On Being Special

True Confessions of A Therapist

Or

Observations and Conversations on the Passage of Time,

With Me, Myself and God

I would like to begin this journal by telling you a bit about myself. I would like to tell you just how circuitous the journey of me finding me was for me. Just how tricky it was to begin to believe that I was actually having a life and not lost in one. (BTW once found, know this nothing is resolved, it has only just begun.)

It begins with me coming to a place of understanding that, just like everyone else who has arrived here on the face of this planet, upon arrival, I was instantly endowed with a survival suit. A body, to live in and work with for the duration of my stay on the planet.

The survival suit seems to be a requirement to be here.

This survival suit/body comes equipped with many interesting devices and processes but one of the most interesting is that it allows us to perform two major functions.

1. One, operate the survival suit.
2. Two, thinks about things.

The latter was the part that was dangerous for me.

Thinking About Things, That Is

Because, over time, as I thought about it, I came to a place where I firmly believed that this is what I did best. Thought about things.

Now that does not mean that I did this ‘thinking about things’ best, it just means that I firmly believed that I did. And believe me there is a difference. Of course, with the process of thinking about things, naturally came the notion that I understood what it was that I thought I thought about.

You see the problem, don’t you?

It’s actually scary when you frame it like that.

Well, it follows naturally, that as these two aspects of my life’s predicament settled in upon me, that is, me operating the survival suit in a hostile environment and me thinking about it. As these two aspects coupled with my analysis of the my thoughts, more thinking about things, all began to weigh down upon my shoulders. So, to lighten the load, I began to make conclusions about my life and about those significant others in my life and me as I related to them and their circumstances. One of the more profound insights of supposed understanding was; “I AM” the survival suit. After all what other conclusion would you come to if you had forgotten from ‘whence you came’?

Actually, what I came to understand after a very protracted period of time thinking about it, was that I was just in my survival suit. (Oh yes, nearly forgot and nearly left that out didn’t I, from ‘whence we came’! . . . Now there is something to think about . . . really! You can sort of get lost in that one without trying too hard, if you think about it!)

 Remember:

Think Think Think

Means

After three thinks quit;

You can only hurt yourself after that.

Subtle Difference In Words Worlds Apart In Process.

I have also found out through my intermingling with some of the rest of humanity observations on life that most others don’t know that they are just in their survival suits too. They don’t know this as a ‘truth’. They may know it as a fact but not a truth. There is a difference. I do think that most suspect this is true but prefer to ignore it or if they do know this to be true then they sure as hell don’t want to have a damned thing to do with the idea. They, like me, for the longest time, were or are more then happy basking in the bliss of ‘playful ignorance’. It seemed safer that way, not nearly as hostile, somehow. So, it naturally followed that they would much rather be who they thought they were, then who they really are. And of course there are various levels of support that are necessary for me to believe that I am who I think I am. This generally involved me believing you were who you thought you were and you returning the compliment of believing I was who I thought I was, thus we could pretend to be who we thought we were  together. Together is the key word because the problem was I couldn’t do that alone. This is often mistakenly called friendship or relationship. Actually one of my predominate variations on a theme was that I thought I was a therapist and I needed you to need me or I didn’t like you, if the truth were known. That way, things would appear to be safer and easier to understand at least for the moment. It also served me well because as long as I could focus on you I could avoid me. Any bells ring for anyone here! They did for me.

I believe the next key word here is ‘appear’ because like me, most put the term ‘I hope’ in front of most everything they did. I know I did. Sort of like blind faith hoping that the right thing . . . what ever that was . . . would happen and we could make safely on and into what ever is next.

The Joys of Conditional Prayer

‘I hope’ became the codicil phrase for a deeper belief structure that haunted me for most of my life. I went through life for the longest time with variations on a theme of this codicil hanging off of me or being offered up as my daily mantra. “I hope that” or “I prayer that” . . . this will happen or not happen or I could have or not have.

Remember, that after the ‘hope that or prayer that’ part, just fill in the blank(s) with whatever it is that you want to have appear in front of you or whatever it is that you would like have disappear from in front of you.

Translated This Means

“Dear God please give me  a sign and finally prove once and for all that I am special.” . . . But here is the kicker, “Not in your eyes oh Lord but in mine”. There is something backward in that request and it took me years to come up on it and understand that Ready, Fire, Aim was not necessarily the way to do it, but . . .

‘Dear Lord Prove To Me

Once And For All

That I Am Special’.

Well, here is the proof . . . You’re here and you’re having this experience. You’re right in the middle of it. Without the specialness of the creation, you would not be here and neither would any of this, but here you are, right smack in the middle, and having a problem with it all at the same time, and here is here for you to be here in. So, if you want to get particular about it and give it a few thoughts, you may want to notice that there is a ‘here’ to be in. What a gift! Even though most don’t notice it as that.

Simple, isn’t it, if only you’d notice!

So If You Really Want To Think

About Proving Specialness Try This.

Try combining the thought of: all this reality that we are a part of, together with the thought, that if it wasn’t here to be part of or to be here in, then we would not be here trying to get what it is that it seems we can’t get from whoever or whatever it is that we are trying to get it from.

Phew . . . Now there is one to think about.

There really is no other proof when you stop and think about no matter how I try. So the job at hand seems to be that I have to accept me as me and me as being in the midst of something I did not create.

Really quite simple if you stop and think about it. All things-being fair.

What Can I Do Differently To Make My Life A Better Place To Be?

When an individual chooses independence over interdependence and relationship(s) that person becomes a danger or a threat to everyone around them. Especially to those who are within this individual’s range of affect.

