After The Door[1]
There is a Vista.
A Great Obscenity of Life seems to be
my insatiable desire to surrender and give over my soul and my sanity to
those who would eviscerate me.
I mean why?
But I just keep on doing it!
In my processes of my recovery thus far, I have come
to learn that this need of mine to turn my Life and Will over to inappropriate
souls is done with a purpose, of course the purpose is twisted but it is there
and it is demanding and it drives me at times.
The
Purpose seems to be for me to attain a (false) sense of acceptance and security
that I seem to believe that I so desperately need from those around me who have
connections to the deeper shadows and ghost of my past. Not in a conscious form, this is all done
under the surface of my conscious mind, but it is working, and seems now that
it is constantly at work never taking a holiday.
When I saw this in all its many forms and
intricacies and then realized what I was seeing (saw and realized are two
different places in my consciousness) fully for the first time, recently,
it was as if I stood on a Grand Vista gazing out over eternity and
for the first time I could see clearly through the Mysts Of Time. I
could see, finally see, the length and breadth of the spiritual journey that
lay before me, if I were willing to go through that Door that sits at the
center of the Great Hall Of My Awareness and let go of my resistance.
Finally
[1] Originally comes for a vivid
mediation and dream that I had persistently during the early 1990’s and I
finally penned There Is A Door in 1994, and introduced in my Step Four and Five
Guide.
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