On Spiritual Path Finding

Once you have awakened from The Great Sleep Of Your Unawareness ...

Once you get past The Circumstances Of Your Best Imaginings ...

Once you’ve bumped into The Greater Way Of Things ...

There’s no turning back ...

Your problem is

Now you know.

And

This knowing cannot be undone ...

Once you’re initiated

You’re done.

Your Initiated.

And

Your life ... like it or lump it ... has changed ...

I had a Traveller once who screamed at me

“Put It Back The Way It Was!”

Sorry—I don’t do that one ...

I am just a gate keeper,

“Shams al Din.”

It’s a one way passage.

Through,

But only after

... “You know!” ...

NDT 2005

On HEALING THE BODY ... A B C's of "Spiritual" Healing

Healing the Body

James Joyce wrote of one character, "Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body."

A B C's of "Spiritual" Healing

a) Meditation practice and its progressive tendency begins with techniques for bringing us to an awareness of our bodies.

b) This is especially important in a culture such as ours, which has neglected physical and instinctual life.

c) In meditation, we can slow down and sit quietly, truly staying with whatever arises.

d) With awareness, we can cultivate a will¬ingness to open to physical experiences without struggling against them, to actually live in our bodies.

e) As we do so, we feel more clearly its pleasures and its pains.

f) Because our acculturation teaches us to avoid or run from pain, we do not know much about it.

g) To heal the body we must study pain.

h) When we bring close attention to our physical pains, we will notice several kinds.

i) We see that sometimes pain arises as we adjust to an unaccustomed sitting posture.

j) Other times, pains arise as signals that we're sick or have a genuine physical problem.

k) These pains call for a direct response and healing action from us.

Now the complicated Stuff

However, most often the kinds of pains we encounter in meditative attention are not indications of physical problems. They are the painful, physical manifestations of our emotional, psychological, and spiritual holdings and contractions. Reich called these pains our muscular armor, the areas of our body that we have tightened over and over in painful situations as a way to protect ourselves from life's inevitable difficulties. Even a healthy person who sits somewhat comfortably to meditate will probably become aware of pains in his or her body. As we sit still, our shoulders, our backs, our jaws, or our necks may hurt. Accumulated knots in the fabric of our body, previously undetected, begin to reveal themselves as we open. As we become conscious of the pain they have held, we may also notice feelings, memories, or images connected spe-cifically to each area of tension.

As we gradually include in our awareness all that we have previously shut out and neglected, our body heals. Learning to work with this opening is part of the art of meditation.

Spiritual Principles for Recovery

Initially, we have to focus on honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, humility, and acceptance.

The practice of the Principle Of Honesty starts with admitting the truth about our life and continues with the practice of honesty on a daily, moment to moment, basis.

 When we say, "I'm in recovery" it may be the first truly honest thing we've said in a long, long time.

 We begin to be able to be honest with ourselves and, consequently with other people eventually.

 Change and recovery doesn’t happen overnight.

 If I've been thinking about acting out on my stuff I need to ask myself; have I shared it with my sponsor, my therapist or my group; have I told anyone else or am I still keeping secrets?

To practice the Principle Of Acceptance we must do more than merely admit that we have problems.

 When we accept our problems for what they are, we accept that they are not the working definition of self.

 When we accept our problems for what they are, we feel a profound inner change that is underscored by a rising sense of hope.

 We also begin to feel a sense of peace.

 We come to terms with our obsessions, compulsions and addictions in our recovery processes, and with this we come to appreciate the meaning and comprehend the realities these eccentricities have in our lives.

 We don't dread a future of recovery practices, of attending meetings, of interpersonal contact, of doing step work; instead, we begin to see recovery as a precious gift, and the work connected with it as no more trouble than other routines of life.

A Frog Named Alex

Once upon a time in a tiny town, there lived a family with a pet frog named Alex. The family lived a modest comfortable existence on what they earned working at the Wal-Mart but always dreamed of being rich.

"Alex!" they exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! We're going to teach you how to fly!"

Alex, of course, was terrified at the prospect: "I can't fly, you idiots....I'm a frog, not a canary!"

The family, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Alex: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. We're sending you to special classes.

So Alex went to a three day seminar and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication...but nothing about flying.

On the first day of "flying lessons", the family could barely control their excitement (and Alex could barely control her bladder). The family explained that their apartment building had 15 floors, and each day Alex would jump out of a window, starting with the first floor and eventually getting to the top floor.

After each jump, Alex would analyze how well she flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Alex would surely be able to fly. And, of course, the family would be rich, proud and fulfilled. Alex understood that the fate of the entire family depended on her success.

She pleaded for her life, but it fell on deaf ears. "She just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought the family, "but we won't let nay-Sayers get in the way."

So, with that, the family opened the window and threw Alex out (who landed with a thud).

