Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Beyond The Door There is a View

A Great Obscenity of Life seems to be my insatiable desire to surrender and give over my soul and my sanity to those who would eviscerate me.

I mean why? But I just keep on doing it! Habits are hard to break.

In my journey of recovery thus far, I have come to learn that this need of mine to turn my Life and Will over to inappropriate souls is done with a purpose, the purpose is twisted and has its origins deep in my past but it is there and it is demanding and it drives me at times.

The purpose seems to be for me to attain a (false) sense of acceptance and security. Something that I seem to believe I need so desperately that I will sell my soul to the “company store”. I’ll attempt to get those needs met from those around me. The oddity is all those around me have connections to the deeper, darker shadows and ghosts of my past. None of this is done at the conscious level. It is all done under the surface of my conscious mind, but it is working all the time and never seems to take a holiday.

When I saw this in all its many forms recently, it was then I realized what I was seeing fully for the first time(saw and realized are two different places in my consciousness). It was as if I stood on the Grand Vista of reality and I was gazing out over eternity. For the first time I could see clearly through the Mysts of Time, and see the length and breadth of the spiritual journey that lay before me, only if I were willing to go through that Door that sits at the center of the Great Hall of My Awareness.

I am

That I am

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