book)

006 Being Trusting/Trustworthy
This is totally about real value ... and what is really valuable ... A Course In Miracles (see manual for Teacher’s on page 9) takes some time with this thought ... this is not about I hope he or she will not step on my toes ... this is about how I value you and how I perceive that you value me and how it is that I value me ... this is all about perception and value ... but the point is real value.

007 Demonstrating Respect and Value
In partnering we next naturally come to the need for respect. It follows that if I am in a relationship with you, then I need to respect your choices ... I don’t need to agree with them but I do need to respect them. I don’t need to try and control your choices. One of the undercurrents of saying “I love you.” often is my need for or my attempt to ... control, so I can feel safe in the face of overwhelming knowledge that I am Alone And My World Is A Dangerous Place. In showing respect for you, I allow you to be who you are and I don’t attempt to adjust you to my liking ... the way I need you to be so I can believe that I am safe. So if I am in a place called respect, I respect every belief you have and every choice you make. Again, I may not agree, but I respect ... Why? Because I love you the way you are, not for the way I need you to be. Now to balance off respect spiritually within me, I ... being in Self Love and not narcissism, I have to respect my own life, (wants, wishes, needs and desires) and thus I will not allow you to control how and who I am.

008 Willing to Talk things Through

An open Mind

An open Heart

And a Willingness To Change

To be able to talk things through

To a safe conclusion for Me

To Negotiate

009 An Exercise To Take You Into Your Future

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Lift Me Up?

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Bring Me Down?

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Are Based In Truth?

Which Of Those Beliefs Are Based On Lies?

When I notice there is something out of balance, something that brings me down, something that is a lie or out of line with the Way of Things, then there are two things to do.

First, make up a new rule/belief that encompasses you being uplifted.

Second, then say to yourself or to whoever may be present:

I’m Sorry

Please Forgive Me

I Love You

But the important thing is that you offer this up to your soul first.

Thirteenth Principle

Thirteenth Principle

The respect of your team, your partners (Life and Business) is more important than all the laurels the world can provide.

Don't put limitations on yourself.

Others will do that for you.

Don't do it to yourself.

Don't bet against you before you start.

Fourteenth Principle

Fourteenth Principle

Take Risks

"Failure is not an option"

That statement is not true.

Failure has to be option for life to be rich.

Why?

Simple!

It is in the “leap of faith” that "Risk Taking Entails"

Where Life gains its flavour.

Life and its richness is in the attempting to do what you've never done before.

So failure is an option

But fear is not.

Fifteenth Principle

Fifteenth Principle

Arthur C. Clarke

Formulated the following three "laws" of prediction:

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is probably wrong.

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Forgiveness, Judgement and the Way of Things

One of the more interesting facets of Forgiveness is that it can only function in the present moment. It can be about our past but it can only happen in the here and now.

Judgement on the other hand functions very well in the past and the future ... in fact it has a very difficult time functioning in the present at all. If you look at it clearly you will notice just like me that it is always about something that happened and it seems to want to prevent you from having something in your most immediate future or even further up the time line.

Forgiveness is what I do, not what I think.

Judgement is about how I think and how I look at things, not what I do.

These are two very different places in this universe. My mind can encompass both places. Now comes a slight twist; Judgement is a very necessary part of Forgiveness. Whereas Forgiveness is not necessarily a part of judgement; there is a pecking order here and if you get it backwards you can spend a great deal of time wondering just what the heck is going on. Judgement is a place you have to pass through to get to Forgiveness. Whereas Forgiveness is a place you arrive at ... then do it. Purely Subjective! You can feel it afterwards and most do. It is the release of an enormous amount of energy that had been invested in a protection racket.

To begin to move toward Forgiveness we have to see what happened and how it affected us ... what it took from us ... and what it left us with ... And that process is deeply woven in thought processes and Judgement.

