Wednesday, May 19, 2010
After The Door There is a View
A Great Obscenity of My Life seems to be my insatiable desire to surrender and give over my soul and my sanity to those who would eviscerate me.
I mean why? But I just seem to keep doing it!
In my processes of my recovery or is that my discovery thus far, I have come to learn that this need of mine to turn my Life and Will over to inappropriate souls is done with a purpose. The purpose is twisted but it is there and it is demanding and it drives me at times to do things or believe things that are really not in my best interest.
The Purpose seems to be for me to attain a (false) sense of acceptance and security that I seem to believe that I so desperately need. It seems that I have chosen those who are supposed to give that sense of well being to me and I have surrounded myself with them. The oddity that I noticed recently is that all those that I surrounded myself with all have connections to the deeper shadows and ghosts of my past. Now is that recovery or discovery?
None of this is done in my conscious mind, this is all done under the surface of my conscious mind, but it is working, and seems now that it is constantly at work never taking a holiday.
When I saw this in all its many forms and intricacies recently, it was then that I realized what I was seeing (saw and realized are two different places in my consciousness) for the first time. It was as if I stood on a Grand Vista gazing out over eternity and for the first time I could see clearly through the Mysts Of Time. I could see the length and breadth of the spiritual journey that lay before me. What I noticed was that I was only at the beginning of all that is. It ... my life ... would not really start for me until I am willing to go through that Door that sits at the center of the Great Hall Of My Awareness and let go of my resistance.
Then I Can Have
Eternity On My Side
Me finding Me