Saturday, August 28, 2010

A Codependent Relationships

• Denies the need for the individual to be in a relationship with or have the assistance of … a Higher Power…. A Power Greater Than …

• Is based on self-hate from shame and guilt (repressed more often than not).

• hides this shame and guilt under the guise of love of or for another (attempting to appear as indispensable … there are many variations on a theme around this one).

• Places the answer to ridding ourselves of our shame/guilt outside of our selves. (This is based on the deeper assumption that the Self is not good enough to be a part of … thus broken … and the answer to ridding the Self of life’s pain must be other than where the Self is … outside of the self)

• Assumes that something fundamental is lacking in the Self … being broken as mentioned above … and if the Self could just find that something or someone or someplace then It would be happy … thus co dependents take prisoners … are obsessive and compulsive.

• Affixes expectations for “better” on the others, and the special rela¬tionship so formed … be that with a person or a place or a circumstance … somehow, as if by magic, the relationship will make things better… but the attempt is always self-defeating because it denies the truth of the identity and purpose of the other(s) involved in the special relationship … they can’t be real and maintain the neediness undercurrent of the special relationship … they were created for a purpose by the Higher Power also and there is a strong possibility that their purpose was not just to make your life a better place to be. This is the process of transference and it invalidates the sense of the other person’s rightful place in the universe … they are in fact a part of God and God’s plan too.

• Is based on the scarcity principle, that there is only a limited amount of love to go around (and only insiders or blood relatives count and all the others should be excluded.)

• Becomes the focus of our anger and resentments. Because when the others won’t give us what we know they have … are hiding from us what it is that we need to be happy … we get angry and resent them for hurting us … deliberately.

• Shifts responsibility for our happiness to those others and the supposed special relationship(s). (For example, "If only you were or would be such and such, then I would be happy.")

• And finally, the ego (false or co-dependent self) uses the special rela¬tionship to attack the other(s) by projecting our own shame and guilt onto them but it does this by promising them salvation and happiness and fulfill¬ment.

These factors outlined above seem to be one of the better descriptions of a working definition of co-de¬pendence.

All of these characteristics pointed out above are related in some way to the core issues of co-dependence, issues like denial, control, difficulty trust¬ing, low self-esteem, difficulty handling conflict, and difficulty giving and receiving love.

1 comment:

  1. How many times has my mother told me she loves me? I suppose as much as she is capable, she does. But every time she says those words, they are out of fear that I am going to leave her and not because she is expressing any real emotion. I don't allow myself to be hooked into her codependence much anymore (I say 'much' because every now and then I slip) and for her that is terrifying. How sad her life is and how grateful I am that it is not mine.