Alex tried many different techniques for dissuading the family and became very proficient at manipulating, cajoling, using humor and persuading but to no avail (she had read somewhere that the light bulb had to want to change?). The family continued and Alex tried her best. But try as she might, she couldn't fly.

By the seventh day, Alex (accepting her fate) no longer begged for mercy...she simply looked at the family and said: "You know you're killing me, don't you?"

The family pointed out that Alex's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals they had set for her.

With that, Alex, said quietly: "Shut up and open the window," and she leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building. And Alex went to that great lily in the sky.

The family was extremely upset, as their project had failed to meet the single goal they set out to accomplish. Alex had not only failed to learn to fly, she hadn't even learned to steer nor had her productivity improved when told to "Fall smarter, not harder".

The only thing left for the family to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where they had gone wrong.

After much thought, the family smiled and said: "Next time....we're gonna get a smarter frog!" Tiny-town is incapable of change or insight - only expectations for others to make them feel OK.

Rationalization Selflessness Internal Emptiness.

Rationalization is the biggest defense against guilt, shame and self reproach. That is, we make up excuses and surrender our responsibility for our actions.

 

Selflessness, the process of always putting others first before selves. It is another way of avoiding guilt.

 

Internal emptiness is caused by avoiding guilt.

 

Other behaviours that can ensure guilt is either experienced or felt are:

 obsessive/compulsive behaviour(s), fear and anxiety, paranoid thinking, seeking excessive punishment and intellectualization.

 

Shame and Guilt affect the individual whenever he realizes what he is doing and what he is doing is wrong or inappropriate. He feels shame, humiliation and anxiety. This is known as the shame/guilt spiral. To escape these feelings of shame, guilt and self-reproach, people will seek comfort in their favourite form of remedy that they know.

 

The only way to stop the spiral of shame and guilt is to embrace feelings and abstain from the process and the consequences of the process.

This is the Journey of Addiction, Obsession and Compulsion (A.O.C.)

In recovery we have to face powerlessness - that we cannot control. The first step of the twelve step program is accepting that our lives have become unmanageable, that we are powerless.

The paradox of addiction, obsession and  compulsion is what we think we need the most of is really what we need the least of. We think we need to get in control and we try to control the addiction, obsession and  compulsion. The most common recovery for addiction, obsession and  compulsion is another form of the same thing because when we try to control IT and as we do, other forms of A.O.C. tend to break out.

Our tendency in this country is to treat symptoms rather than the issues. People tend to move from one A.O.C. to another, or they control an A.O.C. until it resurfaces (dry drunks is a good example). The ability to control the A.O.C. is often seen as the reason or justification that they aren't caught up in all this. The alcoholic who is able to quit drinking or cut down is not proving that they're not an alcoholic. Why would they need to quit or cut down if they don't have a problem in the first place? Denial and Delusion go hand in hand.

Some of us believe that we're in control, yet we're careening through life with some five year old inner child driving something the size of a bus and not about to let go of the steering wheel ... without any connection between our steering wheels and our front wheels and without any semblance of a destination or a purpose.

This is The Journey of A.O.C.

The hallmark of A.O.C. is loss of Control

And

Its sustaining force is Denial.

Denial isn't necessarily part of the A.O.C.

But it is a part of the expanded impact of the A.O.C. in our lives.

Steinbeck and Dylan In Combination

Steinbeck wrote that there are those who must live in rooms of experience that the rest of us can never enter--perhaps we should quit trying to intrude into these places, and simply learn to guard the door.

Indeed, maybe Dylan put it in best perspective:

I received your letter yesterday,

about the time the doorknob broke;

When you asked how I was doing,

was that some kind of joke?

All these people that you mention,

I know them; they're quite lame.

I had to rearrange their faces

and give them all another name.

But right now, I can't read too good;

don't send me no more letters, no--

Not unless you're mailing them

from Desolation Row.

On Discovering the Truth

Discovering the truth about one's self means the discovery of many truths, many selves. It means turning one's head and becoming another person, another age.

No longer a mother, a father, a teacher...my child's reality is veiled with a mist until the vapor settles on the water and I glimpse a startling reflection of the person I must be, the person I was five minutes ago...five years ago...or was as a child, forever on the road to realization.

For when I fell into a certain spring at four, I emerged wet, saturated with a revelation unrivaled by any Sunday-service baptism: --- I had other selves. And with this rebirth, death made into life, I knew I did not know the mother who comforted me, who coaxed me into dry clothes, who gently hushed away my fearful trembling. And as then, the words, "Mama, mama, mommy," march out of my mouth ever unanswered but by the faint, familiar, metallic taste of grief.

For now...

I await another stranger.

I await myself.

Thirteenth Principle Expanded

The respect of and for your team, your partners (Life and Business) is more important than all the laurels the world can provide.

Don't put limitations on yourself.

Don’t think yourself into a place that stops you before you start.

Stay Away From “I Can’t.”

It doesn’t work all that Well.

Learn to speak your Feelings as they are.

Know this:

Being Nice is Not a Nice Thing to do, especially when you do it to yourself.

Others will put limitations on you.

They will drop their trash, their opinions on you.

Don’t take it personally

And more importantly: don't do it to yourself.

Remember This:

Your best Thinking may not be your best Friend.

Don't bet against you before you start.

Learn to speak up and speak out.

Not your opinions ... your feelings

from the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

I quote from the Velveteen Rabbit...

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" Asked the rabbit.

"Sometimes" said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, " he asked "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once, " said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand...but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

AMBER FLAME SMILES

Amber flame burns clear in the night.

Pain and Strain pushed out of sight.

Caring is lost in history's strange tale,

Life's just the Past made present in detail.

No one sees that Amber flame,

It slowly consumes and leaves only pain.

It smiles!

Neil Douglas – Tubb (1993)

The Mythical Full-Length Mirror Of Self

Each of us, in turn, must go to a place and stand in front of The Mythical Full-Length Mirror Of Self, if we are in fact to heal. It is a place where we come to know and see probably for the first time just how much “stuff” we really carry and how it drags us down and holds us from our future. The one we were intended to have.

To Heal we must own it! And become ready to consider casting it off.

The Process of recovery is described as Uncover, Discover and Discard.

People have to know what they are up against. Where and how we carried it, and how our sense of evil spiritedness, of not being good enough, some times called incubus (from the Latin: evil spirited, devil or demon.  Things, metaphorically mostly, that most of us believe are locked down inside us and run our lives...). It  locks us into our guilt, hurt, pain and shame. How this burden of guilt, hurt, pain and shame serves as the drive engine for the behaviors that we hate about ourselves. Those behaviours we can’t seem to stop doing and the ones that are killing us, the ones, oddly enough that we are trying to give up.

Ashamed and isolated and in the middle of a world,
That is full of people who are ashamed and isolated too,
Just like me and too terrified to admit it.


So now the opportunity sits here before me,
An opportunity both figuratively and literally,
To do something for the first time,
That is constructive,
About the state of my being.

I Think My Life is a Puzzle

I think my life is a puzzle … not a chess game as I once thought … but simply a puzzle.

And I have to wonder aloud at times, “Are there pieces missing” … “is this a deck of 51?”

Thus far in my experience … if I were being honest about things … I have noticed that this puzzle is only partially completed … there really is not enough of it put together yet to really recognize what the message or the picture is … oh I can make out form … and a few things that leads me to believe that I understand … but I suspect that is my ego at work appearing to do something for me that is really beyond me for the moment.

I can’t seem to comprehend it completely … oh I can grasp the idea … I think … but the overall message seems to slide right past me …

Now it seems to be that if I can just get a few of these loose pieces into someplace in the puzzle … actually at this point anyplace is a better place to be … then my life will finally work for me the way I want it too … Round Pegs, Square Holes, Large Mallets?

Then something that I notice begins to bother me to no end … as I begin to notice what the puzzle is saying to me … the puzzle changes … right there before my eyes … it changes and I am back to not understanding … yet again …

“Is this Eternity?”... And ... “Am I rolling rocks uphill forever?”

As I look back on my life’s journey … from age 62 … try it from where ever you are … have a look and write down what you see … I can honestly say that no matter how hard I strived to get to a place call “Having Everything the way I wanted,” I never made it.

On the other hand, I have noticed that during the course of doing life that Everything is Exactly the Way It is Supposed to be but … and this is the big one … Most of it does not agree with me most of the time … But Who Said It Was Supposed to Besides Me?

So again I have to wonder aloud “is it as important that I complete the journey my way and get my prize … the one I think I want or deserve … or is it more important for me to simply begin to do the journey as it unfolds?

There's Many Ways to be a Pioneer

How about some of those unsung heroes of the past. Like that prehistoric gourmet who looked at a lobster and said, "I'm gonna’ eat that." Or the first healer who picked up a knife and said, "Let's operate, boys."

It seems to me that adventures come in all shapes and sizes. Anytime a woman goes to a hairdresser, I think, is on par with Columbus setting off over the horizon for the first time. There is not a clear idea what the result will be. Or, how about any time you fall in love. Talk about not knowing what’s over the next hill.

We live it every day. For God's sake, even getting behind the wheel and backing out of the driveway can be a sublime act of faith, as well as a monumental act of courage. This yearning for adventure must be innate in the human psyche.

Simple Fact of Life

Neurosis is intimately bound up with the problems of our time and it really represents an unsuccessful attempt on the part of the individual to solve a general problem in his/her own personal life.

Neurosis is self-division.

Are The Animals At The Zoo?

This poem is powerful and it won a Lieut/Governor's award in the early 1990"s

Are The Animals At The Zoo?

Pretty dresses, lacy dresses, little black shoes,

Seeing faces, alter spaces,

Now just who is who?

Switching places, trading places

Isn't it nice for you?

Running races, hiding places,

The monster will always get you.

Baby faces, crying faces,

Now what's the matter with you?

Secret places, dirty places

Are the animals at the zoo?

Anger crazes, heartbeat races,

Yes something’s wrong with you!

Horror traces, nasty cases,

You’re very naughty too.

My sweet baby, special baby

Yes, your sister too.

I have got you really got you,

Now what will you do?

Frozen solid numbness crawling,

What can you really do?

Dark and thick, heavy and sick,

Come on, you like it too.

Flying upward, freedoms skyward,

I'm not here with you.

Cursed response, traitors response

There is no escape for you.

Shame spawning, anger dawning,

I really do love you

Some expressing, fear repressing,

Will I ever forgive you?

Turn it inwards, pay the price,

What punishment will do.

Curly locks, coloured socks,

My God, What did I do?

Cutting stares, transparent terrors

You can't see can you?

Watchful eyes, angry eyes,

I don't know what to do

Telling lies, apple pies,

I didn't want it too

Piano keys, I want to please

Tell me what to do.

Chilling night, lonely night,

I'm dark and empty too.

Battle grounds, fearful sounds

Is your flesh crawling too?

Angry striking, love protecting,

I didn't mean to hurt you too,

How I love you, really love you,

There’s no one we can turn to.

Let’s make a deal, it won't be real,

If we forget and wish it not be true.

Misty memories, distant memories,

Just an inner dulling ache.

Dreamless nights, horror nights

How we have paid the price.

Hold your head high, the proud don't cry,

They won't know the reason why,

I believe you, you believe me,

Honest, I don't think they can see.

Life's not fair, why should I care,

What anyone thinks of me.

Trying so hard, wishing so hard

Will I ever be good enough?

Push it down, keep it down,

I really am quite tough,

I really wonder, if in the thunder,

Lie the secrets of life.

Something missing, rain is hissing

Will I ever get it right?

Inner torment, aching torrent,

I really hate this game called life.

Memories flashing, feelings gashing

Is there any end to strife?

Will Prince Charming, quite alarming

Come and make me his wife?

Stupid wishes, there are no kisses

That can remove this twisting knife.

Desperate hoping, ardent wishing,

I just want to enjoy life.

Chaotic days, lonely nights,

I see no end in sight.

Eternal pain, no fucking gain

It seems a hopeless fight.

Constant struggle, learn to juggle,

Should I end it all tonight?

There is no use, ironic universe

Instant return to make it right.

Some how cruel, this constant duel,

and painful came that we call life

Are lessons learned, anything earned?

Or is it all just useless strife?

A-M

Extracted From Romancing Mary Jane

The author Michael Poole passed recently ... and he and I had worked together for a piece of time ... then he wrote about our working together in his book, "Romancing Mary Jane, A Year In The Life of a Failed Marijuana Grower." as follows:

Marijuana is one of those issues that seems never to go away. Just the other day, it was the subject of a radio phone-in show, and I was surprised by the number of complaints about addiction. These calls didn't accord with my own experience or with the science as I understand it, though they did echo my time in psychotherapy. All through my crash and recovery I smoked marijuana occasionally, even though my shrink advised against it. It's a mask, he said. Covers what you want to uncover. Since hearing this show, I've gone back to my notes (I taped every session), not for any therapeutic reason but to review his take on marijuana and addiction.

Finding the right psychotherapist is like buying boots-if the fit isn't right, you're going nowhere together. Neil Tubb was right for me. On my first visit I did most of the talking for more than an hour, then in twenty astounding minutes he showed me my inner workings, as starkly as an oracle spreading goat guts on altar- As I left, he said it would take five to seven years of intense work for me to straighten myself out. The cure, as it turned out, required just nine months of concentrated effort, and I came through my time with Neil convinced that he had, quite literally, saved my life.

I used to enjoy my visits to Neil. He lives-or did then-near the Victoria waterfront, overlooking Juan de Fuca Strait. I'd often find him sitting outside smoking-psychotherapists have addictions too. He's large and rumpled with grey hair and beard, an EX-RCMP narc , though seemingly free of any reefer madness fantasies about marijuana. "I never found that it had much effect on me at all," he told me at our first session. "It sure as hell didn't raise my consciousness. If I'm going to do anything mind-altering, I'd much rather have a belt of rum." But mind-altering, at least with drugs or alcohol, is not a harmless diversion in Neil's view. Toking would only delay my recovery, he said, and if I kept at it long enough it could do me in.