Those that are close by ... within the range of affect ... will object at being manipulated or managed by the independent soul. Independence is a defensive posture one develops to protect them from a world they thought would destroy them. It is a given that Authority is the natural extrapolation of this independence posture and is just another way of saying Might Makes Right. Authority is the excuse used by those who think they are strong to control the weak. With the business of Interdependence comes the nature of Respect. They go hand in hand. It can’t work any other way. Interdependence cannot exist without Respect but Respect can exist without Interdependence: 1) Most of us Respect the system we all work within even if we all don’t acknowledge it. 2) In our system the value “of” the individual is weighed against the value “to” the system or better said, “what can he or she do ... what can they contribute” and not “who they are.” 3) Thus, many if not all of us, are in some way sacrificed in some form to the greater good of the system of all concerned. 4) When in fact it should be exactly the other way around.

This inversion/reversal of reality gives advantage to those who appear to be stronger and this is what lays behind every struggle humanity has had with itself since time began ... The Truth of the Matter is ... “Who I am,” is far more important than “what I can do ...” Hold on to that thought for a week or two ... repeat it to yourself several times a day ... pray about it if you like and if you are going to take the time to pray look for and expect an answer ... or meditate on it ... write about it ... Then notice just how you ... yourself ... are caught up in this inner subterfuge ... either as a willing or unwilling participant ... Here is the question you ask yourself and the universe.

What Can I Do Differently To Make My Life A Better Place To Be? A Place Where I am No Longer Slave To A System I Never Created But I Have Enabled?

Thought For The Week

Spirit Without Science is Blind

But

Science Without Spirit is Lame.

Taken and adapted from Albert Enstein

Willing To Be Free

If you are willing to be free, then the Pattern you are living and working in conjunction with a Higher Power, will reveal freedom to you.

IT may come in strange ways from places you would least expect it, but it will be shown to you.

IT will be yours to act on and you will know what to do and how to do IT, probably even where to do IT; when to do IT is always left up to you. You may not like what is revealed, but there IT will be, staring back at you, waiting for you to do something with IT.

An imprisoning idea is any idea that inhibits your enjoyment of your abundance and or the expression of your creativity or the full experience of God's joy.

Your abundance, or the expression of your creativity, or the full experience of God’s joy, may seem different, but their effect is the same.


taken from Into the Light ...

Metaphor 3

So here I stand at a junction in my mind with my soul in hand, or so it seems. Many confusing and contradicting messages seem to be presenting themselves and I feel confused. Now through this fog of imagery there is a sense to one particular way. It is not marked by anything in particular, and actually it feels just a little scary to even consider going down that road but there is a sense of something that wafts down this way of doing things that is definitely different. If peace and good order have a smell about them, then it is here.

I look to my left and see many other opportunities I could venture out into, some very familiar, heck, I could walk through some of them with my eyes shut. In fact, I see many of the old gang beckoning too me to join them in the old ways. I feel my heart strings tug on this one. I look down this old and familiar road and I can see pain and despair hiding in the ditches just waiting to jump out at me. I see me depending on me, and my “magic friends” to gain relief from the attacks. I now know that the relief I will feel is only temporary. As I see my old friends I have to ask myself who is my friend and who is my enemy, really? Who has the false faces on today? I notice my life is littered with the castoffs of my efforts to avoid my legitimate hurt and pain.

I want ‘different’. That path way to the unfamiliar looks different. I notice others up ahead. They seem to be walking with a spring in their step, they seem to be walking toward a place called ‘different’. They are whom I want to join. We all carry heavy packsacks with us, and some of us have yokes about our necks too but I notice that their steps are light and the look upon their faces is peaceful. A sense of renewal comes upon me.

The old gang raises hell and bangs their pots and pans. They really don’t want me to go. They shout promises, and falsehoods and even try bribery, offering all sorts of freedom and wonderful experiences if only I would stay. It is tempting but I don’t hear the ring of quality in their voices, I remember what I have learned in the first two steps, in fact if I am honest with me I have to notice that the ring of quality it was never really there ever. I choose the road of unfamiliar and different.

Those greet me who have gone on before. The warmth and presence deep within grows deeper and richer. Gratitude becomes my experience not my lip service. I experience not being alone. I experience the presence of my Higher Power acting with me as I go through my day, as I walk upon my path.

. . . Experience Has Taught Me That . . .

There is a power great than me, and I can have it in my life but only if I ask and only if I surrender into it. Then it will heal all in my life that needs to be healed, including me.

Metaphor 2

Over and over, I have followed my own advice on what I think I should do and how I think I should do it and each time it came up the same, I have failed.

There are times when the desperation inside of me becomes so overwhelming; I don’t think I can go on another moment.

But as I quiet my mind and close my eyes I notice, for the first time in years, that there is a part of me that remembers the truth of whom I am. It speaks to me in a voice that is neither male nor female and reassures that all is not for naught.

Imagine that, from deep inside me, a Voice of sanity, reassurance, comfort and truth. This is a voice that I recall from my childhood, soft and certain, it reminds me of my Maker and It tells me I am part of all that is. One with! I am part of the plan too and I belong, no longer left out.

"No Child of God, can be less than perfect."

There is warmth and a comfort that comes over me as I sense this presence deep within me. Oh, it is hard to discern at first, but each time I acknowledge it to be alive and well within me, I feel it grow and become more pronounced and defined, and more a part of my life.

I feel the pieces of me beginning to come home from their hiding places and take their rightful place within me.

The missing parts of me are beginning to fall into place, as if some giant hand is now beginning to put me, the jigsaw puzzle, back together again.

. . . Experience Has Taught Me That . . .

I know that I have many avenues open to me and it really is a simple decision.

A or B

Choose the new and unfamiliar, take the risks and begin to experiment with something that I have discovered within me, something totally new and unfamiliar or

Do it the old way and take one more step towards death.

Which will I choose.

