A Dream in the Desert ... Olive Schreiner (1920)

I saw a desert and I saw a woman coming out of it. And she came to the bank of a dark river; and the bank was steep and high. And on it an old man met her who had a long white beard; and a stick that curled was in his hand, and on it was written Reason. And he asked her what she wanted; and she said, "I am Woman and I am seeking for the Land of Freedom."

And he said, "It is before you."

And she said, "I see nothing before me but a dark flowing river and bank steep and high, and cuttings here and there with heavy sand in them."

And he said, "And beyond that?"

She said, "I see nothing, but sometimes, when I shade my eyes with my hand, I think I see on the further bank trees and hills, and the sun shining on them!"

He said, "That is the Land of Freedom"

She said, "How am I to get there?"

He said, 'There is one way, and one only. Down the banks of Labour and through the water of Suffering. There is no other."

She said, "Is there no bridge?"

He answered, "None."

She said, Is the water deep?"

He said, "Deep."

She said, "Is the door worn?"

He said, "It is. Your foot may slip at any time, and you may be lost."

She said, "Have any crossed already?"

He said, "Some have tried!"

She said, "Is there a track to show where the best fording is?"

He said, "It has to be made."

She shaded her eyes with her hand; and she said, "I will go."

And he said, "You must take off the clothes you wore in the desert: they are dragged down by them who go into the water so clothed." And she threw from her gladly the mantle of Ancient-received opinions she wore, for it was worn full of holes. And she took the girdle from her waist that she had treasured so long, and the moths flew out of it in a cloud. And he said, "Take the shoes of dependence off your feet."

And she stood there naked, but for one white garment that clung close to her.

And he said, "That you may keep. They wear clothes in the Land Freedom. In the water it buoys; it always swims."

And I saw on its breast was written Truth; and it was white; the sun had not often shone on it; the other clothes had covered it up. And he said, "Take this stick; hold it fast. In that day when it slips from your hand you are lost. Put it down before you; feel your way: where it cannot find a bottom do not set your foot"

And she said, "I am ready; let me go."

And he said, "No--but stay; what is that at your breast?"

She was silent.

He said, "Open it, and let me see."

And she opened her garment. And against her breast was a tiny thing, who drink from it, and the yellow curls above his forehead pressed against it; and his knees were drawn up to her, and he held her breast fast his hands.

And Reason said, "Who is he and what is he doing here?"

And she said, "See his little wings . . "

And Reason said, "Put him down."

And she said, "He is asleep, and he is drinking! I will carry him to the Land of Freedom. He has been a child so long, so long, I have carried him. In the Land of Freedom he will be a man. We will walk together there, and his great white wings will overshadow me. He has lisped one word only to me in the desert -- "Passion!" I have dreamed he might learn to say 'friendship' in that land."

And Reason said, "Put him down!"

And she said, "I will carry him so-with one arm, and with the other I fight the water."

He said, "Lay him down on the ground. When you are in the water you forget to fight, you will think only of him. Lay him down." He said, "He will not die. When he finds you have left him alone he will open his wings and fly. He will be in the Land of Freedom before you. Those who reach the Land of Freedom, the first hand they see stretching down the bank to them shall be Love's. He will be a man then, not a child.

At your breast he cannot move; put him down that he may grow."

And she took her bosom from his mouth, and he bit her so that the blood ran down onto the ground. And she laid him down on the earth; she covered her wound. And she bent and stroked his wings. And I saw the hair on her forehead turned white as snow, and she had changed from youth to age.

And she stood far off on the bank of the river. And she said, "For what do I go to this far land which no one has ever reached? Oh, I am alone! I am utterly alone!"

And Reason, that old man, said to her, "Silence! What do you hear?"

And she listened intently, and she said, "I hear a sound of feet, a thousand times ten thousand and thousands of thousands, and they beat this way!"

He said, "They are the feet of those that shall follow you. Lead on! Make a track to the water's edge! Where you stand now, the ground shall be beaten flat by ten thousand times ten thousand feet." And he said, "Have you seen the locusts how they cross a stream? First one comes down to the water's edge, and it is swept away, and then another comes and then another, and then another and at last with their bodies piled up a bridge is built and the rest pass over."

She said, "And of those that come first, some are swept away, and are heard of no more; their bodies do not even build the bridge?"

"And are swept away, and are heard of no more -- and what of that?" he said. "And what of that . . . " she said.

"They make a track to the water's edge"

"They make a track to the waters edge . . . " And she said, "Over that bridge which shall be built with our bodies, who will pass?"

He said, 'the entire human race."

And the woman grasped her staff.

And I saw her turn down that dark path to the river . . .

And I dreamed a dream.

I dreamed I saw a land. And on the hills walked brave women and brave men, hand in hand. And the looked into each other's eyes, and they were not afraid. And I saw the women also hold each other's hands. And I said to him beside me, "What place is this?"

And he said, "This is heaven."

And I said, "Where is it?"

And he answered, "On earth."

And I said, "When shall these things be?"

And he answered, "In the Future."

Note from a friend

This is an excerpt from the book, "Lost in the land of Oz," (or something to that effect.) The book includes this story, by Olive Schreiner, who wrote it in the 1920's. (So I should be OK re: copyright, eh?)

When I read earlier messages from Neil, I was reminded what it was like for me as the wife of an alcoholic. My (now ex-) husband told me that I was the problem, that I should get help. Essentially, "Get thee to a counselor!" So, to be compliant (nothing more) with his wishes, I decided to go ONE time.

