001 Intimacy (Extracted from Terry Kelloggs Broken Toys Broken Dreams)
Intimacy is difficult because we expect it and want it right away. We seek instant intimacy. Sex, the best worst example of instant intimacy, can be the “instant gratification" for intimacy-seeking souls. Sex, courtship and infatuation all contain elements of feeling intimate, but they are not intimacy. Too much, too soon, too fast, too hard can damage the possibilities of intimacy.
Intimacy is the result of a sharing and caring friendship built between people. It is the feeling in a relationship that promotes closeness, ‘bondedness’ and ‘connectedness' without enmeshment. For someone who has spent their life struggling in enmeshed relationships intimacy is difficult to recognize. Intimacy is not the focusing on each other, or having sex or fighting with each other. Rather it is a growing - side by side - facing the same direction, facing the problems life has thrown in the way, sharing the world within and sharing the world without, and most importantly, it is the building of a history of experience, one on top of the other and allowing that sharing to cause or create an awareness - together.
The key word in the whole process is with.
With a sponsor, with a friend, with my spouse, with someone who actually cares for me, not just for who they need me to be, but for who I am, and me returning that thought by caring for them just as they are, and not as I need them to be. Oh yes, there is instant sex, instant relation¬ship, instant hot chocolate, but rarely instant intimacy.
Intimacy comes when we are pointed in a healthy direction, when we have a clear identity of who we think we are and are happy with that thought, when we endeavor to live a life of balance, when we are open to trust, and when we are willing to experience our own pain and fears and ultimately when we know, love and accept self.
002 Being Supporting
I may not necessarily agree with what you are doing but I will support you ... in my actions and in my thoughts.
003 Being Encouraging
When I see you struggling ... I will encourage you to make your journey ... the best teacher in life is life itself ... and most times we just need to go through what we need to so that we can learn the How To's of Life.
004 Being Listening/Listener
When I listen to you or to others I reassure me quietly that I am heard too ... Odd but true ... to be able to listen to my partner work at being who they are and supporting them in their attempt and encouraging them to move forward is important for them but more so for me
005 Being Accepting
Life is full of hiccups and my mistakes allow me to see more clearly where it is that I am going ... there will be times when I encounter situations and people that I am totally in disagreement with ... then I have to move my mind and heart to a place called accepting ... in doing so I may discover that what they are is morally or ethically wrong ... then I can stand my ground with purpose ... but to accept my life being what it is and how it is ... is the secret to my serenity today (AA's Big Book)
006 Being Trusting/Trustworthy
This is totally about real value ... and what is really valuable ... A Course In Miracles (see manual for Teacher’s on page 9) takes some time with this thought ... this is not about I hope he or she will not step on my toes ... this is about how I value you and how I perceive that you value me and how it is that I value me ... this is all about perception and value ... but the point is real value.
007 Demonstrating Respect and Value
In partnering we next naturally come to the need for respect. It follows that if I am in a relationship with you, then I need to respect your choices ... I don’t need to agree with them but I do need to respect them. I don’t need to try and control your choices. One of the undercurrents of saying “I love you.” often is my need for or my attempt to ... control, so I can feel safe in the face of overwhelming knowledge that I am Alone And My World Is A Dangerous Place. In showing respect for you, I allow you to be who you are and I don’t attempt to adjust you to my liking ... the way I need you to be so I can believe that I am safe. So if I am in a place called respect, I respect every belief you have and every choice you make. Again, I may not agree, but I respect ... Why? Because I love you the way you are, not for the way I need you to be. Now to balance off respect spiritually within me, I ... being in Self Love and not narcissism, I have to respect my own life, (wants, wishes, needs and desires) and thus I will not allow you to control how and who I am.
When I notice there is something out of balance, something that brings me down, something that is a lie or out of line with the Way of Things, then there are two things to do.
First, make up a new rule/belief that encompasses you being uplifted.
Second, then say to yourself or to whoever may be present: