Thursday, November 8, 2012
Understanding The Way of Things
Understanding The Way of Things begins with the premise that all experiences are equally balanced, as in: you don't find protons without electrons. There can’t be a positive without an equal and opposite negative to balance it off. Whenever we experience an overwhelmingly painful event, there is always an equal amount of opportunity associated with it for growth, but only if we have the mind to find it. Then we need to seize the opportunity.
I have not yet found a case where this wasn't true.
Recognizing the lesson, gift or opportunity in the tragedy will neutralize the pain of the experience. This is especially true when one is a survivor of childhood trauma, abuse and abandonment or after the loss of a relationship whether by death, divorce or decision. For me personally this lesson was brought home when my first wife passed. It was 1976 and I was 29 and she was 26. She took her life... The pain was death defying ... my sense of future was non-existent ... but over time it passed and the opportunity for growth simply lay there before me. It took some time to notice it. But it was there. And today I am still on that path, traveling that journey that began for me in November 1976.
Some people choose, albeit subconsciously, to stay in their grief and pain because they find benefits there. It is a vain attempt for Needs Fulfilment. There are pay offs like: attention, support, freedom from responsibility, and a recognition by and from others of just how deeply life’s incidents hurt them or how much they have lost or how much the deceased person loved them. Helping an individual see what they may really want or what they are trying to get from holding onto their grief and pain can help them do it more responsibly without doing further damage to themselves.
There are also two great quotes I use in my grief work:
· "To take the pain out of death, you'd have to take the love out of life."-- Richard Paul Evans
· "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."-- Dr. Seuss