"Because the quality of the high diminishes over time," he warned, "the quantity has to increase- For some people who have a powerful need to repress things, it turns into a boxcar train that keeps getting longer ... because I smoke marijuana, I smoke marijuana, I smoke marijuana. It doesn't give it to me any more, so I smoke marijuana and do alcohol. Marijuana and alcohol. Then I do cocaine, and it just builds."

Neil's point was that as long as patients can hide behind booze or drugs, they'll avoid facing the psychological cause of their ill¬ness. But I was certain that didn't apply to me. My addiction was self-redeeming work, not dope, and I never believed that smoking masked my inner scars. In fact, opening old wounds was not diffi¬cult for me. My collapse had been so complete, so torturous, my ego defenses were knocked flat, and facing even the most fearsome dragons in my psyche was preferable to living with the twin tigers of suicide and insanity. I guess that's why I was able to straighten myself out in a fraction of the time that Neil had predicted. I was ready.

At first I was uneasy about ignoring Neil's warnings, because he was so right about everything else. He knew exactly what ailed me and how to treat it. My family doctor agreed, prescribing Luvox, one of the refinements of Prozac. "You are so steeply in crash mode," Neil said, "nothing can be done until we get you back on the level with this drug so you can function." When the change first hit, after about six days on Luvox, I was filming herons on the Fraser River delta. Preoccupied with what I was doing, I didn't notice at first that I was feeling strangely and wonderfully different. My mood turned optimistic, free of cares and responsibilities, happy. My surroundings-tide pools, eelgrass, the flat calm sea and distant green of the Gulf Islands-all looked abnormally vivid, the colours brighter. I stopped work (it no longer seemed very important) and lay on the beach for the rest of the afternoon, just watching the puffy June clouds drift past. Driving home, I floated serenely through the rush-hour traffic, utterly without the usual frustrations. Over the next few days, as the chemical changes in my brain took hold, this new lightness of being became fixed. I began to sleep better, and my sense of burnout returned. (Carole had been complaining for months that I wasn't much fun any more.) And not only did my crippling depressions vanish; I real¬ized that I had been living for years under a cloud of constant low-grade depression, as if I were seeing the world darkly through an X-ray plate. That, too, was gone.

Although Luvox was truly a wonder drug for me, it dealt only with symptoms, not the causes of my malaise.

On Healing Real and Imagined

EXPERIENCE has taught us that most, if not all, of us are trying to think our way into a new way of living. The truth is that the miracle of change comes in the form of having the courage to do the exact opposite.

Live My Way Into A New Way of Thinking.
Not
Thinking my way into a new way of Living.

But

Live My Way Into A New Way of Thinking.

Exercise (1) It has been my belief since my earliest memory that “I am alone and my world is a dangerous place”. My life seems to affirm this to me daily.

Write about this thought

Exercise (2) I have found that I only can acquire the relief and happiness that I think I want by doing something or getting something.

Write about this thought

Exercise (3) There are times when I feel I am so desperate, lost and alone.

Write about this thought

Exercise(4) I have learned that when my best efforts fail me that I have gathered habits along the way that I can depend on. These habits are creations from outside of me and they are "magical".

Write about this thought

Exercise(5) They take their form as substances, actions or facilities, things that I use daily just to get by on. I know that I can always reach out to them and they can be relied on.

Write about this thought

Exercise (6) It is sad but true that these “magical” chattels are my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions.

Write about this thought

Exercise (7) As I still my thoughts and close my eyes, I begin to realize that I have placed the scant shadow of my faith in a place and on activities that are misbegotten.

Write about this thought

Exercise (8) I am beginning to admit to myself that my beliefs really are not true. The various forms of my beliefs, my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions are devices that have only brought me pain.

Write about this thought

Exercise (9) I am admitting that I have no control over them; in fact I have given them all my power.

Write about this thought

Exercise (10) I also notice that they have no power of their own. They sit there like lifeless forms, shadows or ghosts, awaiting only the wind of my restlessness to stir my soul and scatter them.

Write about this thought

Exercise (11) I admit that I have been insane and I begin to wonder about what may lay before me as I begin my journey toward finding the world of my sanity.

Write about this thought

Experience Has Taught Me

That I am out of control and I know I am not happy.

That my Beliefs have not and cannot make me happy

I know I must find “different” to be happy.

Where will I look?

What will I see?

And who will help me?

Take Some Time Out To Be Silent With Him ...

"We cannot find God in noise or agitation, nature: trees, flowers and grass grow in silence. The stars, the moon and the sun move in silence. What is essential is not what we say but what God tells us and what He tells others through us. In silence He listens to us, in silence He speaks to our souls. Take some time out to be silent with Him."