I Had New Shoes… KML

I had new shoes. Not brand new, but fairly new. I had worn them a few times and thought they were worn in enough to wear to work. They weren’t. It takes me 30 minutes to walk to work and by the time I arrived I had a blister on my foot. Since I spend most of my day sitting in front of a computer, the blister didn’t bother me much. But each time I walked through the office I wondered if I should find a bandage. It was a busy day and by the time I left work at the end of the day there was still no bandage.

About a block from the office I was in real pain. I thought about catching a bus, but it was one of those crisp, clear winter days, and I was so looking forward to the walk home after being cooped up inside all day. I decided to forge on. I could take it easy, slow down, hell, maybe even take advantage of the opportunity to go the scenic route. So I changed direction and hobbled on, and hobble I did. The pain was searing.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take another step, I turned the corner and there in front of me lay the harbour with the sun setting behind the hotels that line its edge. I was at once engulfed by the beauty of the sight. The colours, light, architecture and water created a scene that was overwhelming and tears filled my eyes. I felt as if I had stepped inside a painting and had suddenly become part of it. In relation to the magnificence I was seeing, the pain in my foot seemed so insignificant that I was able to walk on.

I was surrounded by beauty and at the same time a part of it — and I knew there was nothing else but beauty. And I knew this as fact — as truth. I knew that what I was seeing was life as it should be seen – life as it truly is: colour, light, radiance — a spectacular world that was more than just three dimensions. I felt its intensity with every fiber of my being. I drank it in and I poured myself into it at the same time.

When I reached the edge of the harbour the sun disappeared behind the buildings and I felt a slight sinking. The light was fading and so was the intensity with which I was viewing the world. At that moment I had the urge to turn my head and look up in the opposite direction. There in the air just above me was a blue heron, gliding past in complete silence. I was again overwhelmed and began sobbing at the beauty, the magnificence that was God. I quickly looked around and realized that no one else had seen the bird there in the dim light of sunset. To me his silent flight had been a message from God, and when I looked in the direction he had flown, he was gone.

I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing so I didn’t try. I wondered what people thought as I walked past them sobbing. They couldn’t know that I was seeing God and he was seeing me and that we were one.

As I continued to walk the light gradually dimmed and as it did the feelings subsided. What had at first seemed like a picture had become my reality, and now what I saw seemed like a black & white photograph: two dimensional and without colour. I felt strange at the flatness of it and desperate at the loss of radiance. A depression swept over me as I returned to my “reality.” How could I get that feeling back? Where had it gone? Where was that world I had just visited? How could I get back to it? I have glimpsed that world more than once since, but just for a moment each time before something inside me closed the door to it. But I know it is there.

Read this every day ... then write about where it takes you

I fell from the sky.

It was an accident.

The horses and the men were raiding the village.

They took most of the children and some of the women.

I was scooped up in the confusion.

But I was not one of them.

I fell from the sky.

Ask yourself whether you are happy?

Then notice that when you do, you cease to be so ... The Laws of Paradox at work!

A long time ago long before I ever considered writing these lines, I made an interesting discovery. At the time it was more of an observation then discovery. It took all the intervening time for me to realize I had made a discovery, I suppose it was the slowest epiphany on record. What I also discovered was that most people in some way shape or form have been aware of it since the dawn of time. Yet, I think the word discovery is appropriate, because even though well known, I had never come across it described or theoretically explained by the relevant branch of higher learning, which in my case happens to be psychology.

So, directly and indirectly I spent the intervening 20 or so years, nearly a quarter century, investigating this elusive phenomenon, directly or indirectly in my practice of psychotherapy.

What I had noticed a long time ago was that happiness is not something that happens at random fault.

This thing has form and it follows rules and they seem to be:

o Happiness does not happen because of good luck or because the fickle finger of fate picks you out for some grand event. No one is special.

o Happiness is not something that can be purchased nor can it be controlled or for that matter caused to occur on command by some grand authority.

o Happiness particularly does not depend on the world about us, although conversely the world about us can affect some of the various outcomes of it.

o Happiness seems to be more an interpretation of the world both about us and within us, all taken in some sort of strange mix or recipe that is constantly changing and is difficult to replicate.

o Happiness, in fact, seems to be a condition that we must be prepared for, that we must cultivate, and then be prepared, if necessary to de¬fend, but not from a place of unity but rather from a place of deep privacyas an individual.

o It also seems that people who learn to work with inner experience(s) will in fact be able to determine the quality of their lives as it relates to having or not having happiness, which, it seems is as close as any of us can come to being happy.

o It also seems a given that we cannot reach happiness by consciously searching for it. The very effort of trying to search for it seems to defeat our every effort to have or possess it.

o Happiness cannot be owned; it can only be experienced.

o Happiness seems to be the process of being fully involved with every detail of your life, subjectively not objectively.

o The key statement in describing the process of being involved in life seems to be as completely as possible, and completely as possible does not seem to depend on any opinion or definition of what is good or bad or how those cognitive markers are held in the mind of the beholder. Just because you are prepared to fight to the death for your beliefs doesn’t mean they are true.

o Happiness seems to occur because of the intensity of the involvement with life and not in the outcomes that intensity seems to want to provide so that it could be easily seen and judged by others.

o Degree of intensity of the involvement necessary to induce happiness will vary from individual to individual as well as situation-to-situation. Thus it follows that degrees of intensity i.e. very intense to mildly intense is not a marker that can determine the outcome of creating happiness. It is just a necessary factor that varies from time to time.

o The Laws Of Paradox seems to effect the outcome of having some or not; for instance: don't aim for it because the Laws Of Paradox will tend to cause you to increase the size and shape of the target you have set for yourself and then at the same time cause you to miss with greater frequency. Something like Chinese handcuffs, the harder you try the more difficult it becomes.

o Happiness and success cannot be pursued for their own sake.

o Happiness and success, to be most effective must sneak up from behind and envelop us ... It is something that happens to us while we are busy doing something else … as the inadvertent, unintentional after-effect of our efforts to simply get on with the business of being ourselves and by doing whatever is next simply because it is there and needs to be done. Then this seems to need to be taken into consideration with the effort made by the individual to be willing to work in the shadow of his or her spiritual self and then deliberately attempting to work with the spiritual forces of the Greater Way of Things.

o Again paradox. The Art of Trying Not to Try.