Whereas when we reach Forgiveness, we recover the energy that we invested into protecting us from the afterglow of those events that hurt us deeply. Again we are sorting through thoughts. I like to call them The Ghost of Christmas Past. We think, and think is the key word here, that the pain of these lost memories still has the power to destroy us like they once nearly did.

With Forgiveness, the Ego releases those thoughts and pains of the past and the energy the Ego used to maintain its guardianship over our well being in the present moment. Forgiveness gives us back a clear mind to appreciate our future and now the Ego can invest that energy in the creativity of being us in the present.

All of this is about point of view. It is the difference between objective Judgment and Subjective action. Very powerful! ... but a point of view none the less.

A Codependent Relationships

• Denies the need for the individual to be in a relationship with or have the assistance of … a Higher Power…. A Power Greater Than …

• Is based on self-hate from shame and guilt (repressed more often than not).

• hides this shame and guilt under the guise of love of or for another (attempting to appear as indispensable … there are many variations on a theme around this one).

• Places the answer to ridding ourselves of our shame/guilt outside of our selves. (This is based on the deeper assumption that the Self is not good enough to be a part of … thus broken … and the answer to ridding the Self of life’s pain must be other than where the Self is … outside of the self)

• Assumes that something fundamental is lacking in the Self … being broken as mentioned above … and if the Self could just find that something or someone or someplace then It would be happy … thus co dependents take prisoners … are obsessive and compulsive.

• Affixes expectations for “better” on the others, and the special rela¬tionship so formed … be that with a person or a place or a circumstance … somehow, as if by magic, the relationship will make things better… but the attempt is always self-defeating because it denies the truth of the identity and purpose of the other(s) involved in the special relationship … they can’t be real and maintain the neediness undercurrent of the special relationship … they were created for a purpose by the Higher Power also and there is a strong possibility that their purpose was not just to make your life a better place to be. This is the process of transference and it invalidates the sense of the other person’s rightful place in the universe … they are in fact a part of God and God’s plan too.

• Is based on the scarcity principle, that there is only a limited amount of love to go around (and only insiders or blood relatives count and all the others should be excluded.)

• Becomes the focus of our anger and resentments. Because when the others won’t give us what we know they have … are hiding from us what it is that we need to be happy … we get angry and resent them for hurting us … deliberately.

• Shifts responsibility for our happiness to those others and the supposed special relationship(s). (For example, "If only you were or would be such and such, then I would be happy.")

• And finally, the ego (false or co-dependent self) uses the special rela¬tionship to attack the other(s) by projecting our own shame and guilt onto them but it does this by promising them salvation and happiness and fulfill¬ment.

These factors outlined above seem to be one of the better descriptions of a working definition of co-de¬pendence.

All of these characteristics pointed out above are related in some way to the core issues of co-dependence, issues like denial, control, difficulty trust¬ing, low self-esteem, difficulty handling conflict, and difficulty giving and receiving love.

Lessons Learned From Life’s Experiences

 • Have Empathy For The Source Of Your Pain. Who, What, Where, When and Why. There is the strongest possibility that whatever is causing you pain may be reflecting you back to you.

 • Rational Thought Won't Work. My rationalization is Biased by my experience. That much is true. My Experience influences my best thinking. Again True. And my rational thinking is pre determined by the aftermath of my experience. Therein lay the Bias. So what makes sense to me might not be either sensible or reasonable, the problem is, it makes sense to me. There are times when I am prepared to fight to the death for those beliefs; that doesn’t make any of those beliefs either True or Right. They are just my belief(s) biased by my experience.

• There Is Something At Work Behind All This And That Is Beyond Me And My Self Centeredness And All That I Can Imagine. A Force far greater than me. Can you imagine that. Imagine something you couldn’t possibly imagine.

 • Be Prepared To Re Examine Your Motives And Your Reasons As Well As Your Morals For Doing What You Do. This gets to be interesting when you discover how to use rigorous honesty and apply it to self.

• In Order To Do Your Journey You Will Have To Confront Evil. This is true. It has happened to me several times in my life. It happened at times and in places that one would not necessarily think it would be present but it was. Evil does not have to be coarse. It can be ... but sometimes it is very subtle.