- Mother Theresa

from her book "No Greater Love"

22 Things .... From ... Understanding "Me" While Being "We"

22 Things

We Need To Understand

And

Accept To Make This Thing Work

1. The only person whose behaviour we have any power over is our own. We may try like hell to change others but the truth of it is We Can't ...

2. All we can give another person is information.

3. All psychological problems are relationship problems. Most easily seen in relationships ... they come out of hiding here. They are very disruptive within the bounds of the relationship ...

4. The problem relationship is always part of our present life.

5. The problem becomes our working definition of normal.

6. The problem is ever present ... affecting everything we do.

7. It is insidious ... it quietly undermines who we think we are ... quietly almost unnoticed.

8. We numb out because of it.

9. We can never seem to have the relationship we want ... Oh yes we know what it looks like ... but we can never get our needs met properly ... We don't know how ...

10. What happened in the past has everything to do with what and how we are today; the problem is we can only satisfy our basic needs in the here and now. Then once that is accomplished we can plan to continue satisfying them in the future.

11. We can't go back and get our needs met. We have to grieve our losses ... in the present ... then come to terms with who and what we are today ... then learn how to met our own needs in a creative fashion ...

12. We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Imagined World.

13. We have to know where to look for the clues and cues on what to do so we can escape the ritual of our past.

14. All we do is “Behave.” This one is so simple yet so hard to see ... all we do is Behave or Not Behave ... Oddly enough Not Behaving is a behaviour too ... smile

15. All Behaviours are complete in and of themselves.

16. All behaviours are made up of four basic components: Acting, Thinking, Feeling and Physiology.

17. We choose our behaviours, but we only have direct control over the Acting and Thinking components.

18. Most Important concept ... we are responsible for what we do, how we do it ... we can claim someone else made us ____________ but in actual fact we chose ...

19. We can only control our Feelings and Physiology indirectly through how we choose to Act and Think.

20. We can actually take responsibility for what we do ... when we do it ...

21. If we can do this then we can break the SPELL John Bradshaw talks about in his book "The Family"(see page 221/222 )...

22. All behaviour is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable.

Part (8) From Understanding Me While Being We

There is a Door and here is one of the keys

Understanding Me While Being We

Habits that Clearly Show Caring

001 Intimacy (Extracted from Terry Kelloggs Broken Toys Broken Dreams)

Intimacy is difficult because we expect it and want it right away. We seek instant intimacy. Sex, the best worst example of instant intimacy, can be the “instant gratification" for intimacy-seeking souls. Sex, courtship and infatuation all contain elements of feeling intimate, but they are not intimacy. Too much, too soon, too fast, too hard can damage the possibilities of intimacy.

Intimacy is the result of a sharing and caring friendship built between people. It is the feeling in a relationship that promotes closeness, ‘bondedness’ and ‘connectedness' without enmeshment. For someone who has spent their life struggling in enmeshed relationships intimacy is difficult to recognize. Intimacy is not the focusing on each other, or having sex or fighting with each other. Rather it is a growing - side by side - facing the same direction, facing the problems life has thrown in the way, sharing the world within and sharing the world without, and most importantly, it is the building of a history of experience, one on top of the other and allowing that sharing to cause or create an awareness - together.

The key word in the whole process is with.

With a sponsor, with a friend, with my spouse, with someone who actually cares for me, not just for who they need me to be, but for who I am, and me returning that thought by caring for them just as they are, and not as I need them to be. Oh yes, there is instant sex, instant relation¬ship, instant hot chocolate, but rarely instant intimacy.

Intimacy comes when we are pointed in a healthy direction, when we have a clear identity of who we think we are and are happy with that thought, when we endeavor to live a life of balance, when we are open to trust, and when we are willing to experience our own pain and fears and ultimately when we know, love and accept self.

002 Being Supporting
I may not necessarily agree with what you are doing but I will support you ... in my actions and in my thoughts.

003 Being Encouraging
When I see you struggling ... I will encourage you to make your journey ... the best teacher in life is life itself ... and most times we just need to go through what we need to so that we can learn the How To's of Life.

004 Being Listening/Listener
When I listen to you or to others I reassure me quietly that I am heard too ... Odd but true ... to be able to listen to my partner work at being who they are and supporting them in their attempt and encouraging them to move forward is important for them but more so for me

005 Being Accepting
Life is full of hiccups and my mistakes allow me to see more clearly where it is that I am going ... there will be times when I encounter situations and people that I am totally in disagreement with ... then I have to move my mind and heart to a place called accepting ... in doing so I may discover that what they are is morally or ethically wrong ... then I can stand my ground with purpose ... but to accept my life being what it is and how it is ... is the secret to my serenity today (AA's Big Book)

006 Being Trusting/Trustworthy
This is totally about real value ... and what is really valuable ... A Course In Miracles (see manual for Teacher’s on page 9) takes some time with this thought ... this is not about I hope he or she will not step on my toes ... this is about how I value you and how I perceive that you value me and how it is that I value me ... this is all about perception and value ... but the point is real value.