After the relief of truly being heard during that session, I asked if the therapist had any more openings that day! I saw her for 3 1/2 years, then the therapist from hell for 6 years, and have seen that same original therapist again now for.... 5 years almost? I think. I have lost count.

Anyway, I am still coming to terms with the many ways in which, yes, I have a problem. But my therapist shared this story with me, and it resonates on so many levels that I wanted to share it with you.

---

Cosmic Consciousness Is A Place In Our Beingness

Cosmic Consciousness is a place in our beingness; a state of our consciousness where we come into spacious contact and awareness with all that is.

It is a place we are all destined to arrive at theoretically.

Dr Richard Maurice Bucke one of the first people to take the time to observe this phenomenon and its after effects describes it as: “A consciousness of the cosmos, knowing the life and order of the universe. It is considered a higher, yet, at present, a rare and exceptional peak in human evolution which the race is expected to reach in a distant future.”

Those of us who get there seemly get there by stumbling upon it. There are many who purport that they know how to get there, but really it is the hunt and peck system coupled with a lot of good luck that gets most people there. Then when we get there, we really have no idea what to do with it when we get there. This stumbling upon happens as we work on ourselves in the various modes of recovery. Then, sometimes, it happens.

There are those who have taken the time to notice, Bucke and Maslow and others noticed that there are prerequisites that need to be met before one can trip into this place in our consciousness. Going into this place in our consciousness is a result of our experience and our coming to know and understand ourselves at the deepest levels possible; then and only then will the door open to that place. The very process of recovery lays down the basic ground rules for meeting all the prerequisites for the door to open.

Bucke writes that we have to be “at the top of the layer of the world of self consciousness,” or put another way, we have to know ourselves inside and out and then be prepared to be perfectly honest about who we are and how we got to where we are, so we can heal.

The inner workings of any of the forms of recovery/spiritual movement are all about coming to terms with “Know Thy Self.”

I am That I Am

In My Heart I am Free

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

Most would say that Good is a positive. It is something to be looked forward to, it really does no harm, or so we think. It is something that we like. It lifts us up at times, makes us feel good or feel secure and gives us a sense of safety.

The Bad and the Ugly are things or situations etc that cost us or cause us pain. They take something away from us; they don’t allow us to have what we want or what we are entitled to or for that matter how we want it or where we want it.

The Bad and the Ugly stands between me and Good, or so I think.

All of this is very subjective, very experiential.

Now here is the question: how confident are you with your abilities to be able to discern what is indeed Good For You and conversely what falls under the umbrella of The Bad, The Ugly, or Evil ...?

What Are Your Experiences Struggling With This ...?

Cosmic Consciousness

A consciousness of the cosmos, knowing the life and order of the universe. It is considered a higher, yet, at present, a rare and exceptional peak in human evolution which the race is expected to reach in a distant future.

"The definitive book on the subject is considered to be 'Cosmic Consciousness', by Dr. Richard Maurice Bucke, published in 1901. Still in print today, this book has become a classic of mysticism, exerting worldwide influence nearly a century after his death. It is a truly unique book which looks at mystical experience from the point of view of psychology.

"Bucke created his own psychology to cover what he saw as all the states of consciousness that are possible from the perceptual consciousness of lower animals to the illumined cosmic consciousness of the religious sage or mystic. He did not live to see this book's success, and it has still not yet made its impact on psychology or psychiatry, Bucke's disciplines, because of the extreme materialistic turn of these two subjects in the twentieth century. Psychology and its sister, psychiatry, have hardly begun to assimilate the archetypal psychology of Carl Gustav Jung, let alone the spiritual psychology of Richard Maurice Bucke. Bucke's psychology is a whole domain of consciousness deeper than Jung's (although it skips over many facts that Jung brought out), and leaves Freud far behind, even though Bucke lived and died before the time of Freud or Jung. Dr. Bucke was a century ahead of his time.

"This volume was the logical sequel to his earlier books. In it Bucke posited a third type of consciousness among humans. There is, first, the simple consciousness of existence and, second, a higher level of self-consciousness. Bucke added a third and profoundly higher level, 'cosmic consciousness', which he believed to have been attained by only a few dozen individuals by 1901. These include Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Dante, Whitman, Francis Bacon, Blake, as well as Bucke himself. He believed that the occurrence of this special form of consciousness was increasing and attainable, eventually, by all. Whether this may turn out to be the case, only the future can tell.

Fool’s Gold

The real and only underlying flaw in life is that nearly all of us don’t believe we are good; that we don’t have value.

That statement is a truth as far as we are concern. We actually believe deeply that we don’t have value.

The problem is that statement, that mind set, is the furthest thing from the truth. It was learned when we were very young and now we hang on to it as if it were gold. It identifies me to me.

What is it that I will have to do to give up this false belief?

Fool’s Gold

Trust is about value

Life is about what I really value

The difference between those two places

Is something we have to learn

And then put them in their proper order in our lives

Unraveling Co-dependent Relationships

Once you understand that the causes of co-dependency originate in relationship dy¬namics that never got completed, you can begin to see how those dynamics recycle in present relationships, be that marriage or inter social or vocational.

The completion of your psychological birth process is the dynamic that is pressing for recognition all the time in co-dependent relationships.

It is or they are the ghosts of sensations that are ever present and nearly not noticed. It is or they are what drives us to do what it is that we do while we are busy thinking I Had Choice. It is our feelings having us and not us having our feelings.

When you learn to recognize what you left undone or did not have the opportunity to complete, then, with additional support of safe significant others and new skills such as reframing and not over generalizing just to mention a few, you can consciously finish the process that should have gone to completion years ago. With some effort I might add. It is work.