 • Never Say Never. Occam’s Razor underscores this sentiment ... “Pluralitas non est ponenda sine neccesitate” … see reverse side … the Principles of Parsimony. The precursor to the KISS principle.

• You Can't Change Human Nature. The only thing you can change is Your Mind About Human Nature.

 • Human Nature Is The Curriculum Of Life. It Is What You Do With It, That Matters.

 With Time Spent On The Path

There Will Come A Time

When You Can Return To The Starting Gate

And See It For How It Truly Is

For The First Time

“With Eyes Unclouded By Longing.”

Occam's Razor, … the principle is attributed to the mediaeval philosopher and Franciscan priest named William of Ockham (1280/1349). At the core of the Razor it assumes that simpler explanations are inherently “better” than “complicated ones” … is also referred to as the Principle of Parsimony .

The scientific method of hypothesis generation and testing relies heavily on this as a principle of discernment … a powerful tool.

Here are some other interpretations:

•  One should not increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything.
• One should always choose the simplest explanation of a phenomenon, the one that requires the fewest leaps of logic.
• Don't make unnecessarily complicated assumptions.
• Make things as simple as possible - but no simpler .
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid!
• The principle states that one should not make more assumptions than the minimum needed.

 It underlies all scientific modeling, theory building and psychological and sociological reframing.

The Razor admonishes us to choose from a set of otherwise equivalent models, ideas, explanations of and for a given phenomenon, situation or circumstance … choose the simplest explanation or route … the simplest one is often as not … the best one.

In any given model or “pool of information”, Occam's razor helps us to “shave off” those concepts or complications, variables or constructs … “thoughts and beliefs” … that are not really needed to explain the phenomenon or the circumstance … gets rid of the window dressing … the very stuff that we get lost in as we try and solve our problems from our own pool of knowledge and experience.

The Way Of Things

Conflict in social interaction comes in many forms: brute force, implacable institutions, and internal divisions among one's friends, fellow workers and family. If there is to be an opening in any situation, a way through to resolution, we are going to have to be willing to listen to what we have to say to ourselves about ourselves, and at the same time not be caught in the reactive nature that has brought us to impasse in the first place.

Insights don't come easily, as you probably are discovering. It takes a great deal of strength to detach you and be honest. After all, we all have vested interests in whom and what we think we are and what is going on around us. This is the stuff that gives us our definition of who we are, and we tend to seek out those situations, people and events that support what we have come to learn about ourselves in the first place.

It’s a cycle; nothing more, nothing less.

We may even begin to notice that along with our cleanest dirty shirt and good intentions, we have also carried with us the seeds of our own pain. Our expectations, our needs sometimes come home to roost, and to act out because that is what "they" most perfectly do. After all it makes sense, after all it’s the way it's always been done.

So if it is a prison that we are in, then we have to be open to the examination of every aspect, just to find that loose brick or vent duct so we can actually begin our escape from our false self into our real self.

The Momentum of Co-creation

There are things that are hard to move past, hard to see past ... hard to let go of ... that much I know is true.

But it is also true that your sense of self is a major contributing factor to this world being here and being the place it seems to be. That is a very important concept. Most don’t ever consider that as a fact, but it is. For all intents and purposes your world, and my world seem coherent ... it seems to adhere to the Way of Things ... at least as you and I understand them.

This phenomenon called life that you and I share with all the rest of the lost and wandering souls on the face of this planet has some interesting twists and turns tucked away in it.

Here is one. However we view it, there are the avenues that if we invest our belief(s) and faith in ... that force begins the momentum of co-creation ... most never realize that. So this place and the way we think it is, is a result of how we think it is, stop and think about that for a moment, because if you notice then how you think can be profound. Then the fact of the Way of Things is that life is exactly the way it is supposed to be, just how we all thought it up to be.