So how can we reach this elusive goal that cannot be attained by a direct route? My practice and practices of the past 20 or so years has convinced me that there is a way.

It is a circuitous path of going nowhere the long way in search of someone who was not lost and there all along … you, and it can only begin with a willingness by the participant to want to make the journey.

The Metaphor Part One

It has been my belief since my earliest memory that “I am alone and my world is a dangerous place”. My life seems to affirm this to me daily. I have found that I only can acquire the relief and happiness that I think I want by doing something or getting something. There are times when I feel I am so desperate, lost and alone.


I have learned that when my best efforts fail me that I have gathered habits along the way that I can depend on. These habits are creations from outside of me and they are "magical". They take their form as substances, actions or facilities, things that I use daily just to get by on. I know that I can always reach out to them and they can be relied on. It is sad but true that these “magical” chattels are my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions.

As I still my thoughts and close my eyes, I begin to realize that I have placed the scant shadow of my faith in a place and on activities that are misbegotten.

I am beginning to admit to myself that my beliefs really are not true. The various forms of my beliefs, my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions are devices that have only brought me pain.

I am admitting that I have no control over them, in fact I have given them all my power.

I also notice that they have no power of their own. They sit there like lifeless forms, shadows or ghosts, awaiting only the wind of my restlessness to stir my soul and scatter them.

I admit that I have been insane and I begin to wonder about what may lay before me as I begin my journey toward finding the world of my sanity.

. . .Experience has Taught Me. . .

That I am out of control and I know I am not happy.

That my Beliefs have not and can not make me happy.

I know I must find “different” to be happy.

Where will I look?

What will I see?

And who will help me?

The Metaphor A Workshop

Course Description

Cost $365/weekend Friday 7pm/9pm Saturday/9:30 am/4:30pm Sunday 10:00am/4:oo pm Visa/Master Card/American Express/ Bank Cards are accepted ... contact neiltubb@shaw.ca for further details

There is a truth that needs to be understood for life to be seen as it was intended to be seen. All life is sacred. All life is God’s Gift. One of the basic natural consequences of this simple truth is: we are all sacred too ... Most of us have to learn this. It is God’s Gift that we are sacred, but it is not God’s Gift that we know this for ourselves. The journey of spiritual awareness is the passage from immature to mature for the soul and it is in this process where we come to understand that God’s Gift is a fact for us.

On Being Who We Were Meant To Be.

That is life’s task.

We all have the stories of our past, and they can help guide us on our journey. There is far more to be learned in those stories than what we might have expected.

We all have a curriculum to follow. It is an independent, individual curriculum. It is a curriculum for the soul not the personality. The personality is the curriculum and it is tailored perfectly to your soul’s need.

We medicate ourselves, we do processes, and we hope that they will keep us connected to the Way of Things. These processes don’t awaken us, but what they can do is help us be awake and safe (to a certain degree) so we can get on with the spiritual journey when we are ready.

For the deeper agendas to awaken the maturation process, we need to tell our stories over and over again ... and at the same time find different ways of looking at what happened to us.

The Concept of: I am the Diamond. In the telling of the tale sometimes over and over again, the deeper message(s) can slowly seep to the surface. The Concept of: I am the Diamond ... I have hundreds if not thousands of facets, ways to see out into my world and I choose to use but a few. And those few that I do use are chosen by me as a direct result of and limited by my early life experience(s).

Primary Focus on the Weekend:

• The Concept Of: I Am The Diamond: How I see and hear ... then ... How I can see and hear differently. It is in the telling of the tale that the deeper messages “can” (will) slowly seep to the surface. I used the word “can” seep to the surface carefully. And if the process of “seeping to the surface” is encouraged properly ... then ... it always responds. This stuff does not want to be trapped in us. The truth of the matter is we just don’t know how to let it go.

• What I Need To Do To Stay Hooked Up To The Universe ... The One I Was Born Into ... Not Necessarily The One I Imagine ... See life for what it is ... not how I pretend it is. Then taking time to be with my maker. Then realizing that if I am spending time with my maker, that I can actually ask questions of my maker and here is the interesting point, I can expect answers. They might not come from where I expect them to, or they may not be what I want to hear, but I will get answers.

• Learning How To Use The Most Immediate/Simple Tools for self-discovery and growth: meditation, journaling, storytelling, dialoguing, using focused listening; this workshop offers fresh perspective on the Art of Living. It provides easily learned but necessary insights into how we can get on with the business of the spiritual journey and at the same time have the life we were meant to have and not get lost in the process.

• Understanding the first tenant of Buddhism: “Life is Difficult”, does not have to be a restrictive factor for me having a loving life. Learning how to access my sense of inner strength and then applying that forward into my day to day-ness and into my creativity. This is not about what I can get out of life this is about what I can give. The getting will happen all by itself.

• Understanding That Life Does Not Necessarily Work The Way I Think It Should ... Always ... and how I can use my experience(s) as a guide. Learning that I can augment my ability with my primary insights and to be able to combine who I am with what I doing in the world and again, not get lost.

• Learning How To Pass It On ... Knowing when my experience, strength and hope will benefit others. And more importantly learning when it won’t.

• Learning Where My Personal Pitfalls Are: and what to do with them if I fall in.

The Essence Of The Change And Spiritual Journey Of Awakening Is The Absolute Necessity Of Seeing What It Is That I Have Been Blind To For Most Of My Life.