Identifying

The next step is to identify the co-dependent patterns. The following are some of the key indicators of a co-dependent relationship:

Even though you. have lots of objective evidence that the relationship as it stands is not good for you, you take no steps to change it or break the co-dependent patterns.

You find yourself making excuses for you or your partner that are designed to hide the truth from others.

When you think about changing or leaving the relationship, you feel afraid and cling to it even harder.

When you take some beginning steps to change the relation¬ship, you suffer acute anxiety and physical symptoms that can only be relieved by reestablishing the old co-dependent patterns.

When you do begin to make changes, you experience an in¬tense longing for the old patterns, or you feel scared, all alone or empty.

The main characteristics of co-dependent people are as fol¬lows.

What CO-DEPENDENTS like to do :

Use an external frame of reference. Co-dependents focus all of their attention on what their partner is doing or not doing.

Use the relationship the way someone might use alcohol or drugs. They are addicted to another person and believe they can't function independently of that person or without the relationship they have with that person.

Cannot define their psychological boundaries. Co-depen¬dents don't know where they end and others begin. They tend to take on the problems of others as their own.

Try always to make a good impression on others. This is a way in which co-dependent people try to control the percep¬tions of others. They are people-pleasers.

Do not trust their own ideas, perceptions, feelings or beliefs. Co-dependents will defer to the opinions of others and not stand by their own ideas and opinions.

Try to make themselves indispensable to others. Co-depen¬dents will knock themselves out to take care of things for others that these people could actually do for themselves.

Play martyr. They learn to suffer but do it gallantly. They will put up with intolerable situations because they think they have to.

Are skilled at controlling others. They try to control everything but usually fail because it is an impossible task.

Are out of touch with their true feelings. They distort their feelings and only express them when they can feel justified to do so.

Are gullible. Because co-dependents are not in touch with their feelings, they lack discernment. They are bad judges of character and only see what they want to see.

Lose contact with their spiritual self. They are often cut off from the spiritual side of life.

Are fearful, rigid and judgmental. Black and white thinking dominates the lives of co-dependents.

Cosmic Rule Number One: Ego verse Spirit

Every one of us has to give up deciding what is good or evil on our own terms ... that maybe sound ridiculous in the nth degree ... but it is because our ego is not the guiding light in all this. It wants to be, but it is not. It’s Spirit that is the guiding light and the Ego is in the way.

When we were very young our initial experiences with life were difficult ... that much is true. At that point in life every one of us related to that difficulty as it being painful. Again true! Basically because it was, but from the child’s magical way of looking, this pain or painfulness is understood as a death threat; something to be escaped from; it does not mean that it was a death threat, but from the child’s perception of it, it was.

Once there and established as a mindset, difficult/painful/death threat as a unit, then in the perception of all, the afterglow of the death threat attaches to anything that seems to be painful without any idea of the covert issues that are attaching to the present moment. These issues are really from our deep past of the painfulness from childhood. The intensity of the experience in the here and now is often coloured by the volume and the intensity of the childhood experience buried deep in our psyche. Thus the covert undercurrent relentlessly brings us to an irrational place in our consciousness that is embodied in fear ... “fear of pain” ... and that pain equates to perception of imagined death. Basically, scary as hell for no apparent reason other then what is present before us in the here and now. None of this is rational thinking but as this sense of fear intensifies and gains momentum, the symbiotic feedback loop repeats itself as our imagination, begins to take off and analyses what we think is happening and what we can do about it. As we try and rationalize our feelings away, we create a perfect little hell of our own making.

How Can We Avoid The Undercurrent Of The Covert Issue Of Death?

What happened when we were young was that we trusted what we did to combat those terrible feelings of isolation, fear and death. We learned self reliance. The problem with self reliance is that it was learned from the child’s perspective as a measure of self preservation. The problem is that from our prospective it seemed to work. We’re here aren’t we? Maybe, not worked very well, because as adults we are muddling our way through trying to have a life we know that we should be able to have but at the same time not getting what we need or want. We have placed our faith in how we did it then and do things now. It becomes a cybernetic feedback loop, a returning cycle; it becomes our way of doing things. We have to know what is best from our own point of view. We carry on repeating the same old patterns and getting the same old results.

Most, even the seemingly most religious of us, really don’t have the concept of how to place our faith in Spirit. Now if you are paying close attention to this thing called Life, the entire exercise of life is really about learning how to do just that; place our faith in something we have little or no experience with, then carrying on into the unknown.

Did you know that it is impossible to be afraid of the unknown? The only things we can fear are those things that we have experience with and then imagine about and then project those imaginings forward into our unknown, our future ... and that can make our life a very scary place to be.

In a 12 step program, the steps direct our attention to examining all the aforementioned; in Steps 2 and then Step 3; in Step 2. It is all about how we can’t do it ourselves and that something far greater than “me” ... “WE” ... can restore me to sanity.

Once experience is gained here in the appreciation and understanding of Step 2, that lays the foundation for Spirit, because Step 3 is where we decide to play with spirit as we understand ... it, him or her ... God.

A new way of doing things ... having a healthy dependency on Spirit.

Imagine that!

On Being Special

True Confessions of A Therapist

Or

Observations and Conversations on the Passage of Time,

With Me, Myself and God

I would like to begin this journal by telling you a bit about myself. I would like to tell you just how circuitous the journey of me finding me was for me. Just how tricky it was to begin to believe that I was actually having a life and not lost in one. (BTW once found, know this nothing is resolved, it has only just begun.)

