Friday, April 5, 2013
Response to:I Fell From The Sky ...
In response to Neil’s “thought of the week” , April 2,2013-04-04
Probably the first thing that comes to mind is Anger.
I just want to say, “Oh stop your whining, stop being in denial...yes it happened...now get on with it...you pain in the ass! And when I see this written I hear my mother and my older sister. The whole thing about that statement at the end of Neil’s email is “I fell from the sky”. Oh frig! As if you’re so detached from it all...Yes it happened, Yes it was painful, Yes I see how it shaped my personality, Yes I still see how it creeps up in every day I invest in. Yes, yes it’s there and yes I have to keep seeing/feeling to let it go. It’s the crap/history/past I must deal with and denying it just keeps me down, asleep, searching. Quit this frickin pie in the sky bullshit! “I fell from the sky”...Enough!!
I was physically beaten, I saw my mother beaten too... I've seen my dog brutally kicked, I’ve seen pain inflicted and blood...It was awful. The memory goes deeper into a blackness of rage I've felt and acted upon. Sometimes hitting myself in the head and body, sometimes driving so fast that I could kill myself with one wrong turn, sometimes getting so high-to the edge-just to feel nothing but a numb peace. I've felt so suppressed by dominate men there would be a pressure in my gut that seems like a black hole, this is where my soul would go to hide. After that I’d just go through the motions, void of feeling. I learned to keep going from my mother; she’d come back from the beatings, broken nose or black eye, making breakfast and saying sweet nothings to the man in the house. We all had to be polite, even though he just hurt our mother badly. It’s a sick feeling in my gut I remember it.
No I didn't fall from the sky...I was right there all along.