Tools of the Trade and Reference Points for the Weekend: See Other Published Material.

This weekend retreat/workshop is based on life’s work of Neil Douglas-Tubb:

Condensed for the purpose into:

The Metaphor:

A Poem on Life.

The Facilitator

Neil is the recent recipient of the Louis Volks Humanitarian Award for his work in South Africa.

Neil is in private practice as a Registered Clinical Counselor (0396) in Victoria British Columbia.

He is an active member of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counselors, and he has sat on the Standards and Ethics Committee.

In the early days before Neil was into any of this “stuff” he was a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Security Service. He worked in Counter Espionage during what was considered the height of the cold war. He stepped out of that world just over three decades ago and into this world to search out his own past and his own ghosts and to dust off his own future.

Michael Poole, documentary film director/maker and author, in his book Romancing Mary Jane: A Year In The Life Of A Failed Marijuana Grower described Neil as a “rumpled old sage of a guy who has experience with what he does.” see pages 137/142

Neil says that he is not exactly sure what Michael meant, but it sounded good at the time. Neil’s best description of himself is: A man who works with spirit and the awakening process … he says he provides the opportunity for those who choose, to see themselves differently.

Neil is a widower, a father, a grandfather, a photographer /artist, a divorcee, a therapist, a writer, a humanitarian and world traveler and a man who has had to open his own doors to his own issues. Then do something about them. He speaks from experience.

He was born in St. Thomas Ontario in 1947.

Neil taught at and was Associate Director of Student Services at Twin Valley's School in 1979/1980 (TVS), Wardsville, Ontario (Alternative to the penal system for young offenders ... TVS was loosely connected to Findhorn in Scotland.)

Neil, in 1982/83, along with a number of other people, was a co-founder of Barnabas Center (Counseling services for street youth) in Edmonton, Alberta.

Neil is in private practice as a Registered Clinical Counselor (0396) in the Province of British Columbia since 1988.

In the fall of 2006 Neil was inducted as a Honorary Member of The Golden Key International Honor Society via the University of Victoria for his work within the community and his humanitarian work in South Africa.

http://web.uvic.ca/goldenkey/people/honorary.html#nedou

Neil received in 2010, the Louis Volks Humanitarian Award from the Lions Club of Tableview; the highest award the Lions Club of South Africa awards, for his work and support of the Lions Club projects in Jo Slovo and Vissershok districts of the Western Cape in South Africa.

http://vivianjoslovo.blogspot.com/

Neil is published and has authored, co-facilitated and facilitated a number of different workshops and seminars on spiritual development and life 101.

His passion has turned to writing. All, save one theme, are variations on the theme of healing. That one lone theme Neil is developing is turning into a trilogy of fiction … the great Canadian spy story and the first of three is called “Sharbot … A Spy Story”.

Other Published Material

Experience Has Taught Us --- 175 Missing Pieces: An Explorer’s Guide to Developing A Handbook on Life —Book One

Experience Has Taught Us --- Searching for the Willingness to Change

Zen and the Art of Lost and Found --- A workbook

Zen and the Art of Walking Lightly --- A workbook

Zen and the Art of Seeing Clearly, Perhaps for the First Time --- A workbook

Zen and the Art of the Five Principles of the Journey – A workbook

A Step Four and Five Guide

Publication Pending:

Into the Light: Healing from the Human Condition ...

The Door --- A Workshop on Inner Self Discovery

Understanding Me While Being We ... A workshop/couples/work situations/team building

The Most Important Thing(s)

I Have Learned So Far

The most important thing I have learned in doing my life and paying attention as I did it is:

When I come to the edge of my known universe, when I come to the end of where the light shines for me. It is from this point on that I have to be a risk taker. It’s when I have to go blindly off into something or someplace I have never seen or been before. Of course the alternative is possible. I can shrink away from moving forward—I can shrink away from exploring God’s Gift.

What I have discovered is: when I step off into my darkness and it is the darkness of my unknown, it is then that I grow. It is then that I come to know. It is then that I notice the light.

This happened for me truly for the first time when I went to South Africa ... oh I thought I had other experiences that were risk taking ... but my experience with the kids, and Vivian, and Vissershok school opened me to a thing; an experience that truly placed me somewhere where I could see my world differently.

Once it is experienced ... seen ... differently ... then it all changes ... it can't be reset once you know ... this is not about what I am seeing ... this is about how I am looking... this is where I saw spirit at work ... Vivian ... Gisela ... The Teachers at Vissershok School ... Darla ... and her children ... Joanne and her Idea ... Cleone and her help and her ideas ... to all those people who just paused for a moment or a week or a life time to risk and take the time do what needs to be done ... really.

I have been lucky in my life ... some who know my story, might not say so ... but I am ... everything I have experienced has coupled together to allow me to see life differently and here is the important part ... when I notice a "lack" I have the choice now to do something about it ... sometimes it does not seem like much ... and sometimes it seems mountainous ... but it is just what I can do to fill the "lack" ...

Neil

There is a Door

Here is One of the Keys

Understanding Me While Being We ...

SURVIVAL

POWER

LOVE-BELONGING

FREEDOM

and

FUN

Two Most Important Features

First Feature:

We All Choose How We Behave.

Even if we choose not to choose, that is a choice.

Second Feature:

We Can Only Control Our Own Behaviour

We Cannot Control Anyone Else’s.

There is A Story on this page for you: why not tell it!

10 POINTS OF RECOVERY

COMMITMENT

1. Make your "recovery" the first priority in your life.

Become Pro Active in your own life.

PRO ACTIVE PHASE

2. Become "selfish," i.e., focus on getting your own needs met

more effectively.

3. Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings.

4. Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself, i.e., fill

in gaps that have made you feel undeserving or bad about yourself.