It begins with me coming to a place of understanding that, just like everyone else who has arrived here on the face of this planet, upon arrival, I was instantly endowed with a survival suit. A body, to live in and work with for the duration of my stay on the planet.

The survival suit seems to be a requirement to be here.

This survival suit/body comes equipped with many interesting devices and processes but one of the most interesting is that it allows us to perform two major functions.

1. One, operate the survival suit.
2. Two, thinks about things.

The latter was the part that was dangerous for me.

Thinking About Things, That Is

Because, over time, as I thought about it, I came to a place where I firmly believed that this is what I did best. Thought about things.

Now that does not mean that I did this ‘thinking about things’ best, it just means that I firmly believed that I did. And believe me there is a difference. Of course, with the process of thinking about things, naturally came the notion that I understood what it was that I thought I thought about.

You see the problem, don’t you?

It’s actually scary when you frame it like that.

Well, it follows naturally, that as these two aspects of my life’s predicament settled in upon me, that is, me operating the survival suit in a hostile environment and me thinking about it. As these two aspects coupled with my analysis of the my thoughts, more thinking about things, all began to weigh down upon my shoulders. So, to lighten the load, I began to make conclusions about my life and about those significant others in my life and me as I related to them and their circumstances. One of the more profound insights of supposed understanding was; “I AM” the survival suit. After all what other conclusion would you come to if you had forgotten from ‘whence you came’?

Actually, what I came to understand after a very protracted period of time thinking about it, was that I was just in my survival suit. (Oh yes, nearly forgot and nearly left that out didn’t I, from ‘whence we came’! . . . Now there is something to think about . . . really! You can sort of get lost in that one without trying too hard, if you think about it!)

 Remember:

Think Think Think

Means

After three thinks quit;

You can only hurt yourself after that.

Subtle Difference In Words Worlds Apart In Process.

I have also found out through my intermingling with some of the rest of humanity observations on life that most others don’t know that they are just in their survival suits too. They don’t know this as a ‘truth’. They may know it as a fact but not a truth. There is a difference. I do think that most suspect this is true but prefer to ignore it or if they do know this to be true then they sure as hell don’t want to have a damned thing to do with the idea. They, like me, for the longest time, were or are more then happy basking in the bliss of ‘playful ignorance’. It seemed safer that way, not nearly as hostile, somehow. So, it naturally followed that they would much rather be who they thought they were, then who they really are. And of course there are various levels of support that are necessary for me to believe that I am who I think I am. This generally involved me believing you were who you thought you were and you returning the compliment of believing I was who I thought I was, thus we could pretend to be who we thought we were  together. Together is the key word because the problem was I couldn’t do that alone. This is often mistakenly called friendship or relationship. Actually one of my predominate variations on a theme was that I thought I was a therapist and I needed you to need me or I didn’t like you, if the truth were known. That way, things would appear to be safer and easier to understand at least for the moment. It also served me well because as long as I could focus on you I could avoid me. Any bells ring for anyone here! They did for me.

I believe the next key word here is ‘appear’ because like me, most put the term ‘I hope’ in front of most everything they did. I know I did. Sort of like blind faith hoping that the right thing . . . what ever that was . . . would happen and we could make safely on and into what ever is next.

The Joys of Conditional Prayer

‘I hope’ became the codicil phrase for a deeper belief structure that haunted me for most of my life. I went through life for the longest time with variations on a theme of this codicil hanging off of me or being offered up as my daily mantra. “I hope that” or “I prayer that” . . . this will happen or not happen or I could have or not have.

Remember, that after the ‘hope that or prayer that’ part, just fill in the blank(s) with whatever it is that you want to have appear in front of you or whatever it is that you would like have disappear from in front of you.

Translated This Means

“Dear God please give me  a sign and finally prove once and for all that I am special.” . . . But here is the kicker, “Not in your eyes oh Lord but in mine”. There is something backward in that request and it took me years to come up on it and understand that Ready, Fire, Aim was not necessarily the way to do it, but . . .

‘Dear Lord Prove To Me

Once And For All

That I Am Special’.

Well, here is the proof . . . You’re here and you’re having this experience. You’re right in the middle of it. Without the specialness of the creation, you would not be here and neither would any of this, but here you are, right smack in the middle, and having a problem with it all at the same time, and here is here for you to be here in. So, if you want to get particular about it and give it a few thoughts, you may want to notice that there is a ‘here’ to be in. What a gift! Even though most don’t notice it as that.

Simple, isn’t it, if only you’d notice!

So If You Really Want To Think

About Proving Specialness Try This.

Try combining the thought of: all this reality that we are a part of, together with the thought, that if it wasn’t here to be part of or to be here in, then we would not be here trying to get what it is that it seems we can’t get from whoever or whatever it is that we are trying to get it from.

Phew . . . Now there is one to think about.

There really is no other proof when you stop and think about no matter how I try. So the job at hand seems to be that I have to accept me as me and me as being in the midst of something I did not create.

Really quite simple if you stop and think about it. All things-being fair.

What Can I Do Differently To Make My Life A Better Place To Be?

When an individual chooses independence over interdependence and relationship(s) that person becomes a danger or a threat to everyone around them. Especially to those who are within this individual’s range of affect.