Next! This place where we live is a perfectly balanced place ... very often it is precariously balanced ... but perfectly balanced none the less. Don’t confuse that with Healthy by the way. We as travellers on the good ship Earth have set it so. This Precariousness of Life is something that is a reflection of our opposition to both the Creation ... and the Creator.

After all, what the heck would he or she know about anything that affects us down here on this speck of star dust in the Milky Way ...

The opposition to how things are and the Way of Things starts with just one thought ... now the oddity of the situation is ... so does The Awakening, which is the alignment with the Way of Things. Just one thought but in a different direction. As I come out of my trance-like sleep and see what lay before me ... I see life ... I see death ... I see happy and I see pain ... I see suffering ... both justice and injustice and I see opulence ... I see so many things that at first it is hard to keep my eyes open. Then my eyes accustom themselves to all that is and I see the grandeur in the process of God’s Law and at the same time, the flaws of Man’s Law. And I begin my journey toward God’s Law and the Way of Things ... away from my ego and toward my spirit.

Rightness is a result not a cause

There are two important places in our deeper consciousness, one is a place of “Rightness” and the other is a place of “Forgiveness” ... and one can’t exist without the other ... A full life requires that you hold no resentments against any one in life ...

Forgiveness is attained by recovering the energy that I have invested in protecting me from a world I thought would destroy me and investing that very same energy into my creativity ... thus becoming a co creator with the Creator ...

Universal Law: The possibility of all this ... thus both Life and Miracles are limited by what you believe as possible ... neither Life nor Miracles will violate your belief structure ...

For you to have the “More” and “Fuller” Life you were intended to have it is your job in this lifetime to expand your image and idea of how life is ... that is the quiet and nearly indiscernible necessity that lay behind life, creativity and co creativity.

It is dependent on your ability to see past what it is that you have been trained to see as real ...

... Rightness Is a Result Not a Cause ...

Lama Guendun Rinpoche: On Happiness

Happiness is not to be found with many efforts or will
But is here, nearby, in your relaxing and surrendering.
Don't worry; there is nothing to be done.
Everything that comes up to your mind has no importance because it has no reality.
Don't conceive any attachment for it.
Don't judge yourself.
Let it be.
Let it come up and down without changing a thing.
It all vanishes and begins again, endlessly.
Nothing but the quest for happiness prevents us from seeing it.
It is like a rainbow that one is always chasing without ever reaching it.
It is because it has no existence.
It has always been here and goes with you all the time.
Don't believe in the reality of experiences, good or bad.
They are like rainbows.
Because we want to grasp what is not to be grasped,
We exhaust our strength in vain.
As soon as we relinquish our hold, space is here, open, welcoming & comfortable.
So, do enjoy it.
Everything is yours already.
Stop searching.
Don't go into the jungle to look for the elephant that is quietly waiting for you at home.
There is nothing to do.
There is nothing to force.
There is nothing to desire.
And all comes by itself.

I heard my mother call my name

Old, dead woman, you’ve held sway for far too long.
You with your judgments.
You with your disapproval.
You with your conditional love.
You with your ideas about what is best for me.
You with your cancer legacy.
You with your attempts to control, even my death.
You with the siren song calling me to your grave.
Enough old, dead woman. You will s-mother me no more.
I will be my own judge.
I will seek my own approval.
I will love me.
I will decide what is best for me.
I will have my cancer my way.
I will control my own life.
And I will listen to your songs of death no more.



DF Feb 2010

Part One The Necessity of Creativity

The expression of any form of creativity opens the closets and the dustbins of the mind and begins the process of airing out the cobwebs. The process of being creative seems to be the process that as an aside brings healing. It does not seem to matter what is being created just that the process of creation seems to hold part of the secret of healing. Perhaps it is the deeper sense of being connected to a part of you that is connected to all that is, or perhaps it is just you getting past how you think for a short space in time.

There are certain truths that apply to all situations and one important one is; that before a wound can heal it must be seen. It needs to be exposed to the light of day. The act of exposing the wound to air and light of day is often as not a function of the inner drive of the creative soul trying to shed itself of something it never wanted nor was intended to have.