007 Demonstrating Respect and Value
In partnering we next naturally come to the need for respect. It follows that if I am in a relationship with you, then I need to respect your choices ... I don’t need to agree with them but I do need to respect them. I don’t need to try and control your choices. One of the undercurrents of saying “I love you.” often is my need for or my attempt to ... control, so I can feel safe in the face of overwhelming knowledge that I am Alone And My World Is A Dangerous Place. In showing respect for you, I allow you to be who you are and I don’t attempt to adjust you to my liking ... the way I need you to be so I can believe that I am safe. So if I am in a place called respect, I respect every belief you have and every choice you make. Again, I may not agree, but I respect ... Why? Because I love you the way you are, not for the way I need you to be. Now to balance off respect spiritually within me, I ... being in Self Love and not narcissism, I have to respect my own life, (wants, wishes, needs and desires) and thus I will not allow you to control how and who I am.

008 Willing to Talk things Through

An open Mind

An open Heart

And a Willingness To Change

To be able to talk things through

To a safe conclusion for Me

To Negotiate

009 An Exercise To Take You Into Your Future

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Lift Me Up?

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Bring Me Down?

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Are Based In Truth?

Which Of Those Beliefs Are Based On Lies?

When I notice there is something out of balance, something that brings me down, something that is a lie or out of line with the Way of Things, then there are two things to do.

First, make up a new rule/belief that encompasses you being uplifted.

Second, then say to yourself or to whoever may be present:

I’m Sorry

Please Forgive Me

I Love You

But the important thing is that you offer this up to your soul first.

Thirteenth Principle

Thirteenth Principle

The respect of your team, your partners (Life and Business) is more important than all the laurels the world can provide.

Don't put limitations on yourself.

Others will do that for you.

Don't do it to yourself.

Don't bet against you before you start.

Fourteenth Principle

Fourteenth Principle

Take Risks

"Failure is not an option"

That statement is not true.

Failure has to be option for life to be rich.

Why?

Simple!

It is in the “leap of faith” that "Risk Taking Entails"

Where Life gains its flavour.

Life and its richness is in the attempting to do what you've never done before.

So failure is an option

But fear is not.

Fifteenth Principle

Fifteenth Principle

Arthur C. Clarke

Formulated the following three "laws" of prediction:

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is probably wrong.

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Forgiveness, Judgement and the Way of Things

One of the more interesting facets of Forgiveness is that it can only function in the present moment. It can be about our past but it can only happen in the here and now.

Judgement on the other hand functions very well in the past and the future ... in fact it has a very difficult time functioning in the present at all. If you look at it clearly you will notice just like me that it is always about something that happened and it seems to want to prevent you from having something in your most immediate future or even further up the time line.

Forgiveness is what I do, not what I think.

Judgement is about how I think and how I look at things, not what I do.

These are two very different places in this universe. My mind can encompass both places. Now comes a slight twist; Judgement is a very necessary part of Forgiveness. Whereas Forgiveness is not necessarily a part of judgement; there is a pecking order here and if you get it backwards you can spend a great deal of time wondering just what the heck is going on. Judgement is a place you have to pass through to get to Forgiveness. Whereas Forgiveness is a place you arrive at ... then do it. Purely Subjective! You can feel it afterwards and most do. It is the release of an enormous amount of energy that had been invested in a protection racket.

To begin to move toward Forgiveness we have to see what happened and how it affected us ... what it took from us ... and what it left us with ... And that process is deeply woven in thought processes and Judgement.

Whereas when we reach Forgiveness, we recover the energy that we invested into protecting us from the afterglow of those events that hurt us deeply. Again we are sorting through thoughts. I like to call them The Ghost of Christmas Past. We think, and think is the key word here, that the pain of these lost memories still has the power to destroy us like they once nearly did.

With Forgiveness, the Ego releases those thoughts and pains of the past and the energy the Ego used to maintain its guardianship over our well being in the present moment. Forgiveness gives us back a clear mind to appreciate our future and now the Ego can invest that energy in the creativity of being us in the present.

All of this is about point of view. It is the difference between objective Judgment and Subjective action. Very powerful! ... but a point of view none the less.

A Codependent Relationships

• Denies the need for the individual to be in a relationship with or have the assistance of … a Higher Power…. A Power Greater Than …

• Is based on self-hate from shame and guilt (repressed more often than not).

• hides this shame and guilt under the guise of love of or for another (attempting to appear as indispensable … there are many variations on a theme around this one).