5. Learn to stop managing and controlling others; by being more

focused on your own needs, you will no longer need to seek security

by trying to make others change.

6. Develop your "spiritual" side, i.e., find out what brings you peace

and serenity and commit some time, at least half an hour daily, to

that endeavor.

7. Learn not to get "hooked" into the games of relationships; avoid

dangerous roles you tend to fall into, e.g., "rescuer" (helper),

"persecutor" (blamer), "victim" (helpless one).

OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES

8. Find support (friends, people who are in recovery too, a sponsor, a therapist), people who understand and most importantly people who know their way through all this.

9. Learn to share; learn the business of With, Us and We. Share and listen with someone you are willing to listen to. This one is very important. Then follow their directions.

10. Consider getting professional help and if you do get professional help try working with the pro, after all that is why you are paying them. Most people never think of this because it is too scary, just fessup and tell them it is scary, then get on with it.

15 Principles ... Understanding Me While Being We

First Principle

Live Life to the fullest ... I have lived with people who do just that and it is that effort that underlies most everything both they and I attempt to do ... Sounds simple. But just how does one get there from here.

Second Principle

“Trust” is about value, not about pain reduction, not about expectations ... this can slip and slide through misunderstanding into the manifestation of all my fears ... “Trust” is about “what has real value” ... not necessarily what I imagine it to be.

Third Principle

Know Thy Self

To Me Means:

Fourth Principle

You are responsible for you ...

Not for your partner ...

Just You!

Your partner is not responsible for you.

Fifth Principle

Spirit and Spiritual

To Me Means:

Sixth Principle

To be Self Soothing

To Me Means:

Seventh Principle

An Exercise To Take You Into Your Future

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Lift Me Up?

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Bring Me Down?

What Beliefs Do I Follow That Are Based In Truth?

Which Of Those Beliefs Are Based On Lies?

When I notice there is something out of balance, something that brings me down, something that is a lie or out of line with the Way of Things, then there are only two things that are necessary.

First, make up a new rule/belief that encompasses you being uplifted. Then Do It.

Second, say to yourself or to whoever may be present:

I’m Sorry

Please Forgive Me

I Love You

The important thing is that you offer this up to your own soul first.

Remember:

You Act Your Way Into A New Way Of Thinking ...

Not Think Your Way Into a New Way of Acting

Eighth Principle

Style

Theirs and Mine

Complimentary / Confrontational

Ninth Principle

EXPERIENCE has taught us that there are PRINCIPLES OF SHARING. I can use these principles to find out more about my world and myself.

A. Most of my partner’s criticisms of me have some basis in reality. (Note the words ‘some basis’; no one said ‘total basis’ by any stretch of the imagination.)

B. Many of my repetitious, emotional criticisms of my partner are disguised statements of my own unmet needs. Of course the same is true for my partner. (Note: the key phrase in this statement is my own unmet needs.)

C. Some of my repetitive, emotional criticisms of my partner may be an accurate description of a disowned part of me. My Blind Spots.

D. Some of my criticisms of my partner may help me identify my own lost self.

One must remember this is not about liking what you see, this is about discovering what is hidden in plain sight.

Tenth Principle

Hope

Hope is shared amongst us all.

It is a universal human experience which brings us together in our diversity and at the same time is a personal experience which shows differently for everyone.

Hope is a quality which is found in the stories of peoples' lives ... not in analysis of the situation. Our news media draws us to the tragedies and melodrama of life but we as individuals have the choice to look in another direction.

It is a complex human quality which:

o -is rooted in our past experiences;

o -has an orientation to the future;

o -is expressed in how we live today.

Eleventh Principle

The Way of Things

Conflict in social interaction comes in many forms: brute force, implacable institutions, and internal divisions among one's friends, fellow workers and family. If there is to be an opening in any situation, a way through to resolution, we are going to have to be willing to listen to what we have to say to ourselves about others and ourselves, (Ninth Principle) and at the same time not be caught in the reactive nature that has brought us to this impasse in the first place. Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements ... “Don’t Take Things Personally.”

Insights don't come easily, as you probably are discovering. It takes a great deal of strength to detach yourself from who you think you are and be honest. After all, we all have vested interests in whom and what we think we are and what is going on around us. What is going on around us is the stuff that gives us our definitions of who we think we are. We tend to seek out those situations, people and events that support what we have come to think about ourselves in the first place.

It’s a cycle. Nothing more, nothing less.

Twelfth Principle

Your imagination is what is creating your reality.

This is True.

Curiosity motivates us to do something with what we imagine.

This is very a powerful concept.

In fact one of the most Powerful things you own.

This Also is True.

Imagination is a force that can actually manifest reality.

You Job is to Use It Wisely

Wisdom Comes From Experience Not Books

Imagine That!

Thirteenth Principle (Expanded)

The respect of and for your team, your partners (Life and Business) is more important than all the laurels the world can provide.

Don't put limitations on yourself.

Don’t think yourself into a place that stops you before you start.

Stay Away From “I Can’t.”

It doesn’t work very Well.

Learn to speak your Feelings as they are.

Know this:

Being Nice is Not a Nice Thing to do, especially when you do it to yourself.

Others will put limitations on you.

They will drop their stuff and their opinions on you.

on’t take it personally.

And more importantly: don't do it to yourself.

Remember This:

Your best Thinking may not be your best Friend.

Don't bet against you before you start.

Learn to speak up and speak out.

Not your opinions ... your feelings.

Fourteenth Principle

Take Risks

”Failure is not an option”

This Statement Is Not True.

Failure has to be an option for life to be rich.

Why?

Simple!

It is in the “leap of faith” that Risk Taking Entails

It is here in that space of conscious awareness that life gains its flavour.

Life and its richness is embodied in the attempting to do

what you've never done before.