Those that are close by ... within the range of affect ... will object at being manipulated or managed by the independent soul. Independence is a defensive posture one develops to protect them from a world they thought would destroy them. It is a given that Authority is the natural extrapolation of this independence posture and is just another way of saying Might Makes Right. Authority is the excuse used by those who think they are strong to control the weak. With the business of Interdependence comes the nature of Respect. They go hand in hand. It can’t work any other way. Interdependence cannot exist without Respect but Respect can exist without Interdependence: 1) Most of us Respect the system we all work within even if we all don’t acknowledge it. 2) In our system the value “of” the individual is weighed against the value “to” the system or better said, “what can he or she do ... what can they contribute” and not “who they are.” 3) Thus, many if not all of us, are in some way sacrificed in some form to the greater good of the system of all concerned. 4) When in fact it should be exactly the other way around.

This inversion/reversal of reality gives advantage to those who appear to be stronger and this is what lays behind every struggle humanity has had with itself since time began ... The Truth of the Matter is ... “Who I am,” is far more important than “what I can do ...” Hold on to that thought for a week or two ... repeat it to yourself several times a day ... pray about it if you like and if you are going to take the time to pray look for and expect an answer ... or meditate on it ... write about it ... Then notice just how you ... yourself ... are caught up in this inner subterfuge ... either as a willing or unwilling participant ... Here is the question you ask yourself and the universe.

What Can I Do Differently To Make My Life A Better Place To Be? A Place Where I am No Longer Slave To A System I Never Created But I Have Enabled?

Thought For The Week

Spirit Without Science is Blind

But

Science Without Spirit is Lame.

Taken and adapted from Albert Enstein

Willing To Be Free

If you are willing to be free, then the Pattern you are living and working in conjunction with a Higher Power, will reveal freedom to you.

IT may come in strange ways from places you would least expect it, but it will be shown to you.

IT will be yours to act on and you will know what to do and how to do IT, probably even where to do IT; when to do IT is always left up to you. You may not like what is revealed, but there IT will be, staring back at you, waiting for you to do something with IT.

An imprisoning idea is any idea that inhibits your enjoyment of your abundance and or the expression of your creativity or the full experience of God's joy.

Your abundance, or the expression of your creativity, or the full experience of God’s joy, may seem different, but their effect is the same.


taken from Into the Light ...

Metaphor 3

So here I stand at a junction in my mind with my soul in hand, or so it seems. Many confusing and contradicting messages seem to be presenting themselves and I feel confused. Now through this fog of imagery there is a sense to one particular way. It is not marked by anything in particular, and actually it feels just a little scary to even consider going down that road but there is a sense of something that wafts down this way of doing things that is definitely different. If peace and good order have a smell about them, then it is here.

I look to my left and see many other opportunities I could venture out into, some very familiar, heck, I could walk through some of them with my eyes shut. In fact, I see many of the old gang beckoning too me to join them in the old ways. I feel my heart strings tug on this one. I look down this old and familiar road and I can see pain and despair hiding in the ditches just waiting to jump out at me. I see me depending on me, and my “magic friends” to gain relief from the attacks. I now know that the relief I will feel is only temporary. As I see my old friends I have to ask myself who is my friend and who is my enemy, really? Who has the false faces on today? I notice my life is littered with the castoffs of my efforts to avoid my legitimate hurt and pain.

I want ‘different’. That path way to the unfamiliar looks different. I notice others up ahead. They seem to be walking with a spring in their step, they seem to be walking toward a place called ‘different’. They are whom I want to join. We all carry heavy packsacks with us, and some of us have yokes about our necks too but I notice that their steps are light and the look upon their faces is peaceful. A sense of renewal comes upon me.

The old gang raises hell and bangs their pots and pans. They really don’t want me to go. They shout promises, and falsehoods and even try bribery, offering all sorts of freedom and wonderful experiences if only I would stay. It is tempting but I don’t hear the ring of quality in their voices, I remember what I have learned in the first two steps, in fact if I am honest with me I have to notice that the ring of quality it was never really there ever. I choose the road of unfamiliar and different.

Those greet me who have gone on before. The warmth and presence deep within grows deeper and richer. Gratitude becomes my experience not my lip service. I experience not being alone. I experience the presence of my Higher Power acting with me as I go through my day, as I walk upon my path.

. . . Experience Has Taught Me That . . .

There is a power great than me, and I can have it in my life but only if I ask and only if I surrender into it. Then it will heal all in my life that needs to be healed, including me.

Metaphor 2

Over and over, I have followed my own advice on what I think I should do and how I think I should do it and each time it came up the same, I have failed.

There are times when the desperation inside of me becomes so overwhelming; I don’t think I can go on another moment.

But as I quiet my mind and close my eyes I notice, for the first time in years, that there is a part of me that remembers the truth of whom I am. It speaks to me in a voice that is neither male nor female and reassures that all is not for naught.

Imagine that, from deep inside me, a Voice of sanity, reassurance, comfort and truth. This is a voice that I recall from my childhood, soft and certain, it reminds me of my Maker and It tells me I am part of all that is. One with! I am part of the plan too and I belong, no longer left out.

"No Child of God, can be less than perfect."

There is warmth and a comfort that comes over me as I sense this presence deep within me. Oh, it is hard to discern at first, but each time I acknowledge it to be alive and well within me, I feel it grow and become more pronounced and defined, and more a part of my life.

I feel the pieces of me beginning to come home from their hiding places and take their rightful place within me.

The missing parts of me are beginning to fall into place, as if some giant hand is now beginning to put me, the jigsaw puzzle, back together again.

. . . Experience Has Taught Me That . . .

I know that I have many avenues open to me and it really is a simple decision.

A or B

Choose the new and unfamiliar, take the risks and begin to experiment with something that I have discovered within me, something totally new and unfamiliar or

Do it the old way and take one more step towards death.

Which will I choose.