• Places the answer to ridding ourselves of our shame/guilt outside of our selves. (This is based on the deeper assumption that the Self is not good enough to be a part of … thus broken … and the answer to ridding the Self of life’s pain must be other than where the Self is … outside of the self)

• Assumes that something fundamental is lacking in the Self … being broken as mentioned above … and if the Self could just find that something or someone or someplace then It would be happy … thus co dependents take prisoners … are obsessive and compulsive.

• Affixes expectations for “better” on the others, and the special rela¬tionship so formed … be that with a person or a place or a circumstance … somehow, as if by magic, the relationship will make things better… but the attempt is always self-defeating because it denies the truth of the identity and purpose of the other(s) involved in the special relationship … they can’t be real and maintain the neediness undercurrent of the special relationship … they were created for a purpose by the Higher Power also and there is a strong possibility that their purpose was not just to make your life a better place to be. This is the process of transference and it invalidates the sense of the other person’s rightful place in the universe … they are in fact a part of God and God’s plan too.

• Is based on the scarcity principle, that there is only a limited amount of love to go around (and only insiders or blood relatives count and all the others should be excluded.)

• Becomes the focus of our anger and resentments. Because when the others won’t give us what we know they have … are hiding from us what it is that we need to be happy … we get angry and resent them for hurting us … deliberately.

• Shifts responsibility for our happiness to those others and the supposed special relationship(s). (For example, "If only you were or would be such and such, then I would be happy.")

• And finally, the ego (false or co-dependent self) uses the special rela¬tionship to attack the other(s) by projecting our own shame and guilt onto them but it does this by promising them salvation and happiness and fulfill¬ment.

These factors outlined above seem to be one of the better descriptions of a working definition of co-de¬pendence.

All of these characteristics pointed out above are related in some way to the core issues of co-dependence, issues like denial, control, difficulty trust¬ing, low self-esteem, difficulty handling conflict, and difficulty giving and receiving love.

Lessons Learned From Life’s Experiences

 • Have Empathy For The Source Of Your Pain. Who, What, Where, When and Why. There is the strongest possibility that whatever is causing you pain may be reflecting you back to you.

 • Rational Thought Won't Work. My rationalization is Biased by my experience. That much is true. My Experience influences my best thinking. Again True. And my rational thinking is pre determined by the aftermath of my experience. Therein lay the Bias. So what makes sense to me might not be either sensible or reasonable, the problem is, it makes sense to me. There are times when I am prepared to fight to the death for those beliefs; that doesn’t make any of those beliefs either True or Right. They are just my belief(s) biased by my experience.

• There Is Something At Work Behind All This And That Is Beyond Me And My Self Centeredness And All That I Can Imagine. A Force far greater than me. Can you imagine that. Imagine something you couldn’t possibly imagine.

 • Be Prepared To Re Examine Your Motives And Your Reasons As Well As Your Morals For Doing What You Do. This gets to be interesting when you discover how to use rigorous honesty and apply it to self.

• In Order To Do Your Journey You Will Have To Confront Evil. This is true. It has happened to me several times in my life. It happened at times and in places that one would not necessarily think it would be present but it was. Evil does not have to be coarse. It can be ... but sometimes it is very subtle.

 • Never Say Never. Occam’s Razor underscores this sentiment ... “Pluralitas non est ponenda sine neccesitate” … see reverse side … the Principles of Parsimony. The precursor to the KISS principle.

• You Can't Change Human Nature. The only thing you can change is Your Mind About Human Nature.

 • Human Nature Is The Curriculum Of Life. It Is What You Do With It, That Matters.

 With Time Spent On The Path

There Will Come A Time

When You Can Return To The Starting Gate

And See It For How It Truly Is

For The First Time

“With Eyes Unclouded By Longing.”

Occam's Razor, … the principle is attributed to the mediaeval philosopher and Franciscan priest named William of Ockham (1280/1349). At the core of the Razor it assumes that simpler explanations are inherently “better” than “complicated ones” … is also referred to as the Principle of Parsimony .

The scientific method of hypothesis generation and testing relies heavily on this as a principle of discernment … a powerful tool.

Here are some other interpretations:

•  One should not increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything.
• One should always choose the simplest explanation of a phenomenon, the one that requires the fewest leaps of logic.
• Don't make unnecessarily complicated assumptions.
• Make things as simple as possible - but no simpler .
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid!
• The principle states that one should not make more assumptions than the minimum needed.

 It underlies all scientific modeling, theory building and psychological and sociological reframing.

The Razor admonishes us to choose from a set of otherwise equivalent models, ideas, explanations of and for a given phenomenon, situation or circumstance … choose the simplest explanation or route … the simplest one is often as not … the best one.

In any given model or “pool of information”, Occam's razor helps us to “shave off” those concepts or complications, variables or constructs … “thoughts and beliefs” … that are not really needed to explain the phenomenon or the circumstance … gets rid of the window dressing … the very stuff that we get lost in as we try and solve our problems from our own pool of knowledge and experience.