Why, because for most of us, these deep seated inner processes are bound up by shame, a shame that was acquired early on in life when no one noticed us or our efforts or our own particular expressions of creativity. They noticed what we did not do, not what we did. Our parents, our peers and our teachers became our prime sense of shame. Just think back and I am sure that you, just like me, can find a significant shaming event that slowed or stopped your creative energies.

Know this; the soul does not want the burden of the shame, but the ego is afraid of the pain that may be involved in processing the shame. Second: it can be counterproductive to force things into our way of doing things against these deep-seated inner processes of shame. Third: when you are depending on just you and just your resources for guidance through all this, know this: you are in serious trouble.

Round Pegs

Square Holes

Larger mallets

Simply Don’t Work

Part Two Creative Shaming: The Flip Side of Creativity

Creative Shaming occurs when we come in conflict with someone or something and they have a need to be in authority over us or our situation. What the recipe for the conflict seems to be is their need for authority over us being triggered by our neediness for (fill in the blank) that conflicts with their repressed neediness for (fill in the blank generally the same thing). Might Makes Right ???? … Oh Really

It is actually an ego defense strategy of reducing the perception of the sense of anxiety by attempting to gain authority over that which seems to remind them of their hidden pain. An outer fix for an inner condition. At best it is a temporary fix.

Thus the shame spiral gets passed on.

Now it is about here that the results of this authority shaming can be seen;

If a child has ever been made to feel foolish for believing himself or herself talented, then the act of actually finishing or completing something, a piece of art, a simple household task, etc will be fraught with intense internal shame, shame dialogues, scripts, self defeating acts and thoughts will storm through the mind and it will be next to impossible to do, if not impossible to bring the work to completion.

Many people begin tasks and they get well along in the process of doing them, and then they come to the wall. As they come near completing the task at hand then their works seems to suddenly and mysteriously drain of merit.

It's no longer worth the trouble.

To therapists, this surge of sudden disinterest ("It doesn't matter") is a routine coping device employed to deny pain and ward off vulnerability of being shamed upon completion. If I do nothing then no-thing or no one can hurt me.

This is called detachment.

Part Three Detachment: Their Way of Things

Those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes learned to use Detachment as a coping device, and most of us learned to use it very well. It became Our Way Of Things.

This business of detaching is really a method of skimming close to boredom or anxiety and making it sound socially acceptable when in fact it is a form of dissociation and is actually a form of numbing out.
Dragging home the invisible bone in hopes of finally being noticed for my achievements in a vain attempt to gain approval from and in my family of origin can become a treadmill.

Here is the familiar family refrain:

In our family no matter how big a deal it was, they never seemed to notice.

They always found something wrong with it.

If I got all A’s and a B on my report card then B got all the attention.

Statement: “He forgot my birthday.” When the truth of the matter is he was unable to act on the birthday for fear of making a mistake.

Counter: "Oh, well, no big deal." When in fact it hurts to be forgotten by someone you hope loves and cares for you, so you diminish it and try to numb it out and pretend all is well.

A lifetime of this kind of experience, in which the deep need for recognition is routinely dishonored, teaches all that putting anything out for attention is a dangerous act and almost always a painful experience.

That is the pain of Operant Learning

or

Learning by Experience

Experience Teaches Us the Truth about the System it is Demonstrating ...

Not necessarily a Truth in a Life Sense.

There is a difference

And if we fall in to the trap of applying A System Truth on Life as a Whole then our perception of life as a whole is skewed and life is difficult indeed. 

This is a Life Truth 

I am Alone and my World is a Dangerous Place

My ego believes that I am alone and my world is a dangerous place.

Only by doing something or getting something or being somebody, will I attain the happiness and safety that I seek.

These are my compulsions-obsessions.

When my efforts fail, it tells me there are certain "magic" substances and habits that can always be relied on.

These are my addictions.