Tuesday, September 10, 2013
It has been my belief since my earliest memory that “I am alone and my world is a dangerous place”.
My life seems to affirm this to me daily.
I have found that I can only acquire the relief and happiness that I think I want by doing something, getting something and or consuming something.
There are times when I feel I am so desperate, lost and alone.
I have learned that when my best efforts fail me, I have gathered habits along the way that I can depend on. These habits are creations from outside of me and they are "magical". They take their form as substances, actions or facilities, things that I use daily just to get by on.
I know that I can always reach out to them and rely on them. It is sad but true that these “magical” chattels are my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions.
As I still my thoughts and close my eyes, I begin to realize that I have placed the scant shadow of my faith in a place and on activities that are misbegotten.
I am beginning to admit to myself that my beliefs are not really true. The various forms of my beliefs, my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions are devices that have only brought me pain.
I am admitting that I have no control over them. In fact; I have given them all my power.
I also notice that they have no power of their own.
They sit there like lifeless forms, shadows or ghosts, awaiting only the wind of my restlessness to stir my soul and scatter them.
I admit that I have been insane and I wonder about what may lie before me as I begin my journey toward finding the world of my sanity.
Experience Has Taught Me
That I am out of control
I know I am not happy.
I know that my beliefs have not and cannot make me happy.
I know I must find “different” to be happy.
Where will I look?
What will I see?
And who will help me?