I Had New Shoes… KML

I had new shoes. Not brand new, but fairly new. I had worn them a few times and thought they were worn in enough to wear to work. They weren’t. It takes me 30 minutes to walk to work and by the time I arrived I had a blister on my foot. Since I spend most of my day sitting in front of a computer, the blister didn’t bother me much. But each time I walked through the office I wondered if I should find a bandage. It was a busy day and by the time I left work at the end of the day there was still no bandage.

About a block from the office I was in real pain. I thought about catching a bus, but it was one of those crisp, clear winter days, and I was so looking forward to the walk home after being cooped up inside all day. I decided to forge on. I could take it easy, slow down, hell, maybe even take advantage of the opportunity to go the scenic route. So I changed direction and hobbled on, and hobble I did. The pain was searing.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take another step, I turned the corner and there in front of me lay the harbour with the sun setting behind the hotels that line its edge. I was at once engulfed by the beauty of the sight. The colours, light, architecture and water created a scene that was overwhelming and tears filled my eyes. I felt as if I had stepped inside a painting and had suddenly become part of it. In relation to the magnificence I was seeing, the pain in my foot seemed so insignificant that I was able to walk on.

I was surrounded by beauty and at the same time a part of it — and I knew there was nothing else but beauty. And I knew this as fact — as truth. I knew that what I was seeing was life as it should be seen – life as it truly is: colour, light, radiance — a spectacular world that was more than just three dimensions. I felt its intensity with every fiber of my being. I drank it in and I poured myself into it at the same time.

When I reached the edge of the harbour the sun disappeared behind the buildings and I felt a slight sinking. The light was fading and so was the intensity with which I was viewing the world. At that moment I had the urge to turn my head and look up in the opposite direction. There in the air just above me was a blue heron, gliding past in complete silence. I was again overwhelmed and began sobbing at the beauty, the magnificence that was God. I quickly looked around and realized that no one else had seen the bird there in the dim light of sunset. To me his silent flight had been a message from God, and when I looked in the direction he had flown, he was gone.

I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing so I didn’t try. I wondered what people thought as I walked past them sobbing. They couldn’t know that I was seeing God and he was seeing me and that we were one.

As I continued to walk the light gradually dimmed and as it did the feelings subsided. What had at first seemed like a picture had become my reality, and now what I saw seemed like a black & white photograph: two dimensional and without colour. I felt strange at the flatness of it and desperate at the loss of radiance. A depression swept over me as I returned to my “reality.” How could I get that feeling back? Where had it gone? Where was that world I had just visited? How could I get back to it? I have glimpsed that world more than once since, but just for a moment each time before something inside me closed the door to it. But I know it is there.

Read this every day ... then write about where it takes you

I fell from the sky.

It was an accident.

The horses and the men were raiding the village.

They took most of the children and some of the women.

I was scooped up in the confusion.

But I was not one of them.

I fell from the sky.

Ask yourself whether you are happy?

Then notice that when you do, you cease to be so ... The Laws of Paradox at work!

A long time ago long before I ever considered writing these lines, I made an interesting discovery. At the time it was more of an observation then discovery. It took all the intervening time for me to realize I had made a discovery, I suppose it was the slowest epiphany on record. What I also discovered was that most people in some way shape or form have been aware of it since the dawn of time. Yet, I think the word discovery is appropriate, because even though well known, I had never come across it described or theoretically explained by the relevant branch of higher learning, which in my case happens to be psychology.

So, directly and indirectly I spent the intervening 20 or so years, nearly a quarter century, investigating this elusive phenomenon, directly or indirectly in my practice of psychotherapy.

What I had noticed a long time ago was that happiness is not something that happens at random fault.

This thing has form and it follows rules and they seem to be:

o Happiness does not happen because of good luck or because the fickle finger of fate picks you out for some grand event. No one is special.

o Happiness is not something that can be purchased nor can it be controlled or for that matter caused to occur on command by some grand authority.

o Happiness particularly does not depend on the world about us, although conversely the world about us can affect some of the various outcomes of it.

o Happiness seems to be more an interpretation of the world both about us and within us, all taken in some sort of strange mix or recipe that is constantly changing and is difficult to replicate.

o Happiness, in fact, seems to be a condition that we must be prepared for, that we must cultivate, and then be prepared, if necessary to de¬fend, but not from a place of unity but rather from a place of deep privacyas an individual.

o It also seems that people who learn to work with inner experience(s) will in fact be able to determine the quality of their lives as it relates to having or not having happiness, which, it seems is as close as any of us can come to being happy.

o It also seems a given that we cannot reach happiness by consciously searching for it. The very effort of trying to search for it seems to defeat our every effort to have or possess it.

o Happiness cannot be owned; it can only be experienced.

o Happiness seems to be the process of being fully involved with every detail of your life, subjectively not objectively.

o The key statement in describing the process of being involved in life seems to be as completely as possible, and completely as possible does not seem to depend on any opinion or definition of what is good or bad or how those cognitive markers are held in the mind of the beholder. Just because you are prepared to fight to the death for your beliefs doesn’t mean they are true.

o Happiness seems to occur because of the intensity of the involvement with life and not in the outcomes that intensity seems to want to provide so that it could be easily seen and judged by others.

o Degree of intensity of the involvement necessary to induce happiness will vary from individual to individual as well as situation-to-situation. Thus it follows that degrees of intensity i.e. very intense to mildly intense is not a marker that can determine the outcome of creating happiness. It is just a necessary factor that varies from time to time.

o The Laws Of Paradox seems to effect the outcome of having some or not; for instance: don't aim for it because the Laws Of Paradox will tend to cause you to increase the size and shape of the target you have set for yourself and then at the same time cause you to miss with greater frequency. Something like Chinese handcuffs, the harder you try the more difficult it becomes.

o Happiness and success cannot be pursued for their own sake.

o Happiness and success, to be most effective must sneak up from behind and envelop us ... It is something that happens to us while we are busy doing something else … as the inadvertent, unintentional after-effect of our efforts to simply get on with the business of being ourselves and by doing whatever is next simply because it is there and needs to be done. Then this seems to need to be taken into consideration with the effort made by the individual to be willing to work in the shadow of his or her spiritual self and then deliberately attempting to work with the spiritual forces of the Greater Way of Things.

o Again paradox. The Art of Trying Not to Try.

