Saturday, October 30, 2010
On Seeing Clearly Perhaps for the First Time―What’s Next and Why it is Next
EXPERIENCE has taught us that, unfortunately, the drama and trauma of life happened to us far too soon. Those who were supposed to protect us either could not or did not. Life’s pot got stirred at precisely the wrong moment; our impetuous newborn souls froze up in fear, and now hold on tight to anything they can, demanding that life come to them rather than that they go to life.
Stalled in the spiritual birth canal.
Demanding ever more and more; the content changing, but the form always staying the same.
Give me. Give me right now.
I don’t care what it is, just give me so I got it.
Give me so I can feel safe.
I’m not going out there after it; give it to me right here and now.
Confusion and fear … my ever-faithful traveling companions … arise yet again to do their handy work.
I begin by questioning life and all that is about me … and as I have noticed … at the time of my asking these deeper questions … they are seemingly real to me … but in hindsight I can see now that they were in no way connected to me either finding or seeing the truth.
Truth, I pondered that recently …
• Does my search for it actually get in the way of my attempts at finding it?
• Do my best efforts hold me back from what it is that I say I want?
I have gone over and over my history … my story … my past … in a vain attempt to be able to say out loud to anyone who would listen that I now … egotistically … understand … so I can say “I know” … as an aside I discovered that can be a dangerous thing to do …
I have noticed that as I did this review of my life thing in my mind I tended to edit and revise my story just to better suit it to the condition of my circumstances … help me explain the unexplainable … those things that I did that I can’t seem to find the courage to take responsibility for … to make a better story … to explain why it is that I do what it is that I do or did what I did … etc.
If I were being honest I would notice that I am secretly striving for control …
There it is … I said it out loud … is that Honesty?
Insatiable, needy, scared, loving, and friendly?
All in the same thought.
Taken from Chapter 19 Zen and the Art of Seeing Clearly ... Perhaps for he First Time ...