In
response to Neil’s “thought of the week” , April 2,2013-04-04
Probably
the first thing that comes to mind is Anger.
I just
want to say, “Oh stop your whining, stop being in denial...yes it
happened...now get on with it...you pain in the ass! And when I see
this written I hear my mother and my older sister. The whole thing about
that statement at the end of Neil’s email is “I fell from the sky”. Oh frig! As
if you’re so detached from it all...Yes it happened, Yes it was painful, Yes I
see how it shaped my personality, Yes I still see how it creeps up in every day
I invest in. Yes, yes it’s there and yes I have to keep seeing/feeling to
let it go. It’s the crap/history/past I must deal with and denying it
just keeps me down, asleep, searching. Quit this frickin pie in the sky
bullshit! “I fell from the sky”...Enough!!
I was
physically beaten, I saw my mother beaten too... I've seen my dog brutally
kicked, I’ve seen pain inflicted and blood...It was awful. The memory
goes deeper into a blackness of rage I've felt and acted upon. Sometimes
hitting myself in the head and body, sometimes driving so fast that I could
kill myself with one wrong turn, sometimes getting so high-to the edge-just to
feel nothing but a numb peace. I've felt so suppressed by dominate men there
would be a pressure in my gut that seems like a black hole, this is where my
soul would go to hide. After that I’d just go through the motions,
void of feeling. I learned to keep going from my mother; she’d come back
from the beatings, broken nose or black eye, making breakfast and saying sweet
nothings to the man in the house. We all had to be polite, even though he
just hurt our mother badly. It’s a sick feeling in my gut I remember it.
No I didn't fall from the sky...I was right there all along.
A client....
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