So how can we reach this elusive goal that cannot be attained by a direct route? My practice and practices of the past 20 or so years has convinced me that there is a way.

It is a circuitous path of going nowhere the long way in search of someone who was not lost and there all along … you, and it can only begin with a willingness by the participant to want to make the journey.

The Metaphor Part One

It has been my belief since my earliest memory that “I am alone and my world is a dangerous place”. My life seems to affirm this to me daily. I have found that I only can acquire the relief and happiness that I think I want by doing something or getting something. There are times when I feel I am so desperate, lost and alone.


I have learned that when my best efforts fail me that I have gathered habits along the way that I can depend on. These habits are creations from outside of me and they are "magical". They take their form as substances, actions or facilities, things that I use daily just to get by on. I know that I can always reach out to them and they can be relied on. It is sad but true that these “magical” chattels are my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions.

As I still my thoughts and close my eyes, I begin to realize that I have placed the scant shadow of my faith in a place and on activities that are misbegotten.

I am beginning to admit to myself that my beliefs really are not true. The various forms of my beliefs, my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions are devices that have only brought me pain.

I am admitting that I have no control over them, in fact I have given them all my power.

I also notice that they have no power of their own. They sit there like lifeless forms, shadows or ghosts, awaiting only the wind of my restlessness to stir my soul and scatter them.

I admit that I have been insane and I begin to wonder about what may lay before me as I begin my journey toward finding the world of my sanity.

. . .Experience has Taught Me. . .

That I am out of control and I know I am not happy.

That my Beliefs have not and can not make me happy.

I know I must find “different” to be happy.

Where will I look?

What will I see?

And who will help me?

The Metaphor A Workshop

Course Description

Cost $365/weekend Friday 7pm/9pm Saturday/9:30 am/4:30pm Sunday 10:00am/4:oo pm Visa/Master Card/American Express/ Bank Cards are accepted ... contact neiltubb@shaw.ca for further details

There is a truth that needs to be understood for life to be seen as it was intended to be seen. All life is sacred. All life is God’s Gift. One of the basic natural consequences of this simple truth is: we are all sacred too ... Most of us have to learn this. It is God’s Gift that we are sacred, but it is not God’s Gift that we know this for ourselves. The journey of spiritual awareness is the passage from immature to mature for the soul and it is in this process where we come to understand that God’s Gift is a fact for us.

On Being Who We Were Meant To Be.

That is life’s task.

We all have the stories of our past, and they can help guide us on our journey. There is far more to be learned in those stories than what we might have expected.

We all have a curriculum to follow. It is an independent, individual curriculum. It is a curriculum for the soul not the personality. The personality is the curriculum and it is tailored perfectly to your soul’s need.

We medicate ourselves, we do processes, and we hope that they will keep us connected to the Way of Things. These processes don’t awaken us, but what they can do is help us be awake and safe (to a certain degree) so we can get on with the spiritual journey when we are ready.

For the deeper agendas to awaken the maturation process, we need to tell our stories over and over again ... and at the same time find different ways of looking at what happened to us.

The Concept of: I am the Diamond. In the telling of the tale sometimes over and over again, the deeper message(s) can slowly seep to the surface. The Concept of: I am the Diamond ... I have hundreds if not thousands of facets, ways to see out into my world and I choose to use but a few. And those few that I do use are chosen by me as a direct result of and limited by my early life experience(s).

Primary Focus on the Weekend:

• The Concept Of: I Am The Diamond: How I see and hear ... then ... How I can see and hear differently. It is in the telling of the tale that the deeper messages “can” (will) slowly seep to the surface. I used the word “can” seep to the surface carefully. And if the process of “seeping to the surface” is encouraged properly ... then ... it always responds. This stuff does not want to be trapped in us. The truth of the matter is we just don’t know how to let it go.

• What I Need To Do To Stay Hooked Up To The Universe ... The One I Was Born Into ... Not Necessarily The One I Imagine ... See life for what it is ... not how I pretend it is. Then taking time to be with my maker. Then realizing that if I am spending time with my maker, that I can actually ask questions of my maker and here is the interesting point, I can expect answers. They might not come from where I expect them to, or they may not be what I want to hear, but I will get answers.

• Learning How To Use The Most Immediate/Simple Tools for self-discovery and growth: meditation, journaling, storytelling, dialoguing, using focused listening; this workshop offers fresh perspective on the Art of Living. It provides easily learned but necessary insights into how we can get on with the business of the spiritual journey and at the same time have the life we were meant to have and not get lost in the process.

• Understanding the first tenant of Buddhism: “Life is Difficult”, does not have to be a restrictive factor for me having a loving life. Learning how to access my sense of inner strength and then applying that forward into my day to day-ness and into my creativity. This is not about what I can get out of life this is about what I can give. The getting will happen all by itself.