So failure has to be an option

But fear is not.

Fifteenth Principle

Arthur C. Clarke

The only way of discovering the limits of the “possible”

Is to venture a little way past them into the “impossible”.

Taken from A Course In Miracles ... Manuel for Teachers ... Page 9 ... On Trust ... Foundation for Inner Peace ...

Taken from Experience Has Taught Us 175 Missing Pieces Published Bright Star Press Author Neil Douglas-Tubb

Adapted from How Can I Help ... Ram Dass and Paul Gorman ... Publisher ... Knopf

From Quotes by Arthur C Clarke ... author ... futurist ... visionary

Adapted From Quotes by Arthur C Clarke ...

From Quotes by Arthur C Clarke ... author ... futurist ... visionary

On Being Patient

When you think you have been patient for as long as you possibly can be patient ...

That's when you need to

Practice Patience

Tom Harvey TVS ... 1979

The Essense

The very nature of the healing process is to get to a place where life and life's processes are seen differently; where Spirit can become a part of the internal process of healing, not just contributing to the healing, but being the essence of the healing process.

The definition of therapy is to make the unknown known, thus returning choice to the individual. A Course in Miracles defines a miracle as something that takes us back and releases the past in the present and gives us back our future. Within the therapeutic context this 'miraculous' definition of healing is also the working definition of grief.


Susanne Forward writes in her book, Toxic Parenting, that there are five basic levels of recovery. She implies that we have to be prepared to implement each of the levels as follows:


1. Know what happened to us.


2. Know how we felt as it happened.


3. Understand the legacy of those experiences: the ghosts, the monsters, and the demons.


4 Come to understand what it is that we want now.


5. Finally answer the question: Do I have the courage to do what is necessary to make it all work?


You will find that as you identify yourself (willingly or not) as co-dependent you will have to go through a process of unraveling and processing if you want to free yourself. This thought stems from Alice Miller’s benchmark work 'Drama of the Gifted Child':


"When we are in touch with our true feelings and can express them and not have to repress them, the energy to act them out at inappropriate times and places diminishes over time."


It is a given that if we lost our voice to speak about our pain then we will act it out. Conversely as we recover and regain our ability to speak and process our deep-seated feelings then the need to act out to be heard will diminish. Alice Miller writes:

"It is very striking to see how...acting out ceases

when the patient begins to experience his/her own feelings."

So today we are going to write about our feelings about mom/dad


Papa Bear, Momma Bear and Baby Bear come home to find: a page or two please, more if you like.


My Dad often made me feel: 10 replies


My Mom often made me feel: 10 replies


Dad's ways to show caring was to: 10 replies


Mom's ways to show caring was to: 10 replies


If my dad touched or held me, I felt: 10 replies


If my mom touched or held me, I felt: 10 replies


Dad helped mold my view of me into: "


Mom helped mold my view of me into:


Dad's view & opinion of women was:


Mom's view & opinion of women was:


Dad's view of men was:


Mom's view of men was:


My view of women is:


My view of men is:


Dad's opinion of love was:


Mom's opinion of love was:


My opinion of Love is:

To Journal

It's amazing how totally unaware of how disconnected we are of our own feelings. Caregivers are aware of everybody else's feelings around them and yet they have such a difficult time recognizing their own.

It is important to know that before you can come full cycle and heal it is imperative that you come back in contact with your feelings … not just theirs, knowing their feelings and thoughts is a defense strategy learned many years ago in a vain attempt to deal with something that over whelmed you. It is now a requirement of the process to get in touch with your own buried sadness, hurts and repressed feelings so that you can do your own grieving so that you can really come to remember who you are and what you were intended to be.

No one said it was simple and no one said it would not be painful. Doing this has been likened to root channel work of the soul except with no freezing, but it is necessary and we are all stuck with that as a fact of life. Our only choice is the time that you set aside to do it, this is all that is optional … and it is important to know that you understand that what you get out of it will be directly proportional to what you really put into it, and not just appear to put into it but actually but forth in real effort. That is simply the way it is. The deep grieving and pain will eventually set you free. The grief is part of the process that releases the past in the present and give you back your future .

The essence of the change and recovery process is the absolute necessity of seeing what it is that you have been “blind to” for most of your life. It is a two-fold process. First, one of the key ingredients to recovery is to have the individual process him or herself through a deeply introspection, in 12 steps this is reflected in steps Four and Five. This process can be summed up briefly as ‘who am I anyway’, or ‘the good the bad and the ugly’.

In reality this is a process of you searching for you by looking into yourself in a fashion that you may never have thought of. It is truly a look at you, warts and all, not just the carefully selected stuff that each of us uses to help us maintain either the particular false front that may be ‘in season’ or ‘in fashion’ that day or the stuff that supports some crappy self image we may have of ourselves.

The second aspect of this process is you sharing all of the above with someone, all of the things that you have come to realize yourself during the first phase. That someone you share with is actually someone who draws breath, someone who can be deeply trusted, and this is all done in the presence of what it is that you have come to believe in as your Higher Power, Creator or God.

The things that are shared are what you discovered about yourself. To be most specific what is being shared are those things or patterns that:

• I do or did on a regular basis that kept me stuck in this rut that some other anal aperture (just me being polite) pushed me into years ago.

• Or how am I my own worst enemy.

There are literally hundreds of phrases used to describe the nature of what is hidden away deep down inside the introspection process. You can use whatever phrase helps you.

I say this ‘being stuck in a rut’ with some reverence.

Here is why. I can’t be responsible for what was done to me, but one of my deeper discoveries I made was that I spent most of my life trying to do just that, but to heal, I have to become willing to be responsible for what I do and what I did and with where I am now and more importantly I have to become willing to be responsible for getting me out of that metaphorical rut that I got pushed into.

