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It has been my belief since my earliest memory that “I am alone and my
world is a dangerous place”.
My life seems to affirm this to me daily.
I have found that I can only acquire the relief and happiness that I
think I want by doing something, getting something and or consuming something.
There are times when I feel I am so desperate, lost and alone.
I have learned that when my best efforts fail me, I have gathered habits
along the way that I can depend on.
These habits are creations from outside of me and they are
"magical". They take their
form as substances, actions or facilities, things that I use daily just to get
by on.
I know that I can always reach out to them and rely on them. It is sad but true that these “magical”
chattels are my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions.
As I still my thoughts and close my eyes, I begin to realize that I
have placed the scant shadow of my faith in a place and on activities that are
misbegotten.
I am beginning to admit to myself that my beliefs are not really
true. The various forms of my beliefs,
my addictions, obsessions and/or compulsions are devices that have only brought
me pain.
I am admitting that I have no control over them. In fact; I have given
them all my power.
I also notice that they have no power of their own.
They sit there like lifeless forms, shadows or ghosts, awaiting only
the wind of my restlessness to stir my soul and scatter them.
I admit that I have been insane and I wonder about what may lie before
me as I begin my journey toward finding the world of my sanity.
Experience Has Taught Me
That I am out of control
And
I know I am not happy.
I know that my beliefs have not and cannot make me happy.
I know I must find “different” to be happy.
Where will I look?
What will I see?
And who will help me?
I find that song by Harry Chapin "Taxi" comes to mind as i read your words.....The phrase ,"She was going to be an actress and i was going to learn to fly, She took off for the footlights ....i took off for the sky...." really does say something to us addicts. That it is a chosen endeavor? Not the devastation it can cause but the obliterating of the moment shall we say. My compulsions have put myself in very dangerous places mentally, physically and spiritually. With true friends i have found peace in this life of mine....if i reach out to them. But the aging process has also helped to slow the speed of my compulsion to use. Whatever the drug may be today whether it be cocaine or any kind of pill that you could snort swallow or inject.....thank God those days are numbered. I Always have to be on guard is about the jist of it....Thanks my friend for your sharing and hopefully my words have meant something to you. We will help you as you are helping us.
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