• Understanding That Life Does Not Necessarily Work The Way I Think It Should ... Always ... and how I can use my experience(s) as a guide. Learning that I can augment my ability with my primary insights and to be able to combine who I am with what I doing in the world and again, not get lost.

• Learning How To Pass It On ... Knowing when my experience, strength and hope will benefit others. And more importantly learning when it won’t.

• Learning Where My Personal Pitfalls Are: and what to do with them if I fall in.

The Essence Of The Change And Spiritual Journey Of Awakening Is The Absolute Necessity Of Seeing What It Is That I Have Been Blind To For Most Of My Life.

Tools of the Trade and Reference Points for the Weekend: See Other Published Material.

This weekend retreat/workshop is based on life’s work of Neil Douglas-Tubb:

Condensed for the purpose into:

The Metaphor:

A Poem on Life.

The Facilitator

Neil is the recent recipient of the Louis Volks Humanitarian Award for his work in South Africa.

Neil is in private practice as a Registered Clinical Counselor (0396) in Victoria British Columbia.

He is an active member of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counselors, and he has sat on the Standards and Ethics Committee.

In the early days before Neil was into any of this “stuff” he was a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Security Service. He worked in Counter Espionage during what was considered the height of the cold war. He stepped out of that world just over three decades ago and into this world to search out his own past and his own ghosts and to dust off his own future.

Michael Poole, documentary film director/maker and author, in his book Romancing Mary Jane: A Year In The Life Of A Failed Marijuana Grower described Neil as a “rumpled old sage of a guy who has experience with what he does.” see pages 137/142

Neil says that he is not exactly sure what Michael meant, but it sounded good at the time. Neil’s best description of himself is: A man who works with spirit and the awakening process … he says he provides the opportunity for those who choose, to see themselves differently.

Neil is a widower, a father, a grandfather, a photographer /artist, a divorcee, a therapist, a writer, a humanitarian and world traveler and a man who has had to open his own doors to his own issues. Then do something about them. He speaks from experience.

He was born in St. Thomas Ontario in 1947.

Neil taught at and was Associate Director of Student Services at Twin Valley's School in 1979/1980 (TVS), Wardsville, Ontario (Alternative to the penal system for young offenders ... TVS was loosely connected to Findhorn in Scotland.)

Neil, in 1982/83, along with a number of other people, was a co-founder of Barnabas Center (Counseling services for street youth) in Edmonton, Alberta.

Neil is in private practice as a Registered Clinical Counselor (0396) in the Province of British Columbia since 1988.

In the fall of 2006 Neil was inducted as a Honorary Member of The Golden Key International Honor Society via the University of Victoria for his work within the community and his humanitarian work in South Africa.

http://web.uvic.ca/goldenkey/people/honorary.html#nedou

Neil received in 2010, the Louis Volks Humanitarian Award from the Lions Club of Tableview; the highest award the Lions Club of South Africa awards, for his work and support of the Lions Club projects in Jo Slovo and Vissershok districts of the Western Cape in South Africa.

http://vivianjoslovo.blogspot.com/

Neil is published and has authored, co-facilitated and facilitated a number of different workshops and seminars on spiritual development and life 101.

His passion has turned to writing. All, save one theme, are variations on the theme of healing. That one lone theme Neil is developing is turning into a trilogy of fiction … the great Canadian spy story and the first of three is called “Sharbot … A Spy Story”.

Other Published Material

Experience Has Taught Us --- 175 Missing Pieces: An Explorer’s Guide to Developing A Handbook on Life —Book One

Experience Has Taught Us --- Searching for the Willingness to Change

Zen and the Art of Lost and Found --- A workbook

Zen and the Art of Walking Lightly --- A workbook

Zen and the Art of Seeing Clearly, Perhaps for the First Time --- A workbook

Zen and the Art of the Five Principles of the Journey – A workbook

A Step Four and Five Guide

Publication Pending:

Into the Light: Healing from the Human Condition ...

The Door --- A Workshop on Inner Self Discovery

Understanding Me While Being We ... A workshop/couples/work situations/team building

The Most Important Thing(s)

I Have Learned So Far

The most important thing I have learned in doing my life and paying attention as I did it is:

When I come to the edge of my known universe, when I come to the end of where the light shines for me. It is from this point on that I have to be a risk taker. It’s when I have to go blindly off into something or someplace I have never seen or been before. Of course the alternative is possible. I can shrink away from moving forward—I can shrink away from exploring God’s Gift.

What I have discovered is: when I step off into my darkness and it is the darkness of my unknown, it is then that I grow. It is then that I come to know. It is then that I notice the light.

This happened for me truly for the first time when I went to South Africa ... oh I thought I had other experiences that were risk taking ... but my experience with the kids, and Vivian, and Vissershok school opened me to a thing; an experience that truly placed me somewhere where I could see my world differently.

Once it is experienced ... seen ... differently ... then it all changes ... it can't be reset once you know ... this is not about what I am seeing ... this is about how I am looking... this is where I saw spirit at work ... Vivian ... Gisela ... The Teachers at Vissershok School ... Darla ... and her children ... Joanne and her Idea ... Cleone and her help and her ideas ... to all those people who just paused for a moment or a week or a life time to risk and take the time do what needs to be done ... really.

I have been lucky in my life ... some who know my story, might not say so ... but I am ... everything I have experienced has coupled together to allow me to see life differently and here is the important part ... when I notice a "lack" I have the choice now to do something about it ... sometimes it does not seem like much ... and sometimes it seems mountainous ... but it is just what I can do to fill the "lack" ...

Neil