The Metaphor

Over and over, I have followed my own advice on what I think I should do and how I think I should do it and each time it came up the same, I have failed.

There are times when the desperation inside of me becomes so overwhelming; I don’t think I can go on another moment.

But as I quiet my mind and close my eyes I notice, for the first time in years, that there is a part of me that remembers the truth of whom I am. It speaks to me in a voice that is neither male nor female and reassures that all is not for not.

Imagine that, from deep inside me, a Voice of sanity, reassurance, comfort and truth. This is a voice that I recall from my childhood, soft and certain, it reminds me of my Maker and It tells me I am part of all that is. One with! I am part of the plan too and I belong, no longer left out.

"No Child of God, can be less than perfect."

There is warmth and a comfort that comes over me as I sense this presence deep within me. Oh, it is hard to discern at first, but each time I acknowledge it to be alive and well within me, I feel it grow and become more pronounced and defined, and more a part of my life.

I feel the pieces of me beginning to come home from their hiding places and take their rightful place within me.

The missing parts of me are beginning to fall into place, as if some giant hand is now beginning to put me, the jig saw puzzle, back together again.

. . . Experience Has Taught Me That . . .

I know that I have many avenues open to me and it really is a simple decision.

A or B.

Choose the new and unfamiliar, take the risks and begin to experiment with something that I have discovered within me, something totally new and unfamiliar or

Do it the old way and take one more step towards death.

Which will I choose?

So why is it a demand for this process to have such a deep introspective aspect as a perquisite to healing?

Here is the primary reason. Those people who work nearly exclusively with recovery in treatment centers have found that, before the individual is really stable enough to be placed back in the real world and make it, the individual must in some way come to terms with the hidden demons they carry. That does not necessarily mean coming to a resolution; simply acknowledging reality as it is, seems to be what is called for.

Working the deep introspection (the steps if you are following the Minnesota model) creates the opportunity to begin to notice the following:

(A) We have blind spots in our psyche;

(B) There is something hiding in those blind spots;

(C) And whatever is in those blind spots may be a major contributing factor to our experiencing life as unpleasant. (Please pardon the understatement.)

So, if it is true that the hidden demons are running the show, then it extends naturally to the assumption that any or all hope of change and/or recovery is lost on our own unhealthy dependence upon What We Know. This is where being your own worst enemy comes in … no matter how hard you try you, depending on you will bring you back to the beginning. If you can see into our blind spots then it follows that you cannot see the real monsters that control your life.

Journaling

Journaling is the facility that takes you into the process of you discovering you. It gently brings us to face ourselves; to look at our choices, clarify our feelings, thoughts and ideas. It brings you to a point of being able to see that you have choices and you can examine your choices and create options; it is the beginning of us building an intimate relationship with yourself, it is a deep soulful conversation you with yourself. It naturally leads to increased awareness by you of you.

Our journal becomes a reflection of our thought and our self-talk.

Exercise: Work Notes:

Over and over, I have followed my own advice on what I think I should do and how I think I should do it and each time it came up the same, I have failed.

There are times when the desperation inside of me becomes so overwhelming; I don’t think I can go on another moment.

From your own perspective give definition to the above: Line by line if you have to, just make it real for you. Allow yourself to come to terms with the reality about you.

Exercise: Work Notes:

But as I quiet my mind and close my eyes I notice, for the first time in years, that there is a part of me that remembers the truth of whom I am. It speaks to me in a voice that is neither male nor female and reassures that all is not for not.

Imagine that, from deep inside me, a Voice of sanity, reassurance, comfort and truth. This is a voice that I recall from my childhood, soft and certain, it reminds me of my Maker and It tells me I am part of all that is. One with! I am part of the plan too and I belong, no longer left out.

"No Child of God, can be less than perfect."

From your own perspective give definition to the above: Line by line if you have to, just make it real for you. Allow yourself to come to terms with the reality about you.

Exercise: Work Notes:

. . . Experience Has Taught Me That . . .

I know that I have many avenues open to me and it really is a simple decision.

A or B.

Choose the new and unfamiliar, take the risks and begin to experiment with something that I have discovered within me, something totally new and unfamiliar or

Do it the old way and take one more step towards death.

Which will I choose?

From your own perspective give definition to the above: Line by line if you have to, just make it real for you. Allow yourself to come to terms with the reality about you.

Next, simply start telling your story, develop your own autobiography, the story of your life, as you see and remember it, or as it was told to you by others. It can be a collage of story lines that describes you to you and it can include early childhood memories, preschool issues, those are important and what we know about our infancy. What was going on in our families and in the world at the time were children. Anything that may have impacted on you, what your early days at school were like, what and who your first friendships were made up of. Include patterns, problems, things you like, people that were important, abusive, friendly or supportive. Teachers, romantic relationships, early sexual experiences, recreational activities, sports, academics, family time, vacations and losses are all part or your history. This is simply you telling your story in front of you on a page so you can finally see it for yourself - coming to know yourself - slowly. Include your hopes and dreams, your successes and failures. Slowly you will begin to see the patterns in your life. You can see your early adulthood; trace your 'dis-ease’. You can see more of who you really are.

Know this, that as you do this process it slowly brings you back on track to becoming yourself and filling your destiny. It is important that you do this yourself, for yourself. Do not do this because I asked you to - do it for you.

This workbook/journal is designed-hopefully-to allow you to get past you being you, so that you can reach into the deep and perhaps darker areas or arenas of your own awareness to make 'affective change' possible.

You Can't Make Things Different By Keeping Them The Same

Exercise: Work Notes:

Describe: The hands that nurtured me: (several pages please)

Exercise: Work Notes:

Describe: The hands that betrayed me: several pages please

Exercise: Work Notes:

Describe the crimes that affected me: The ones I still carry to this day because of the betrayal.