Where do I find the truth?

"My thoughts create an imaginary story in my head. 

 It is a reaction from my inner child. I must

 let my feelings overcome my thoughts, for it is

 my feelings that are telling me the truth"

Co-created by Kerry Kinnersley and Gail Taylor

Peter Pan and Never, Never Land

On Seeing Clearly Perhaps for the First Time―The Fantasy and the Reality

EXPERIENCE has taught us that deep inside each of us are parts of us that want everything right now and a place for it to hide—something like Peter Pan and Never, Never Land. 

In combination, this place in us, and those parts of us are very insatiable and very demanding. Some call it the inner child, but I have to wonder at that.  I believe this to be a misnomer because it seems more complex than that.  I have come to believe that this is the soul wearing the cloak of the inner child, hiding from the world it has been born into.

I have discovered that I am a house divided against itself.

Part of me wants to say that I have let go of my past … those things that happened … those people who hurt me; my conundrum is … my identity comes from who I think I was and what it was that I believed happened to me … Sort of an Identity Crisis; damned if you do and damned if you don’t. 

As I search out this shady past from within me, I have discovered an interesting facility that I use often, sometimes on a daily basis, just to keep the pretense … of me being who it is that I think I am … going: I pick and choose my past experiences … as if I had a choice … I choose the ones that enhance who it is that I think I would like to be … The inherit problem in this fantasy manipulation is … it still keeps me hooked to my past … Real or Imagined …

… Hooked …

Powerful word when I apply it properly

A Process of Unraveling

EXPERIENCE has taught us that people who identify themselves (willingly or not) as co-dependent will have to go through a process of unraveling and processing if they want to free themselves. 

“When we are in touch with our true feelings and can express them and not have to repress them, the energy to act them out at inappropriate times and places diminishes over time.”[1]

Journaling is a way … an expeditious way … to achieve what Millar is talking about.  The built-in problem in the process is that some may object to so much writing or to answering so many of the questions, especially questions that are introspective in nature.

Many love to think that their character flaws aren’t really all that glaring. 

Each of us in our own time has to come to the understanding, just as I did, that my character hiccups (my obsessions compulsions or addictions) are my warped instincts in action in my life and that my own best thinking contributes to my seeing life as a painful place to be. The deeper problem lost in all this is that I see them as normal (normal=healthly??) because I do them all the time. 

A conscientious examination via journaling and question answering of what it is that I do habitually will likely reveal those very defects or warped instincts that those objectionable questions are raising to your awareness. 

Know this:

It is possible that one can have a mind that is so closed that it does not realize that it is closed.

Here is the logic: Because you’re outward appearance does not look too badly yet, you may be surprised to find that you are in fact closed. 

Many of us have buried these little blemishes deeply under thick layers of self-justification, and rationalizations. 

So whatever the deficiency or activity is, know this: they have forced us into compulsive behavior and misery, and it is this we want to change. 

The patterns of my own self abuse, those things that I do daily are what keep me stuck in the same old rut that I found myself in many years ago.

Therefore, thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory.  In this connection write it out to get clear thinking and an honest appraisal.  It is our first tangible evidence of our complete willingness to move forward.

It is a given that if we lost our voices to speak about our pain, then we will act it out. Conversely, as we recover and regain our ability to speak and process our deep-seated feelings, then the need to act out in order to be heard will diminish.

"It is very striking to see how ... acting out ceases when the patient begins to experience his own feelings[2]."  

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[1]Millar, Alison … Drama of the Gifted Child … Published by Harper Perennial

[2] Millar, Alison … Drama of the Gifted Child … Published by Harper Perennial