Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Great Obscenity of Life

After The Door[1] There is a Vista.

A Great Obscenity of Life seems to be my insatiable desire to surrender and give over my soul and my sanity to those who would eviscerate me.
I mean why?  But I just keep on doing it!
In my processes of my recovery thus far, I have come to learn that this need of mine to turn my Life and Will over to inappropriate souls is done with a purpose, of course the purpose is twisted but it is there and it is demanding and it drives me at times. 
The Purpose seems to be for me to attain a (false) sense of acceptance and security that I seem to believe that I so desperately need from those around me who have connections to the deeper shadows and ghost of my past.  Not in a conscious form, this is all done under the surface of my conscious mind, but it is working, and seems now that it is constantly at work never taking a holiday.
When I saw this in all its many forms and intricacies and then realized what I was seeing (saw and realized are two different places in my consciousness) fully for the first time, recently, it was as if I stood on a Grand Vista gazing out over eternity and for the first time I could see clearly through the Mysts Of Time. I could see, finally see, the length and breadth of the spiritual journey that lay before me, if I were willing to go through that Door that sits at the center of the Great Hall Of My Awareness and let go of my resistance. 


[1]           Originally comes for a vivid mediation and dream that I had persistently during the early 1990’s and I finally penned There Is A Door in 1994, and introduced in my Step Four and Five Guide.

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