On Being Special

True Confessions of A Therapist

Or

Observations and Conversations on the Passage of Time,

With Me, Myself and God

I would like to begin this journal by telling you a bit about myself. I would like to tell you just how circuitous the journey of me finding me was for me. Just how tricky it was to begin to believe that I was actually having a life and not lost in one. (BTW once found, know this nothing is resolved, it has only just begun.)

It begins with me coming to a place of understanding that, just like everyone else who has arrived here on the face of this planet, upon arrival, I was instantly endowed with a survival suit. A body, to live in and work with for the duration of my stay on the planet.

The survival suit seems to be a requirement to be here.

This survival suit/body comes equipped with many interesting devices and processes but one of the most interesting is that it allows us to perform two major functions.

1. One, operate the survival suit.
2. Two, thinks about things.

The latter was the part that was dangerous for me.

Thinking About Things, That Is

Because, over time, as I thought about it, I came to a place where I firmly believed that this is what I did best. Thought about things.

Now that does not mean that I did this ‘thinking about things’ best, it just means that I firmly believed that I did. And believe me there is a difference. Of course, with the process of thinking about things, naturally came the notion that I understood what it was that I thought I thought about.

You see the problem, don’t you?

It’s actually scary when you frame it like that.

Well, it follows naturally, that as these two aspects of my life’s predicament settled in upon me, that is, me operating the survival suit in a hostile environment and me thinking about it. As these two aspects coupled with my analysis of the my thoughts, more thinking about things, all began to weigh down upon my shoulders. So, to lighten the load, I began to make conclusions about my life and about those significant others in my life and me as I related to them and their circumstances. One of the more profound insights of supposed understanding was; “I AM” the survival suit. After all what other conclusion would you come to if you had forgotten from ‘whence you came’?

Actually, what I came to understand after a very protracted period of time thinking about it, was that I was just in my survival suit. (Oh yes, nearly forgot and nearly left that out didn’t I, from ‘whence we came’! . . . Now there is something to think about . . . really! You can sort of get lost in that one without trying too hard, if you think about it!)

 Remember:

Think Think Think

Means

After three thinks quit;

You can only hurt yourself after that.

Subtle Difference In Words Worlds Apart In Process.

I have also found out through my intermingling with some of the rest of humanity observations on life that most others don’t know that they are just in their survival suits too. They don’t know this as a ‘truth’. They may know it as a fact but not a truth. There is a difference. I do think that most suspect this is true but prefer to ignore it or if they do know this to be true then they sure as hell don’t want to have a damned thing to do with the idea. They, like me, for the longest time, were or are more then happy basking in the bliss of ‘playful ignorance’. It seemed safer that way, not nearly as hostile, somehow. So, it naturally followed that they would much rather be who they thought they were, then who they really are. And of course there are various levels of support that are necessary for me to believe that I am who I think I am. This generally involved me believing you were who you thought you were and you returning the compliment of believing I was who I thought I was, thus we could pretend to be who we thought we were  together. Together is the key word because the problem was I couldn’t do that alone. This is often mistakenly called friendship or relationship. Actually one of my predominate variations on a theme was that I thought I was a therapist and I needed you to need me or I didn’t like you, if the truth were known. That way, things would appear to be safer and easier to understand at least for the moment. It also served me well because as long as I could focus on you I could avoid me. Any bells ring for anyone here! They did for me.

I believe the next key word here is ‘appear’ because like me, most put the term ‘I hope’ in front of most everything they did. I know I did. Sort of like blind faith hoping that the right thing . . . what ever that was . . . would happen and we could make safely on and into what ever is next.

The Joys of Conditional Prayer

‘I hope’ became the codicil phrase for a deeper belief structure that haunted me for most of my life. I went through life for the longest time with variations on a theme of this codicil hanging off of me or being offered up as my daily mantra. “I hope that” or “I prayer that” . . . this will happen or not happen or I could have or not have.

Remember, that after the ‘hope that or prayer that’ part, just fill in the blank(s) with whatever it is that you want to have appear in front of you or whatever it is that you would like have disappear from in front of you.

Translated This Means

“Dear God please give me  a sign and finally prove once and for all that I am special.” . . . But here is the kicker, “Not in your eyes oh Lord but in mine”. There is something backward in that request and it took me years to come up on it and understand that Ready, Fire, Aim was not necessarily the way to do it, but . . .

‘Dear Lord Prove To Me

Once And For All

That I Am Special’.

Well, here is the proof . . . You’re here and you’re having this experience. You’re right in the middle of it. Without the specialness of the creation, you would not be here and neither would any of this, but here you are, right smack in the middle, and having a problem with it all at the same time, and here is here for you to be here in. So, if you want to get particular about it and give it a few thoughts, you may want to notice that there is a ‘here’ to be in. What a gift! Even though most don’t notice it as that.

Simple, isn’t it, if only you’d notice!

So If You Really Want To Think

About Proving Specialness Try This.

Try combining the thought of: all this reality that we are a part of, together with the thought, that if it wasn’t here to be part of or to be here in, then we would not be here trying to get what it is that it seems we can’t get from whoever or whatever it is that we are trying to get it from.

Phew . . . Now there is one to think about.

There really is no other proof when you stop and think about no matter how I try. So the job at hand seems to be that I have to accept me as me and me as being in the midst of something I did not create.

Really quite simple if you stop and think about it. All things-being fair.