Eliminating Self Hate
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If
you weren't able to separate from
your mother or your father and/or various other family members then this tends
to set up an interesting set of events. They won’t let you stand on your own or grow up. They have a roll for you. They have you fixed in their
mind in that function. Their script
calls for you to fill that role for them.
Now
the interesting part is when you begin to notice this happening to you and you
try to separate by making them bad or wrong, what happens is that you end up
making yourself bad or wrong.
It is sort of like reverse shaming.
The
business of making them bad or wrong is in some way a corollary of the original
role they gave you. If it did not work
in a healthy fashion for them, why do you think it would be healthy for you now?
After all, what you are doing is
projecting their script back on them and giving them a fixed or rigid role
to lean on. The point is you’re still connected to “them” via the strength
of the projection. The old rules of engagement–the way of things, is simply a process of following the rules that
never worked for you in the family, never meeting your needs. The rigid role
you’re in can only take you back to the same point of being shamed. It is a circular thing that is shaming simply by being a participant. Just as in the description of; there is a lot of ways to get to Calgary but
once your there it’s the sh_ts.
This
process of attempting change can become a process of chasing your own tails if
you don’t know what the reality of the undercurrent is/was.
You
may try to deny or cover up these feelings, but they can and do both run and
ruin your life. It is the auto pilot
feature of the mind. To facilitate
change it is a necessity - a need to - to uncover, reclaim and transform these negative images. After all
they are based on misperceptions and illusions and are also the result of poor Object Constancy. By understanding that
these projections (the demons) are the source of your low self-esteem, you can
correct them.
If
you know the monster your up against you have a chance!
The
definition or description of the term Object
Constancy comes when the child has experienced or has had enough “good parenting” experiences in their
life to carry him or her through a period of separation. It is the ability of a child to see his or
her parents and themselves as good, (or on the negative side of things as not good enough and/or bad). When they separate from each
other, depending on the family undercurrent that will determine how they tend
to view things—have a perspective—consistent
with the original family undercurrent.
If
there is a Lack of a Strong Sense of
Object Constancy– being good, then
this does not readily allow maturation to occur. As a result the child stays stuck in this
splitting stage of development. This is
where the child will naturally split their world into either “all good” or “all bad” with little or no
“in between” or “gray”. This is
called black and white thinking.
It
becomes a frame of reference for the child which he or she will carry into
adulthood simply out of force of habit.
This
patterning of the inability of the child to separate from the parent or
parental figure causes the child to lump most everything under one umbrella or
to invoke the all or nothing rule. Thus
when the child sees the “Bad Parent”
acting out any number of behaviours that the child has come to learn as “bad or not good enough”, then the child, in a vain attempt to make his or
her world sane, assumes that he or she is “bad
and/or not good enough” and thus becomes complicit in the forming and
support of the “Bad or Not Good Enough
Child” syndrome.
This
entire process is called Negotiating
Your Adolescent.
